Lance Boiled (Tour de France)

Nothing says more about different countries and the relations between them than sports. You can learn at least as much about America by watching the World Series as attending a Republican or Democratic convention, and for the past century, no cultural phenomenon has been more central to French life than the Tour de France. That lies behind the bitter row which has erupted, with accusations -- a remarkably long time after the event -- that Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing drugs in the 1999 Tour, the first of his barely believable sequence of seven victories. For the French, we are talking about something more than a bike race. The Tour is part of national culture.

So it is bad enough that no French rider has won it in 20 years; for an American of all people to have dominated is intolerable. And as if to illustrate the continuing rift between the countries, Mr. Armstrong was out biking only days ago with his friend and fellow Texan, George Bush.

Not necessarily, because they are, as you know, politicians. Kitty Kelley's and Ed Klein's repugnant ramblings aside, whereas a politician's personal life is indeed to some extent intertwined with his public persona and up for review by the public, an athlete isn't asking for your trust and shouldn't have to put up with having his personal life prodded. Armstrong's public persona amounts to being damn good at riding a bike, and as of late funding cancer research. Whatever he has chosen to keep private, you have no grounds to moralize about. Yes he may be married to a skank, but that's about all I know and all I care to know. Hey, as long as they're happy.

If they knew about this from 1999, then what took them so long?

I do not believe they "knew" anything in 1999. My beef with this "circus" is that it is an absolute "hit" from which the victim has no real chance to prove his side (all the alleged samples are now used up).

When I flew for one of "Uncle Sam's larger nonprofit airlines" (Navy) we often had the chance to win the "golden flow lottery" and I seemed to win the dice toss every time.

But, here the chain-of-custody was solid and the results checked quickly and if positive rechecked to a higher and absolute standard. The point I am trying to make is that this was a believable drug screening system and time-wise allows the party a chance to clear their name by retesting with private labs in real time.

I say again, the timing of this sensational news article and the bullcrap scientific backing is totally suspect. I doubt Lance has a recourse to the court of law, but, as I said several days ago, I wish he would unretire and keep winning the TDF until his name is cleared! (Sorry rant off)

Tarring the French as "surrender monkeys" is bs, and based primarily on a misunderstanding of two events.

1) They were beaten in the Franco-Prussian War, but their armies were outnumbered in the few major battles, and Paris held out for months while additional raw forces were raised in the provinces. If Paris could have held on just a bit longer, there was a real possibility of lifting the seige.

2) 1940. It was reasonable to assume the Germans wouldn't come through the Ardennes. Don't forget that we got surprised in a similar fashion in December 1944. How would we have done in 44 if the overall balance of forces was comparable to 1940? If the Germans had control of the air as in 1940?

The French military tradition is otherwise one of glory. Verdun alone is sufficient to assure that.

From the internet (I cannot take credit):

French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

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