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"Well alright Mr. wiseguy! If you're so clever, you tell us what color it should be."

Scene 6. Int. B Ark. Bridge

CAPTAIN:
[Humming]

NUMBER ONE:
Ummm. Er, Captain.?

CAPTAIN:
Oh. Yes, Number One?

NUMBER ONE:
I- I just had a sort of umm, report-thing from Number Two.

CAPTAIN:
Oh dear.

NUMBER ONE:
He was shouting something or other about having found some prisoners.

CAPTAIN:
Oh well! Perhaps that ll keep im happy for a bit. Heh, he s always wanted some.

NUMBER ONE:
Oh, oh& .

[Door opens]

NUMBER TWO:
Captain sir.

CAPTAIN:
Ah! Hel-lo Number Two. Having a nice day?

NUMBER TWO:
I brought you the prisoners I located in Freezer Bay Seven sir.

FORD:
Hello.

ARTHUR:
Er, Hello.

CAPTAIN:
Oh Hello! Excuse me not getting up - just having a quick bath. Well! Um, gin-and-tonics all round then. Uh, look in the fridge will you Number One?

NUMBER ONE:
Certainly, certainly sir.

NUMBER TWO:
Don t you want to interrogate the prisoners, sir?

CAPTAIN:
Dear oh dear, why on Earth should I want to do that?

NUMBER TWO:
Well to get information out of them sir. They are my prisoners, can t I just interrogate them - a little bit?

CAPTAIN:
Oh, all right, if you must. Ask them what they want to drink.

NUMBER TWO:
Oh thank you sir. [Shouts] All right! You scum! You vermin!

CAPTAIN:
I say, steady on Number Two.

NUMBER TWO:
Oh very good sir. Whaddya you want to drink?!

FORD:
Well, uh, the gin-and-tonic sounds very nice to me. Arthur?

ARTHUR:
What? Oh yes..

NUMBER TWO:
With ice or without?

FORD:
Oh, with please.

NUMBER TWO:
Lemon?

FORD:
Er, yes please. And do you have any of those little biscuits? You know the cheesy ones?

NUMBER TWO:
I m asking the questions!

CAPTAIN:
Ye-ah& Number Two& Number Two.

NUMBER TWO:
Sir?

CAPTAIN:
Push off would you, there s a good chap. I m trying to have a relaxing bath.

NUMBER TWO:
Sir. May I remind you that you have now been in that bath for over three years?

CAPTAIN:
Yes. Well, you need to relax a lot in a job like mine.

ARTHUR:
What on Earth s going on?

FORD:
Could I actually ask you, er, what your job is, in fact?

NUMBER ONE:
Er, er, your drinks.

FORD:
Oh, thanks

ARTHUR:
Thanks.

FORD:
I mean couldn t help noticing, you know, the bodies.

CAPTAIN:
Bodies?

FORD:
All those dead telephone sanitizers and account executives, you know, in, in the hold.

CAPTAIN:
Oh! They re not dead! Good Lord, No, no. They re just frozen - they re going to be revived.

ARTHUR:
You really mean you ve got a hold full of frozen hairdressers?

CAPTAIN:
Oh yes. Millions of them! Hairdressers, tired T.V. producers, insurance salesmen, personnel officers&

NUMBER TWO:
Security guards&

NUMBER ONE:
Management consultants&

CAPTAIN:
Yes, well, you name it and we ve got it!

NUMBER ONE:
We certainly have yes!

NUMBER TWO:
[Laughs]

CAPTAIN:
We re going to colonise another planet!

ARTHUR:
What!?

NUMBER TWO:
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

CAPTAIN:
It s exciting, isn t, eh?

ARTHUR:
What, with that lot?

CAPTAIN:
Yeah - oh don t misunderstand me, we re just one of the ships in the Ark Fleet. You see We re the B Ark, you see. Uh, sorry, could I just ask you two to run a bit more hot water for me?

[The taps run water]

CAPTAIN:
Ah yes. Do help yourself to more drinks would you?

FORD:
Oh, thanks.

ARTHUR:
What s a B Ark ?

CAPTAIN:
What? Oh, well! What happened you see, was our planet was doomed.

ARTHUR:
Doomed?

CAPTAIN:
Oh yes. So what everyone thought was, well let s pack the whole population in some sort of giant spaceship, you see, and go and settle on another planet!

ARTHUR:
You mean a less-doomed one?

CAPTAIN:
Oh precisely yes. So it was decided to build three ships, three Arks in space, anyway& where s the soap? Ah! Thank you. Ah! So the idea was that into the first ship, the A Ship, would go all the brilliant leaders&

NUMBER ONE:
The scientists&

CAPTAIN:
Yes, the great artists, you know, all the achievers. And then, into the third ship, the C Ship, would go all the people who did the actual work; who made things and did things you see. And then in the B Ship -

NUMBER ONE:
That s us.

CAPTAIN:
Yes. Would go everyone else, the middlemen you see. And so we were sent off first.

ARTHUR:
But what was wrong with your planet?

CAPTAIN:
Well it was doomed - as I said. Apparently it was going to crash into the sun. Or was it the moon that was going to crash into us?

NUMBER ONE:
No, no, I thought it was that the planet was more or less bound to be invaded by a gigantic swarm of twelve-foot piranha bees.

NUMBER TWO:
No, no, no. That s not what I was told! My commanding officer swore blind that the entire planet was in emanate danger of being eaten by an enormous mutant star goat.

FORD:
Oh really, really?

NUMBER TWO:
Yes, but he was just hoping that the ship he was going in would be ready in time.

ARTHUR:
But they made sure that they sent all you lot off first anyway?

CAPTAIN:
Oh yes, everyone said, and very nicely I think -

NUMBER ONE:
Oh yes sir. Absolutely charming.

CAPTAIN:
That it was very important for moral to feel that they would be arriving on a planet where they could be sure of a good haircut and where the phones were clean.

FORD:
Oh yes! Well I- I can see that would be very important.

ARTHUR:
Can you?!

FORD:
[Now trying very hard not to laugh]Sh-shh Arthur. And er, the, the other ships followed on after you did they?

CAPTAIN:
Ah! Well, it s funny you should mention that&

NUMBER TWO:
Yes, yes isn t it?

NUMBER ONE:
Yes.

CAPTAIN:
Because curiously enough, we haven t actually heard a peep out of them since we left

NUMBER ONE:
No.

CAPTAIN:
But they must be behind us somewhere.

FORD:
Unless, of course, they were eaten by the goat.

CAPTAIN:
Ah! Yes& the goat& Hmm, it s a funny thing you know. Now that I ve actually come to tell the story to someone else, I mean - doesn t it strike you as odd Number One?

NUMBER ONE:
Well sir, er&

CAPTAIN:
Huh?

NUMBER ONE:
Ah&

CAPTAIN:
Ah&

NUMBER ONE:
Mmmh&

CAPTAIN:
Mmmh&

NUMBER ONE:
Oh&

CAPTAIN:
Oh&

FORD:
Well, I can see that you ve got a lot of things you re gonna want to talk about, so thanks for the drinks and if you could sort of drop us off and the nearest, convenient planet..?

CAPTAIN:
Ah well, that s a little difficult you see because our trajectory- thingy, was preset before we left Golgafrincham.

FORD:
When are you gonna reach the planet you re meant to be colonising?

CAPTAIN:
Oh, well we nearly there!& I think& yes. Any second now. Well it s probably time I got out of the bath in fact. Ha ha. Oh& I don t know though& why stop just when you re enjoying it, you know I always say&

ARTHUR:
So we re actually going to land in a minute?

CAPTAIN:
Well not, not, not so much land in fact, I think as far as I can remember we re programmed to, er crash on it.

ARTHUR and FORD:
Crash ?

CAPTAIN:
Yes. It s all part of the plan. & I think. There was terribly good reason for it which I can t& quite& remember at the moment.

FORD:
[Yells in exasperation] You re a load of useless, bloody loonies!!

CAPTAIN:
Ah, yes, that was it, that was reason it was. Ha. Pass me the loofah will you?

[The ship crash lands]

NARRATOR:
The Hitch-Hiker s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the planet of Golgafrincham: It is a planet with an ancient and mysterious history, in which the most mysterious figures of all are, without doubt, those of the Great Circling poets of Arium. These Circling Poets used to live in remote mountain passes where they would lie and wait for small bands of unwary travellers, circle round them, and throw rocks at them. And when the travellers cried out saying why didn t they go away and get on with writing some poems instead of pestering people with all this rock-throwing business, they would suddenly break off and sing them an incredibly long and beautiful song - in which they told of how there once went forth, from the City of Vassillian, a party of five sage princes with four horses. The first part of the song tells how these five sage princes - who are, of course, brave, noble, and wise - travel widely in distant lands, fight giant ogres, pursue exotic philosophies, take tea with weird gods, and rescue beautiful monsters from ravening princesses, before finally announcing that they have achieved enlightenment and that their wanderings are therefore accomplished. The second, and much longer part, tells of all their bickerings about which one of them is going to have to walk back. It was, of course, a descendent of these eccentric poets who invented this curious tale of impending doom which enabled the people of Golgafrincham to rid themselves of an entire useless third of their population. The other two-thirds, of course, stayed at home and lived full, rich, and happy lives until they were all suddenly wiped out by a virulent disease contracted from a dirty telephone. Meanwhile, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, and an Ark-load of frozen middle management men have crashed into the prehistoric dawn of a small, blue-green planet circling an unregarded yellow sun at the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy. After a year or so they convene a meeting to consider their position, which is not, on the whole, good&

Scene 7. Ext. Prehistoric Planet

FORD:
You don t seem to understand&

MAN IN CROWD:
No, no, no I just -

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
It s a simple matter! It s a procedural matter! That s the point!

CAPTAIN:
Alright, alright, alright, alright!

CHAIRMAN:
I d like to call this meeting to some sort of order, if that is at all possible.

CROWD MEMBER:
Care for a light drink sir?

CHAIRMAN:
Uh, not now love&

FORD:
Look! C mon please! I mean everybody! there is some important news: we ve made a discovery.

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Is it on the agenda?

FORD:
Oh don t give me that!

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Well I m sorry, but speaking as a fully trained management consultant I must insist on the importance of observing the committee structure.

CROWD MEMBERS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah!.

FORD:
On a prehistoric planet!?

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Address the chair.

CROWD MEMBERS:
Yes.

FORD:
There isn t a chair! There s only a rock!

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Well, call it a chair.

FORD:
Why not call it a rock?

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
You - you obviously have no conception of modern business methods&

FORD:
And you have no conception of where the hell you are -

MARKETING GIRL:
Oh look shut up you two, just shut up! I want to table a motion. Guy: Boulder a motion you mean&

FORD:
Tha-Thank you I think I ve made that point! Now listen! Someone: Order, Order!

FORD:
Oh God!

CHAIRMAN:
Listen! I would like to call to order the five-hundred-and-seventy-third meeting of the colonization committee of the planet of Fintlewoodlewix. And furthermore -

FORD:
Oh this is futile! Five-hundred-and-seventy-three committee meetings and you haven t even discovered fire yet!

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
If you would care to look at the agenda sheet -

GUY:
Agenda rock, yes&

FORD:
Oh, go on back home or something will ya?

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
& you will see that we are about to have a report from the hairdressers fire development subcommittee today.

HAIRDRESSER:
That s me.

FORD:
Yeah well you know what they ve done don t you? You gave them a couple of sticks and they ve gone and developed them in to a pair of bloody scissors!

MARKETING GIRL:
When you have been in marketing as long as I have, you ll know that before any new product can be developed, it has to be properly researched. I mean yes, yes we ve got to find out what people want from fire, I mean how do they relate to it, the image -

FORD:
Oh, stick it up your nose.

MARKETING GIRL:
Yes which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know, I mean do people want fire that can be fitted nasally.

CHAIRMAN:
Yes, and, and, and the wheel. What about this wheel thingy? Sounds a terribly interesting project to me.

MARKETING GIRL:
Er, yeah, well we re having a little, er, difficulty here&

FORD:
Difficulty?! It s the single simplest machine in the entire universe!

MARKETING GIRL:
Well alright mister wise guy, if you re so clever you tell us what colour it should be!

FORD:
Oh Mighty Zarquon! Has no-one done anything?

MARKETING GIRL:
And of course Finlon the producer has rescued a camera from the wreckage of the ship and is making a fascinating documentary on the indigenous cavemen of the area.

FORD:
Oh yes, and they re dying out, have you noticed that?

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Yes we must make a note sir to stop selling them life insurance.

FORD:
But don t you understand? Just since we ve arrived they ve started dying out.

MARKETING GIRL:
Yes! Yes! And this comes over terribly well in the film that he s making. I gather that he wants to, eh, make a documentary about you next captain.

CAPTAIN:
What? Oh. Oh really? That s awfully nice.

MARKETING GIRL:
Oh, he s got a very strong angle on it: you know the burden of responsibility, the loneliness of command&

CAPTAIN:
Ah well I wouldn t overstress that angle you know, I mean one s never alone with a rubber duck&

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Er, sir, er, skipper?

CAPTAIN:
Want a squeeze, eh?

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Um listen, if we could, er, for a moment move on to the subject of fiscal policy -

FORD:
Fiscal Policy ?!

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Yes.

FORD:
How can you have money if none of you actually produce anything? It doesn t grow on trees you know!

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
You know If you would allow me to continue!

CAPTAIN:
Yes let him to continue.

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt leaves as legal tender, we have, of course all become immensely rich.

FORD:
No really? Really?

CROWD MEMBERS:
Yes, very good move&

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT:
But, we have also run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability. Which means that I gather the current going rate has something like three major deciduous forests buying one ship s peanut. So, um, in order to obviate this problem and effectively revalue the leaf, we are about to embark on an extensive defoliation campaign, and um, burn down all the forests. I think that s a sensible move don t you?

MARKETING GIRL:
That makes economic sense.

[Murmurs of agreement from crowd]

FORD:
[Yells] You re absolutely barmy! You ve a bunch of raving nutters!

MARKETING GIRL:
Well is it - perhaps - in order to inquire what you have been doing all this time, huh?

CROWD MEMBERS:
Yes!

MARKETING GIRL:
Yes, you and that other interloper have been missing for months.

FORD:
Well, with respect love, we have been travelling around trying to find out about this planet.

MARKETING GIRL:
Well, that doesn t sound very productive. I mean I ve looked -

FORD:
Well I have got news, I have got news for you. It doesn t matter a pair foetid dingo's kidneys what you all choose to do from now on. Burn down the forests, anything. It won t make a scrap of difference. Two-million years you ve got, and that s it. At the end of that, your race will be dead, gone, and good-riddance to you. Remember that. Two. Million. Years.

CAPTAIN:
Ah. It s time for another bath. Hmph. Pass me the sponge somebody will you?