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JOKES FOR THE OLDER CROWD (ahem)

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

@

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me .
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife.

.."
@

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

@-

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

@---

When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

@

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.

@

I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

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Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

@

First you forget names, then you
forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

@

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the
hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU

@

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide. The first old guy says to the
second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old,
tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust,
and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look
like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

@

When I got home last night,
my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

@

Here's one I got in email:

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."