Posted on 04/13/2005 8:08:09 AM PDT by Abathar
Or these:
Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately display a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: "Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night."
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room:
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from your body.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, I am told, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful... like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
* Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
* Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
* Places where there is darkness.
* Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness of any kind.
* Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam’s Apple.
* Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay, too.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. Hey, if I were him, I'd be embarrassed, too-- there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it. The cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball-point pen might be inadequate (ink washes off) and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the ten simple rules?
Jerry Taylor
Technology Integration Teacher
Greece, NY School District
Right - it's an authentic culture after all.
This is just wrong on so many levels.
The racist components of "diversity" and "tolerance," while serving the rabid socialists well is also a core component of the failure of the public school system in teaching minorities. Rather than challenging them to become an integrated part of the most successful capitalist republic in the history of the world, they teach "diversity" to keep them in the ghettos, slums, and inner cities. Rather than challenging these minorities to rise up, integrate, and reach for the brass ring, "diversity" teaches them that it's okay to be a "gangsta" and "live in the hood" or to speak something other than English as a primary language.
Another problem is...at least in urban areas...the culture is coming to a neighborhood near you. It should hit mine full force in about 5-7 years, I'm looking to move out to the sticks anyway...I don't want my kids around that stuff.
I agree with you entirely; what you said was not racism in my book.
However, you are too late. There is nowhere in this country that is safe. For example, here in PA we have a large Amish and Mennonite population existing side-by-side with a large Hispanic gang population. The only reason the Amish and Mennonites are surviving is because they send their kids to their own schools or they homeschool. I live in a very nice suburban community where many of the white kids act like trash. Where do they get it ? From friends, music, movies, and video games. You can't get away from it anywhere that I've found.
One word: homeschool. You get to influence where your kids find friends and how much exposure they have to those who have undesirable habits.
Well, it was a public school.
Thats a hoot cinives!
I recently had my daughter bring in a boy who wanted her to go to some fast-food hang-out. I said, "well, let me talk to the boy, and we'll see how it goes."
So he comes inside, is very polite and engages me in 35 minutes of small talk. He is a straight A student. Goes to such-and-such church. Helps little old ladies across the street. His dad is a nuerosugeon (not kidding) and he was so well spoken!
After well over half an hour I said "nah, she's not going anywhere with you today." Man was my girl ticked off. Took me an hour to get her calmed down and see my point of view (she was only 15 at the time).
No hate crime here - even though the perp is black and the women is white- sarcasm alert! I wonder if the girl who forced to give oral sex was white? Does anybody know?
"I especially feared gym class because of the unmerciful beatings that occurred in the unmonitored locker room.
I was assaulted by 6 seniors my junior year because I was trying to protect a young tiny white girl who was being harassed. "
It has been my experience that most of the black kids in these schools are taught racism at home and by the staff. They are allowed to call whites racist names and attack them with immunity. It is obvious that racism knows no color but with liberals only white males are racist.
LOL - and she thought it was a slam-dunk. Tell her about the fallacy of false credentials.
I have a daughter who just turned 15. My approach (since Dad is not around and I don't seem able to scare any guy) is to make sure she spends so much time with her horse and working at the barn (women run it) that she doesn't have the energy to even think about boys. Not to mention that hauling 50lb bales of hay and controlling 1100 lb horses make her less than a pushover. It also helps that we homeschool and I'm very well acquainted with the families of her friends. :)
I will warn you that this approach is a bit expensive, however.
Why did your parents refuse to see the hell that they were putting you through in attending this school?
Just another day in our education welfare distribution and indoctrination centers.
This sounds like a scene from a futuristic(?) screenplay - but it's not - it's here and now. I weep for this child, her family, and our country. And then I want everyone involved in this attack and the attempted cover-up spreadeagle on fireant hills.
Let me guess, Tukwila? Tacoma?
Last year a Mifflin High School student allegedly burned a young woman alive in the trunk of her car - and then he went to class at his high school: Mifflin H.S. in Columbus. He apparently had two other boys involved that also attended Mifflin with him. It could not be determined if the dead young woman was also raped before being burned alive.
I'm glad the dad called the cops and didn't listen to the school admins.
Very impessive cinives!
WTF...how friggin depressing. Thats not the America I grew up in....and I'm only 30, turn 31 in June. It used to be so much easier protecting the innocence of our children. When I look at my 10 mo. old boy...I think, "How bad is it going to be when he's older?" I don't know...I suppose we have to always be on our toes and try our best. Public school has never entered into my mind as an educational option for my kids anyway. (I suppose I should be thankful that I have the means to have other options) I know my life would have turned out totally different if my parents didn't sacrifice and send me to catholic school. I'm enternally grateful to them that they did.
I think this is probably more widespread than most people realize,but it is just not spoken of. That's why I reponded to MikeWUSAF, I had never heard anyone else talk about that experience, and what it was like for them.
Mossberg.....with 3 1/2 inch mag .00 buck shells
Why waste the ammo?
Short rope...tall tree.
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