Posted on 10/08/2006 5:20:54 PM PDT by GretchenM
We asked Tom and Ray to give us their Top 10 scariest cars. They came through and were even kind enough to tell us for whom exactly the cars are scary.
Scary for: Bystanders and other drivers
Looks like an early Ford Mustang, right? It is, on the outside anyway. The inside, however, is all Ford Falcon, a pedestrian vehicle if ever there was one. So what, you say? Well, drop a Boss V-8 into a Ford Falcon and what do you get? An overpowered car that doesn't have the shocks, brakes or structural rigidity to turn or stop well. In other words ... look out!
Scary for: Bystanders and other drivers
Garish? Sure, but that's not our complaint. This was the height of muscle-cardom. This was when American car manufacturers figured out how to make humongous, powerful engines. Sadly, they hadn't yet figured out how to do handling, so you had an overpowered rear-wheel-drive car with no weight in the rear end. As a result, when there was half a drop of rain on the ground this thing spun around like Dizzy Dan from the Battling Tops. Anything but perfect weather, and it was totally uncontrollable.
Scary for: Firefighters and plastic surgeons
What could possibly be scarier than a car endorsed by both the Shriners' Burn Ward Fundraising Division and the League of Asbestos-Clothing Manufacturers? These cars had an unfortunate tendency to explode when hit from behind, since that's where the gas tank was located. Ford did eventually fix the problem, but the damage was done, so to speak. Being anywhere near a Pinto still gives us visions of Robert Duvall calling in airstrikes in "Apocalypse Now."
Scary for: Drivers
Here's a scary idea: Design a car so the occupants' legs are the very first line of defense in a frontal crash. Then add poor stability. Shaped like a pizza box standing on end, the Microbus blew around on the highway like Calista Flockhart in a wind tunnel. Drivers never had time to worry about these issues, though; they were too busy trying to keep themselves warm in the chilly Bus.
Scary for: Onlookers
Just take a gander at this. No wonder they named it the Thing; it was styled by the same guy who invented the cookie sheet. Thankfully, they rusted quickly enough that few remain to invoke PTSD for former owners.
Scary for: Mechanics
The Monza was designed as an economy car, so it was built to have a four-cylinder engine. Unfortunately, when sales slowed down, some geniuses at Chevy decided that what the Monza needed was a V-8, so they shoehorned one in there. The result? Half the spark plugs are almost impossible to reach; to get at them you need rappelling equipment and an air chisel. Whenever one of these beauties reared its ugly grille in front of the garage, every mechanic with more than six weeks' experience would go running for the men's room and lock the door.
Scary for: Drivers
Rolling over is fine if you've got personal knowledge of Knuckles Goldberg's wrongdoings and you're heading into the witness protection program. Rolling over at 70 miles per hour on asphalt, when you're swerving to avoid an errant chipmunk? Not so good. These cars were cheap, so they were purchased mostly by young drivers — the people most likely to end up hanging from the seat belt with four wheels in the air. Scarier still, the Samurai wasn't that much worse than other SUVs of the era.
Scary for: Drivers
Take a good look at this car. Kind of small, wouldn't you say? Now imagine yourself in a Festiva surrounded by amphetamine-snacking tractor-trailer drivers. Going 75 miles per hour. At night. In the rain. Scared yet? We sure are. We once got in trouble for saying this car came right from the factory with a funeral wreath on the grille.
Scary for: Society, the environment and therapists
When you stop to think about what kind of person would buy a Hummer, you begin to worry about the future of our country. This is a person who feels so inadequate inside that he has to drive around pretending the 82nd Airborne will be backing him up in his next argument over a parking space. On the environmental side, the Hummer burns through resources like there's no tomorrow. And if enough idiots keep driving them, there won't be.
Scary for: Onlookers
Well, now we know where the designers of the Volkswagen Thing went to work after VW canned their sorry butts. Take a good look at this vehicle — it's a tribute to the art of unfortunate compromises. Someone at GM said "take a minivan, whack off a few corners and make something we can call a utility vehicle." The car itself was not bad — rather utilitarian, actually — but it pinned the needle on the visual pollution scale.
Posted on 10/2/06
The one car Rosie O'Donnell is scared of.
The Escort was around long before the Festiva was. It was pretty much a POS, though I know a couple of people that owned them and were happy with them.
In 1987 (and perhaps other model years) there was a "souped up" escort. Don't remember the model information (LX, SS, etc.). It had maybe 20 more horsepower and wasn't much of a difference. However, if you could get by with the low powered engine and lack of air conditioning (or aftermarket) in some models, the Escort wasn't the worst vehicle ever made.
I fogot that I had to replace the floor. Could get mesmerized by watching the pavement rush by under my heels.
Or when I was walking to the nearest phone to call another tow truck.
I had (sorry I ever sold it) the original 67 Firebird 400. All it needed was a couple of bags of cement in the trunk.
Do you want to know scary? It's building a dunebuggy, putting a corvair engine in it and taking it to Wisconsin on icy highways. Forgot something. Also on those icy highway, peggin out the speedometer.
Do you want another one? Ordering a Ford Maverick with a 302 engine and again, taking it to Wisconsin on icy highways. I found out the engine would die if it made a 360 degree circle.
What no Vega, I am shocked.
Founding member of the Vega Haters Ass c.
The infamous Volvo versus VW Vanagon crash test. The Volvo dummies "died" but the VW Vanagon dummies "lived". What Tom n' Ray forget is that the occupants of a VW Microbus and of a car are sitting on two different levels.
I think the wood floor was intended to promote dranage, always an issue with a ragtop. I had a VW with rust holes in the wheelwells. It would gradually fill up as I drove it in the rain. I eventually drilled drain holes in the floor. Problem solved.
"Or when I was walking to the nearest phone to call another tow truck."
You gotta love a car whose repair kids include change for a pay phone, as well as towels to wipe down the interior during a rain storm.
Other optional tools include: Big rock beside the road, and of course, duct (duck) tape.
My father, in the mid and late sixties worked next door to an autobody shop. All the local cars that were in accidents were towed there. The car that scared him the most were the VW Bugs. The trunk was in the front. With a head on collision the hinge edge of the trunk would rise up thruogh the windshield and often decapitate those in the front seat.
When the front seats had mandatory headrests, my father used to say that on the VW they were there to hold the head in place for a cleaner cut.
Gruesome wit, my father.
I had two Pinto stationwagons and loved them. They didn't have the reputaton for blowing up.
Here's the last project
Scary for drivers. Why were American cars so crappy in the Seventies (a lot of them, anyway)?
Actually for busy people vehicles, I think that it would be really nice to not have carpet in the car, but to have some smooth surface, and drain holes and be able to run the hose through once in a while.
With all the children in my suv, I think that I could feed a family of four on the crumbs.
These clowns are clueless. There are much, much scarier cars than these running around.
Sweet! What is that? looks like a Tiger.
"The infamous Volvo versus VW Vanagon crash test."
Your photo example is of the "modern" VW bus, which was really the first modern minivan.
The previous hippy air-cooled models were much different animals. They were powered by a #10 rubber band. To drive them, you dumped the gas pedal to the floor and never worried about the speed limit (you never got close). Brakes were aided by the coeffient of drag, which had to be close to 100, as well as the low speeds possible with that motor.
And, in a crash, you had the gasolene heater, which was basically an open-flame gasolene heating system, that always made life interesting. Then again, interesting life might not be an option in any van of that era with a stub nose...
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