Posted on 03/18/2006 7:03:00 PM PST by goldstategop
The miracle of Purim owes much to a superficial, womanizing male who set about dating as many women as possible to find the one that was the most beautiful. Ahasuerus is like so many shallow men today who reduce women to nothing but a slim figure and a pretty face. But in the end, the story of Esther makes it clear that the secretly Jewish queen was chosen not for her looks, but because she "found grace and favor" in the eyes of all who beheld her. There was a womanly dignity, a sublime feminine majesty, to Esther that the rest of the harem lacked. They were empty suits, packaging only, without substance or personality. They were the kind of women who attract attention with low-cut blouses rather than high intelligence, short skirts rather than a lofty spirit. But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.
How tragic, therefore, that Jewish men today have adopted the dating mores of Ahasuerus. And I'm not just talking about secular Jewish men whom we might expect to have adopted less lofty criteria in their choice of a mate. Rather, I am speaking especially of Orthodox Jewish men who have become so obsessed with the three modern virtues of a real woman - large chest, long legs, slim figure - that heart, mind, even the sparkle of her eyes, count for almost nothing.
I once served as matchmaker-in-chief for JDate. But I now find matchmaking nauseating thanks to the dispiriting superficiality of today's Jewish men. I now know that the countless men who tell me how desperate they are to find a really nice girl are lying through their teeth because what they really mean is a woman who looks like a model. At my weekly Sabbath table, where I host many singles, I watch as the men immediately dismiss even the most interesting women with the warmest hearts if they lack a bombshell body.
If she's short, she's out, and if she's overweight, well, that's the kiss of death. I'll set up men with women who I know to be attractive and charming, only to have the guy call me back the next day and complain of a lack of chemistry, by which he always means, "She wasn't pretty enough." The poor woman never had a chance. Before she opened her mouth, her body did her in.
BUT WHY would we expect anything different? Superficial people seek superficial qualities, and men today are about as deep as a crack in the sidewalk. They have been given one criterion for success, money, and they use that money as a commodity to purchase a woman's chief commodity, her physical beauty. Today's religious men are trained to appreciate little else.
I know a 20-year-old Jewish girl who developed a dangerous eating disorder because her very religious parents told her that unless she lost weight the type of yeshiva student they wanted her to marry would not take her out.
But weren't Jewish men, especially Orthodox ones, supposed to be different? The nation that gave the world's Solomon's Ode to a Woman of Valor, where a woman's God-fearing qualities are what make her beautiful, have betrayed that ideal utterly. If you are a woman in the Jewish singles scene who isn't stunningly attractive, you're going to wait a long time to get married. And once you're married, you better keep your looks up, because the women who are going to be praying with you in the ladies' section spend five hours in the gym for every hour they spend in the synagogue. They're not fools. They know that their husbands are trained to appreciate muscle tone rather than piety. And don't have more than two children, even though we need as many Jewish babies as possible, because kids will make your figure go to hell and your breasts droop almost as far.
NEVER believed that I would witness a time when even marriage-minded, Orthodox men would become womanizers, giving themselves the latitude to date as many women as possible so that they can find "the best." In yeshiva I was taught one did not date a woman the way one shopped for a car. Rather, you focused on one woman completely and tried to develop a soulful connection with her without worrying about what else might be out there.
Recently, I had a young rabbinical student of marriageable age at my home. He told me he had already dated 40 girls and had not found what he was looking for. I was stunned. "Forty nice, religious girls, and not one of them was good enough for you?"
But anyone familiar with the increasingly toxic shidduch system among the ultra-Orthodox knows that what many young men are looking for is anathema to Jewish values, namely, looks, money and pedigree. Find all three and you have hit the jackpot. Find only one, or even two, and you have "to settle."
Now, no doubt, in the secular world marrying money and marrying into an important family are also important. But when religious Jews marry for materialistic and ego-driven values, they degrade a glorious spiritual tradition.
It is high time that rabbis started giving sermons from the pulpit exhorting single men in the congregation to be gentlemen and reward women for developing the traits that Judaism truly values like compassion, wisdom and goodness. While physical attraction is always important in marriage - both for men and for women - Jewish leaders must begin inspiring future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone. For if we fail, we'll continue seeing Jewish women feeling permanently insecure about their "imperfect bodies" rather than taking pride in their generous spirits.
I think what you say has some validity, but it really doesn't matter much. All a person can get away with is what you let them get away with. I cast off jerky people quickly, and don't let them get away with stuff. It's no loss at all.
I'd suggest you make a field trip to Great Neck Long Island...you'll get an adult portion.
Both men and women often say they find intelligence appealing. That's really an overstatement. When most people (not all) say they want an intelligent mate, they really tend to mean a date who is 'not dumb.' That is, 'smart enough.'
Most people are intelligent enough for most people. Brains in itself isn't as much of a sexual turn-on as some suggest.
I think that is absolutely correct.
Short, fat real estate developers everywhere rejoice!
Thanks, but no thanks.
1) I'm not really in the "market" for a Jewish wife.
2) I'm a country boy and big cities are things I wish to avoid.
Sincerely
It's called 'good living,' pal! ;-)
I once met Jews from Alabama here in NY. Very odd people. I took them to the famed Katz' deli in lower manhattan. And they said -- and I quote -- "It's too jewish."
You mis-understand the point I am trying to make.
I want my woman to be submissive voluntarily through love not fear. Good Conservative women like the one I am pursuing do want the men to be the leader/boss but to do it without a coarse maculinity. I don't want a woman trying to "be the man" which so many liberated, Feminist, Jewish women are apt to be. Women are finding out that this does not work and only drives men away.
I don't want a woman fighting with me and being a thorn in my side over who is going to control the ship and steer it on a particular course. I do want a woman that will support my voyage and keep watch of any dangers that she sees ahead, behind or to the side of my boat. And when she perceives danger she will respectfully tell me what she knows. And I should be sensitive enough to listen to her concerns. I would not expect anything less from her or me.
You keep implying that submission is a form of oppression. From a Torah perspective it is not. From Islam's POV, yes, it is oppression.
Both sides of the gender aisle are equal but their responsibilities are differ. It is the man who is supposed to make the executive decisions, but if the man can't be a man then it is up to to the woman to be the man. Why do you think Golda Meir was the Prime Minister of Israel as well and Margaret Thatcher of England? Because there aren't any men with any decent testicular fortitude.
Women wanted men to be "nice" metrosexuals and women wanted to be the men by getting out there and competing with men in the world of work and sports. Now the West is in decline and women are still not happy with men nor being in the workplace. Most want to be back home and are returning to the home. Now if we can get men to be men again.
Yeah, what's going on in Vegas is beyond precedent...
Most cogent remark on this thread.
thanks for your thoughtful reply, you said it much better than me... it's where I wanna be...
The bias against good looking women is remarkable - and it makes no sense.
Makes perfect sense, women are competing for limited resources in a finite market.
And woman that have Ph.D.s or doctrates in any other field find it very difficult to marry. Why? Because women are looking for men who are smarter than them (as well as taller, and richer).
I place intelligence on a list of priorities I look for in a woman at about number three.
1) Physically attractive enough to attract me
2) Kind and respectful and knows how to create relationships
and 3) Is smart enough not to be a "blonde" or use her intelligence to compete with mine.
If a woman uses her intelligence to further her relationship with her man, her children, and her community then by all means let her be an Einstein!
But, women, whatever you do, don't use your intelligence to compete with a man. It just intimidates them and drives them away.
Every thing you posted makes sense to me, and I would agree with you. I must have just mis-read, or mis-commented on your post.
Sorry.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn't want to be in the dating game today. I am convinced, that even if my wife were to (God forbid) die today, I would remain a single widowed man.
Good luck in your marriage.
Sincerely
"The bias against good looking women is remarkable - and it makes no sense.
Makes perfect sense, women are competing for limited resources in a finite market."
Physical beauty can also connote good health. Men want beautiful and healthy children. Nothing wrong with men thinking of the future!
Not married yet but I hope to soon. This lady is priceless and a price beyond rubies. I think she qualifies for "Ishet Chayil" - A woman of valor- that is spoken of in Mishle (Proverbs) 31.
Physical beauty is tied to symmetry and other things like skin tone, etc. It's hardwired into men to find those things attractive. On the other hand, most men don't really give it much thought beyond, "look at them headlights!"
When a man is looking at a Shakira lookalike he is NOT thinking about her good health. He's thinking about straight up ASS. Women hating on women who look better than they do makes perfect sense to me. I did it all the time when I was single because women so outnumber men in here in New York and I couldn't compete at all. That thing about men wanting healthy, beautiful children is a fairy tale. Men who are grown up and not chasing ass may want that but not these young guys that run you over for better looking girls.
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