Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
You're not Dr. Laura are you? :)
whatever happened to the term, "homewrecker"? I guess that's not a politically correct word these days.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
you are lucky, and it does seem that the lack of adultery would make for more cordial stepparent-parent relationships. one of my 12 yo daughter's schoolfriends is the product of such a relationship. the 4 parents come to all school functions and are all supportive of the kids and interact warmly with each other. that is wonderful to see and is the exception rather than the norm.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife ..."
Sounds like she has some control issues. Psychotherapist, heal thyself.
Good point. Kids are wrong to resent it when their father cheats on their mom, dumps her and the floozie he marries wants to tap into the dad's money. Shame on the kids for letting this upset them!! Shame ! Shame !
When I make my first million and trade in my wife for a 20-something with fake boobs, blonde hair and no brain, my kids don't have to like her. I don't care. In fact, they can just go live with their mom.
no nude pix of me on the 'net!!! ; ) but hey, if conservatives are all about personal responsibility, how about taking some personal responsibility for whom you marry, be more discerning before tying the knot, and take responsibility for the situation that you are going to enter into, just bc mommy or daddy loves you and thinks you are great in bed, doesn't mean that the children are going to be enamored of you! my kids flat out told me they would NEVER accept a step-parent, whether one of us died or divorced. i believe them and i can't blame them. my mom died when i was grown and married with kids, had my dad brought home a floozie from a senior citizen group, i woulda had problems too! : )
children can be incredibly selfish
The children are NOT the selfish ones. They are the victims of their parents' selfishness.
Wow! A functional family (without the dis)
Congrats.
My daughter is taking on a 4-year old stepdaughter and no, she was nowhere around when the breakup occurred.
I hope she fares as well as you.
exactly!
Did I wander onto the Oprah set?
Well said. Some freepers are so judgemental, I have a feeling if the ex was a seriel killer it would still be wrong, in their opinion, for him to divorce her.
I've had a lot of experience with holier than thou types. My ex husband's family, and church members, were like that. They believed you can rape your daughters, grandaughters, steal from your neighbor, spread gossip, eat like a glutton, etc.
But if you drink a beer, or get a divorce, you'll go to hell. No middle ground, black and white.
The most judgemental people I've dealt with in my life have been the meanest, and used their self appointed holiness to hide a guilty conscience. And that's why I don't like hyprocrits. I spent years listening to these people constantly judging others, when they were worse than those they judged. I guess I am condemned for life for divorcing out of that mess?
I will hold judgement on Guiliani until I know the facts behind his leaving his wife.
If Andrew feels so strongly against his father, I assume he won't take his father's money for an education. He is an adult right?
"always follow the money trail."
AMEN. Great post. Andrew has an axe to grind, publicly. And I suspect his mother is behind it.
but hey, if conservatives are all about personal responsibility, how about taking some personal responsibility for whom you marry, be more discerning before tying the knot, and take responsibility for the situation that you are going to enter into
You're right, many conservatives want to leave conservative principles at the door regarding marriage. Even if you find yourself in a bad marriage, you can still make the best of it. Chances are that both people have room to improve. Marriage is entered into lightly because divorce is considered normal now.
I am going to qualify my post by saying that I am not a fan of Rudy or his treatment of his wives.
Not all stepmoms are the devil incarnate, however.
My parents divorced when I was 6 and my brother was 3. I honestly don't know what contributed to the breakup of the marriage, but I suspect there were some maturity issues since they married young. And yes, at the time it really sucked to have my parents break up.
Each of my parents remarried about 2.5 years later (within a week of each other, first Dad, and then Mom). My stepmom was 22 (Dad was 30), just out of college, and inheriting 2 kids from my dad's first marriage, but she rose to the task. The following year, I had a half-brother who was just a joy to my brother and me.
My stepmother and dad had a wonderful marriage (not perfect, but she was obviously very good for him and I saw a lot of improvement in him in the time they were married).
Unfortunately, after less than 8 years of marriage, my dad died unexpectedly at the age of 38. My stepmom was a 30 y.o. widow raising a 7 year old son alone, several hundred miles away from family. Instead of uprooting my half-brother from the only home he could remember, she continued to raise him in the home she and my dad had shared. She stayed at home as long as she could so she could be there for him, and she didn't even think of dating again until my little brother was a teenager. She just remarried 3.5 years ago.
My little brother (who will be 25 this June) turned out great--he was an excellent student, an Eagle Scout, and received an almost total scholarship to college. He got out of grad school last year and teaches music at a school in Jacksonville FL.
You could not meet a stronger yet more genteel Southern woman than my stepmom (and she was raised a Yankee!) She has a strong Catholic faith and a heart bigger than Texas.
(And just in case anyone is wondering, I also ended up with an awesome stepdad who is still married to my mom after 25 years...he became like another father to us, especially after our dad died. Since this article seems to focus on stepmoms, I thought I would highlight my own wonderful example.)
Well said! I think it was Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who wrote that the burden of coping has been shifted from the parents (who used to "stay together for the kids' sake") to the kids, who are now told that they are the ones who need to cope because Daddy and Mommy need a divorce...
ping to ya
"Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife."
What a strange statement. Did someone compel her to become a second wife? How can she complain about the injustice of her own voluntary decision? It doesn't make any logical sense.
Cordially,
i totally agree. how many people do you see ragging on ex-spouses on FR, and how many are willing to take responsibility for having CHOSEN to marry them? there's no way that there are that many jekel/hyde transformations going on. abuse situations, clearly, are different. but screwing around, heck, you should be certain of someone's character before you marry them, it's only common sense.
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