[Eric Blair 2084]

>> ...well read enough to read the NY Times or Washington Post and know where they are coming from and take it with a grain of salt For gosh sakes, man, take them with AT LEAST a pound of salt, and then be certain to purify your body and mind afterward with a Quarter Pounder with cheese, half an hour in the shower, normal sex, and flushing 20-25 sheets of toilet paper whether you need any or not.

25 sheets of toilet paper? Haven't you heard about how horrible TP is for Global Warming. I read in Sports Illustrated that it's bad, so it must be true.

[T'wit]

Funny you should mention it. I've been in my laboratory today working on toilet paper footprints. I dub the basic unit of one sheet of toilet tissue a "sherylcrow." Please copy to all scientific books and manuals.

Now, we need to know how many sherylcrows are in an issue of the New York Times. I cannot solve this at the moment because I don't have a copy of the Times and won't let one into the house. But I think the number will be pretty big. This means that the New York Times is destroying the earth. It is killing all those trees. It is ushering in global warming, and doing it a lot faster than the ladies can counteract by wiping with no more than two or three sherylcrows. Obviously, we have to persuade the ladies to rip up the New York Times and use that for tissues. This will save a LOT of sherylcrows. Heck, we might be able to save ol' earth just by not buying the New York Times!

I still have a good deal of research to do, but this is one scientific theory you can put in the bank.