I lost the love of my life about 5 years ago....the wonderful memories will sustain you. The strength of your relationship is everlasting. My prayers are with you during your time of need.
I am overwhelmed. Please understand that I can't respond personally to all of you, I'm just in no shape to do it. But you each deserve it and have my gratitude. It just moves me to tears.
For over a year, we have been making daily radiation runs. I cannot tell you how difficult that was. Many days, I had to pull him on a rug to the door, get him down three steps and into a wheelchair, only to have to get him in the car while he was screaming in pain. It was heartwrenching. But we did it.
He survived 6 cancers. We had just received a cancer free prognosis! He went in the hospital for tests to see if he could survive surgery so that he could walk again. It was there that they told me his organs were failing from so much radiation and that he probably had 3 to 10 days to live.
The shock of that was just...I can't find the words.
It was then that I finally stopped fighting for his life and gave him permission to go home. He needed that. He fought so bravely and valiantly and I know he fought for me.
That breaks my heart.
I realize now that I have been grieving for a long time..I just didn't know it. I raged against death and fought it with all I had in me. To live without him after 39 years was just inconceivable. We are one.
Now I find a strength to bear the loss. It's precisely because of what we shared that I can go on. I'm amazed. I miss him sorely, but when I do I picture him in health in the light, free of pain, free of the indignities that illness brings. No more tubes or needle bruised arms. No more screaming in pain. No more suffering. He is smiling and walking and leaping. He can run again. He is loved and all is well with his soul. That makes me smile. His new life has a healing quality that blesses my soul.
It is the aftermath that is so cruel. The papers to sign, the confusion concerning...what do I do with this? It comes at a time when you just want to be left alone to cry, to enjoy his new life and reach out to God for life itself and solace from the pain of loss. I miss him. Yet papers descend like an evil snow..in triplicate.
Reality is a terrible thing. It makes me long for the day when all this will pass away and He will remove this hideous system so entrenched in our lives. It strangles and sufficates us. It weighs us down like a millstone around the neck. It is cruel and uncaring....
By the grace of God, I will make it because He and he lives.
I need your prayers to give me strenght to deal with all this. The problems seem unsurmountable.
In the midst of all this, He is with me. He gave me a scripture when I was pouring out my heart to him about the bills and monthly expenses that I can no longer afford. ( I must somehow keep the only financial asset we have left.I lost $1400 per month with his passing..not yet old enough for a widow's pension or electrical assistance, our savings long gone on medical bills.)
But the scriptures gave me hope:
It's from Psalm 68:8-10:
The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God;
Sinai itself quaked at the presence of God, the God of Israel.
Thou didst shed abroad a plentiful rain, O God;
Thou didst pour rain on thine inheritance when it was parched.
Thy creatures settled in it;
Thou didst provide in Thy goodness for the poor, O God.
He is reassuring me that He will provide the rain I need to survive and prosper. Thankyou Lord.
I don't know from where the help will come, but I know that it will, for He keeps His promises.
He also gave me the Book of Ruth..I've yet to have the peace of mind and time to study it thoroughly, but know it's for me. The names and places all have meaning and I must find what they mean. Any insights from you would be appreciated.
So I ask for your prayers now for me and our children as I attempt to get on with the rest of our lives, that the path will be well marked and His protection wrapped around us.
I thank you all for this outpouring of love. The Body of Christ is a beautiful thing. I am so blessed to be part of it.
God bless each one of you and hold you close. May He rain down his provision on you as well.
Love, Barb