Posted on 02/28/2006 1:23:15 AM PST by beaversmom
Fascinating research suggests that as many as one in five thirtysomething British women is planning a child-free future.
When Jemma North was eight years old she had an epiphany. 'At school, someone's mum was pregnant. All the other little girls were really excited, but all I could think was, "You go through all that and all you have at the end of it is a baby?" I decided then that I would never have children.'
Of course, Jemma's pronouncement was dismissed, much as if she'd announced a plan to be a circus clown. But today, aged 32, married and surrounded by peers who are starting families, she is as adamant about her choice as ever. Yet everyone from family to complete strangers is constantly telling her: 'You'll change your mind.' If they do take her seriously, they warn her: 'You'll regret it.' It infuriates her.
'I don't want children, my husband doesn't want them and we're happy as we are,' she insists. 'The only thing that makes me unhappy is people questioning my decision all the time.'
In our society few objects attract greater pity than the childless woman. She is, we assume, old, unfulfilled, shallow, emotionally damaged, out of touch with the greatest truths of the universe. Almost daily, headlines warn about thirtysomething career women risking heartbreak by delaying pregnancy. Couples spend thousands of pounds to endure the physical and mental ordeal of IVF.
Yet for Jemma, who works for an engineering firm in Northampton, such a vision had no power to frighten. 'I am more put off by the image of being a mother,' she tells me. 'I'm not saying mothers are stupid, because, of course, a lot are far more intelligent than me, but that was my early impression. It seemed to be the thing you did if you had no other ambition.'
Jemma is far from alone. According to the Office of National Statistics, one in five British women in their thirties has decided not to have children. And it may be that a number of these have had less choice in the matter than they thought. Geneticists at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute in Cambridge have demonstrated in mice that mutations on a certain gene can cause mothers to neglect their offspring. The same gene also exists in humans.
But whatever the social or genetic forces that play upon us, becoming a mother is still seen as a defining moment. Magazines are full of celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow gushing about how her Oscar means nothing compared to the delights of changing Apple's nappy. In contrast, rare are the voices of women such as the actress Helen Mirren, who has admitted: 'I didn't have that desire to be a mother and I don't think a lot of women do. A lot are pressured into it and they're miserable.' And whenever such comments are voiced, they are usually drowned out by a clamour of disapproval and disbelief.
'Oh, I am fed up of having to justify myself on this subject!' explodes Nicki Defago, a 39-year-old married and childfree (to use her preferred jargon) broadcast journalist. She is the author of Childfree and Loving It!, a book written after she discovered Amazon offered more than 1,000 tomes about what children eat but none about the advantages of childlessness.
'When you say you don't want children, you get the same reaction you'd have got 20 years ago if you said you were gay,' Nicki continues. 'I imagine it's a bit like you must feel if you don't go to church in America. A big section of society is appalled at the notion that there are ladies who don't want to have a baby, and quite a lot of people aren't judgemental but still just can't get it.'
Until I started researching this article, I confess, I fell firmly in the latter camp. Aware of the devastation children would wreak on my carefree life, I nonetheless always hoped to have them. So fundamental was this desire that I was sceptical of women who claimed they didn't want children. As far as I was concerned, they were just trying to put a brave face on the fact that they were unable to conceive, or had never found the right man, or had been bludgeoned by their partner into agreeing not to have them.
Nicki doesn't see it that way. 'You get a far better reception if you tell people you tried and couldn't have children, than if you tell them you don't want them,' she corrects me. But why are people who, for example, are supportive of gay rights, unable to get their heads round the idea that not everyone wants to breed?
Nicki thinks it is because the issue of children 'goes so deeply. A high percentage of us now think there's no God and if you add to that there's no need to reproduce then what on earth is it all for? Choosing not to have children gets to the heart of all those big issues.'
Existential questions apart, much of the debate seems to be fuelled by a baser jealousy. However much they love their children, most parents still yearn for aspects of their old lives.
To see a childless friend enjoying the orderliness, extra cash and spontaneity they have lost, with no apparent sense of 'missing out', can be horribly undermining. Recently the 53-year-old model Marie Helvin explained that her youthful looks were down to a life of no children and, therefore, no stress - a comment that sent a visceral pang through every mother slathering Touche Eclat on her eyebags.
'I know one father of small children who's always saying things like, "Ooh, it's not fair, you are going on holiday next week, we have to go in the school holidays,"' says Jemma North. 'He doesn't seem to appreciate that it's not a question of fairness, that I made a decision to live like this.'
For Regan Forrest, 30, a museums exhibit organiser from Leicester, the downside of children starts with conception. 'I'm uncomfortable with the physical changes of pregnancy and labour,' she admits. 'In my twenties I had body image issues. I've learnt to put up with that but the idea of putting your body through an unknown process is completely terrifying. The turning-point came at a work dinner when a colleague started going on about how his wife had disembowelled herself during labour,' she recalls.
'My partner's a doctor and the obstetric part of his training completely repulsed him. I'd never want him to be repulsed by me.'Equally daunting was the prospect of combining her career with childcare. 'I like to give my career 100 per cent. I don't think I could do the at-home mum thing.'
To parents, such misgivings may seem narcissistic and defeatist. But, Regan retorts, 'I'm demonstrating a degree of self-awareness. I may be selfish but at least I'm not going to let my selfishness affect another person. Anyway, what could be more selfish than propagating your genes? People say that on a biological level that is what we are here to do, but as a species we have transcended our biology. We don't live in caves any more and we don't need to breed.'
Like all women I spoke to, Regan is unconvinced by the arguments in favour of parenthood - the almost transcendent love you feel for children, the joy of watching them develop. 'Maybe women like us are mentally deficient,' says Regan. 'But we're so lucky to be born at this point in history. In the past, I'm sure, women felt like us, but they didn't have a choice.'
The polarity between the two camps could not be sharper. When I told friends who are mothers, or hope to be, about this article, they repeatedly said that - while intellectually respecting the position of the childless - emotionally they found it completely alien. Similarly, child-free women are politely disbelieving when they listen to friends describe a yearning for babies that is almost like a physical ache.
'I'd love to be sympathetic when I hear about women breaking their hearts trying to get IVF, but I can't. It's the opposite of what I feel,' says Anne-Marie Greenslade, 28, a mental-health worker from Warrington, Cheshire. 'I must look so callous when they're telling me, but I can't help it. I simply can't imagine being in their position.'
And there are compelling statistics to back up Anne-Marie's decision. Surveys show that people who choose not to have children (as opposed to those who desperately want them, but can't) tend to have better marriages, better finances and are no more likely to be unhappy in old age than parents.
Alison Townley, 55, a civil servant from Glasgow, toyed with the idea of becoming a mother in her twenties because it was what society expected of her, but felt unable to take the plunge. Today she has no regrets. 'The anguish I was warned about simply isn't there, which surprised me but in a wonderful way. My husband and I revel in our freedom and we resent implications that our life somehow has no purpose. When people have children they seem to give up on their own aspirations and pass the buck on to the next generation. I love the idea that I can still achieve my potential, rather than foisting all my hopes on some other sap.'
I didn't have children, so there was a lot of extra money available for investing. I definitely won't be a charity case. ;)
Exactly my thought. And exactly why we will homeschool our children when we have them. To say you won't have kids because you don't want to bring them into such a liberal world - pure nonsense. In that case, you are only perpetuating the problem. When liberals reproduce more and conservatives reproduce less, there end up being more liberals and fewer conservatives. Luckily, I think the "childfree" movement is generally more common among liberals.
"I have a major financial incentive to send my kids to public school. I'd never do it in a hundred years. Care to guess why?"
Because you couldn't afford a house in a good district, would be my guess.
Oh really? I'd love to see her research supporting this pronouncement.
There is a slight difference in a democratic take over versus the take over by a criminal gang. But, I guess you already know that...
"A big section of society is appalled at the notion that there are ladies who don't want to have a baby, and quite a lot of people aren't judgemental but still just can't get it."
I think that's why when these types of articles are posted, we see comments about how the childfree are selfish, ungodly, immature, liberal, etc.
People who want kids and have kids just don't understand those of us who don't want kids. That's really what it boils down to. And people therefore try to find an easy explanation for those who don't want kids: selfishness, ungodliness, immaturity, liberalness, etc.
Even if people don't understand others not wanting kids, at least they could be a little more accepting of people who are different.
Sounds like someone struck an exposed nerve of yours. Truth is, most people don't really know about life and what is important if they've not had children. Most simply don't "get it" until they do. You may not be one of those, but most are. Make of this what you will and no lectures please.
Of course it is troubling. The thing is, that Europe is a continent of immigration if it wants to survive. The declining birth rates are a fact and nobody can change those realities.
In the past many faults were made in the selection of those who are allowed to come to Europe. Espechially the former colonial nations opened their boarders to the people of their former colonies without checking them on their suitability. This was a major fault.
The more the muslims will riot the more the pressure is rising to deal hard with the problem. Therefore the recent torching of cars wasn't that bad. It woke up some lazy politicians to do something on it if they want to get elected in the future. There are some very easy things that can help:
1. Throw the fanatic hate mullahs out.
2. More capitalism will help Europe to give those rioting kids the jobs they need to be satisfied with themselves. People who work do not waste their time in torching cars.
3. Help the muslims to reform islam into something we all can live with. They need somehow a sort of Martin Luther to clean up with all this BS.
4. Help Christianity and Catholizism to its suitable position the the European society again. Therefore it will be also nessecary to reform some basic things without falling into the sort of relativism Benedict rightly criticized.
I have great faith in our people to deal with new conditions and to open the path to a good future. There are several reasons why I stay optimistic:
1. It is quite simple - Christanity is a much more interesting religion than Islam. Everyone who reads Bible in comparison to Koran and the Hadiths will find out that Muhammad was a bad plagiarist. He falsified Bible into a hazy shade he called Koran. This is something that has to be understood to take the recent trys of proselytization in Europe even-tempered and cool. It just doesn't work to change christian Europeans or even atheist Europeans into Muslims. Nobody execpt of some unsatisfied Idiots is interested into their BS.
2. Europe is in a major change in the moment. Among the important countries (France, Germany) it seems that the socialist gouvernments are replaced by something more capitalistic. Since we still have one of the biggest industrial frames within the whole world combined with a well educated workforce there is good chance for a major upturn.
3. In the long run our religion will find a suitable place again. There is much more grassroot spirituality among Europeans people from America could ever think of. In my comunity i.E. you will find a stable Christian basement. West (espechially south) Germany and rural France is deeply Christian soil. Of course there are areas were religion nearly vansihed (east Germany, Czech Republic, some parts of the big towns), but they are not representative for Europe.
Greetings from Lake Constance :-)
I'm so glad we have "transcended our biology". Puke.
Okay, then, "won't". However, why you get to make decisions about whether other people should or should not have children is amazingly intrusive. If they don't want to, your answer is to change into someone who wants to.
What other areas of strictly personal behavior would you like people to adopt so they square with what YOU believe?
People are free to do silly things.
That doesn't mean that we can't point out that they're being silly.
It's a free country. :P
Not everything that makes someone a bad parent can be willed away. Someone with severe bipolar disorder or schizophrenia cannot magically cure themselves, for instance.
Some people are just not called to be parents, period. I don't see why they should become parents anyway, just to validate your choice.
As for the idea that if you are childless, no one will take care of you when you are old, I think that the way you treat people during your life is far more important. My grandmother's brother was childless his entire life- he was extremely overweight until old age and never married. But he was a pleasant man who remained close to his sister, brother and their families. When he suffered a debilitating stroke a year before he died, he had to live in a nursing home. His family and friends visited everyday, talking to him, washing him, and making sure the nurses took care of him. The nurses would comment that he was the most visited patient that they ever had. Many other patients, most of whom had children, never had visitors. A few days before he suffered a second, fatal stroke, my whole family threw a birthday party for him, a celebration of what he meant to all of us. My great uncle was a good person in life, and he was rewarded by the love and care of others. Many parents, who gave birth but were unloving or even cruel to their children, will die alone and unloved.
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