What makes you define yourself as "attracted" to men? By calling yourself homosexual, I can assume that you aren't just wanting their friendship or admiring their personality traits. So I am curious where you draw the line between your definition of attration and lust? What is lust?
I read your freeper page and found it very interesting and admirable. One thing though, I don't think you can speak for the effects of religious conversion since you haven't experienced it. In the theology of Christianity, we all struggle with sin, but that stuggle lessens as we increase in our knowledge of and love for our Lord Jesus Christ. He is holy, and out of love He offered Himself as a sacrifice for our sins. So on judgement day when we all stand before God to give account of our lives, we will be judged according to Christ's righteousness. That's the judicial part. More than that, when we repent of our sins and turn to Christ, we are given the Holy Spirit to moment by moment convict and keep us from sin. This may sound like drudgery and misery to the outsider, but I assure you it is the greatest joy imaginable to the Christian because we long to be like Christ. We hate the sin in ourselves that cost Him so dearly, and we long to be free of it. He gives us His Spirit so that we can be changed -- transformed! -- into His image as we surrender our lives to Him. It isn't misery at all. And it isn't a non-cure. It is the greatest joy I have ever known. There is still grieving when I fail, but He is always there to forgive me and has given me the Bible which acts as the discerner of my heart and intentions and my instructor and trainer in rightousness. To believe He can transform us is what faith is all about. We are saved by this faith and we are to walk the rest of our lives by this faith.
Please understand that I greatly admire your courage and honesty in admitting the abnormality of homosexuality even though you had every selfish reason to deny the obvious. I think God gave you that strength and knowledge so that you could understand your own sin and guilt. He offers you forgiveness through faith in Jesus Christ. But there is a cost. Jesus said, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matt. 16:24-25). Faith is faith in the Lordship of Jesus Christ. You make Him Lord of your life and He brings you victory over your sin (victory over sin was accomplished through His ressurection, just as the penalty of sin was paid through His death).
That is the road your friends stepped out on. They may struggle daily with sin (the longer the sin was practiced, the harder the struggle might be, which is really just a lingering consequence of sin. We are forgiven, but consequences remain), but the Holy Spirit of the living God is there to lead them through their temptations until all they desire is to know Christ and to glorify Him. They can love their brother with Christian purity. They can marry a woman or not. There is no requirement there. But they know that homosexuality is a great offense to God, and that God designed us to fit naturally with the opposite sex. Any other desire is sin that needs to be confessed and turned away from. Jesus bore the sin and the shame for them -- and you, if you put your trust in Him.
That said, I also believe that a person can choose to not be a Christian yet work to improve his life and morality. God transforms the heart, but being created by a holy God, we can manage to improve ourselves to a great degree. We are moral creatures who do recognize right from wrong, and while we cannot be sinless (we all have a sin nature), we can make right choices. We are still accountable for all our sins. But life is better seeking to do right rather than wrong even if we do not accept the claims and terms of Christianity. It won't make us righteous before a holy God, but it will leave us with a better, more manageable life. So God bless your efforts and your honesty no matter what. I wish you continued success! And I deeply thank you for your specific comment where you said you try to not let your problem be a bother to others. Wow! Bless you for that.
**What makes you define yourself as "attracted" to men? By calling yourself homosexual, I can assume that you aren't just wanting their friendship or admiring their personality traits. So I am curious where you draw the line between your definition of attration and lust? What is lust?**
Thank you for your kindly response.
I'll attempt to provide you with a picture, and then you will hopefully see what I mean when I describe myself as homosexual.
My earliest understanding of 'attraction' was towards men - Even going to the dentist or the barber as a child was a pleasure, mainly because they were men. I had a good relationship with my father and my mother, and I had a very normal, loving upbringing in a Catholic family. I was very loved and protected, and I never experienced any form of abuse, whether sexual or physical. My parents didn't even believe in physical punishment, so I was never spanked. If I misbehaved, I would be sent to my room until I was ready to apologise.
I was a very well behaved child, loving and generous.
I preferred to play with girls, and didn't like contact sports.
I can't think of anything in particular that might have caused my attraction to men. When I reached puberty, my sexual attraction was exclusively for males… other boys in my class at school and adult men. This was a distressing secret, of course, and remained so until I was nineteen.
As a Catholic, I learned that it was sinful, so I went through the usual guilt trip, while being unable to stop the feelings I had.
What people who haven't had this exclusively homosexual attraction don't seem to grasp is how all-encompassing it is. For a homosexual like me, it pervades every way that I respond and relate to males.
Seeing a female has never inspired any sort of physical or mental 'excitement'. When walking down the street in public, when I see males, I am attracted to their 'maleness', and their masculine attributes. Not just how they look, physical features, but how they move as men, and how they respond to situations and interact. It is very much an attraction to maleness. It isn't simply sexual.
When I look at men, I don't get physically excited in my genitals, but it is a 'stimulus' in the brain… seeing an interesting man, or one with a particularly friendly face… or standing beside a man who has a strong 'presence'.
Of course, this isn't attraction to ALL men. Think of it in the way that heterosexual men are attracted to women… It isn't every woman that a man finds attractive, and when you have an attraction to a woman, it isn't about stimulation of the genitals and wanting to bed her.
This is very much about attraction on all mental and emotional levels. Just the way that heterosexual men feel towards women. I might think about a man who has effected me this way, and maybe fantasise about him in ways that men fantasise about women… (although my perversions and fantasies have developed in a way where I would never actually desire any sexual contact with others. That's something that's been worked on).
I hope this helps you to understand why homosexual attraction isn't simply a choice. Yes, acting upon it is a choice, but having that attraction, for many like me, is no more a choice than it is for a heterosexual male to find women attracted.
Homosexual attraction is of course a mental disorder, by whatever means, but I hope that my own case will show how it isn't simply about sexual attraction, and is why is such a difficult disorder to cure.
** One thing though, I don't think you can speak for the effects of religious conversion since you haven't experienced it.**
Regarding this, I was a devout Christian for decades. From being a child, I sought the Truth through the Church, and explored various denominations throughout my adult life. At one time, when I had been away from the Church for a few years, (I was a DJ in a homosexual night club) I was handed an invitation to attended an Anglican (Episcopal) Requiem Mass for victims of AIDS. I went along on the Saturday afternoon, where I was one of just 20 people who attended in this vast Gothic church. It was sung, with incense, a Bishop, a Catholic priest to give Communion to any Catholics who might attend, and the whole service was very solemn. Most of the others attending were local older women from the parish. There was nobody else there from the club where the invitations were handed out.
During the service, I knelt in the pew, and I offered myself to the Lord, telling Him that I would do whatever he wanted. It was quiet, peaceful, and while I knelt there with my head down on the bench in front, I wept floods of tears in my private silence as the Service proceeded.
The following day, I attended the Eucharist in that parish church, and every Sunday for the following few years. I eventually converted to Orthodoxy where I finally found my spiritual home.
I understand the power of Faith. However, God does not promise to physically heal us of our sickness in this life. He heals us the way He chooses to heal. He isn't bound by rules or Books. The rules and Books are for our benefit, not His.
God is greater than anything we know, and His Wisdom is beyond our understanding. He is greater than Christianity or any other individual Faith. Faith reaches out into a place beyond what we can know or experience, into a place unknown.
**To believe He can transform us is what faith is all about.**
Yes, I am sure that He can do whatever he wants to do... but what God might 'transform' is His choice, and not ours. It would be arrogant for anyone to believe that God would cure or change them, simply because we wanted Him to. "God works in mysterious ways" and He also has a sense of humour. If someone needs to be healed for peace of mind and health of the soul, then maybe they will be healed... but not always in the way that you may want. To have Faith in God is to trust in Him, not to try to force His hand.
**We are moral creatures who do recognize right from wrong, and while we cannot be sinless (we all have a sin nature), we can make right choices.**
I try to approach the subject of homosexuality from 'common sense'. My moral foundation is because I am human, and not because of my Christian background. My concern isn't for the cure of individuals from the disorder, but for what is practically best for society as a whole. My concern isn't for 'sin', but for what is logically good for society.
The homosexual agenda is not good for the fabric of society, or for individuals who are exposed to homosexual enticement or 'activity'.
If individuals wish to try and cure their disorder, then they know that it isn't like changing your car or giving up smoking. It is more than simply a compulsion.
When Christian homosexuals are told that they are condemned if they fail to be cured, as has been muted in this thread, then it's no wonder that some attempt suicide.
To be cured would be the ideal... to cure all disorders and illnesses in the world would be ideal... but real life doesn't deal in ideals. It deals in human weakness and frailties. It deals in facts on the ground.
Some are be cured, and some are not. That's the real world. Each individual is unique.
**So God bless your efforts and your honesty no matter what. I wish you continued success!**
You are very gracious and generous of spirit. Thank you.