Perfect.
Posted on 12/25/2004 2:47:52 AM PST by woofie
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' " "And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if its such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills (like having babies) that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN...
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is NOT what you give, or how you wrap it.
The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.
Cheers!
Are you still married to her?
of course
Then who needs lawyers? LOL.
My daughter loves very fine and expensive red wines. I bought her two bottles of such and did not wrap or bow them. She didn't seem disappointed about that when she got them.
Ya can never have too many lawyers....on second thought
I once wrapped all my gifts in green bar computer paper and used 9 track tape as ribbon.
Perfect.
So true. I had to wrap gifts last night because my wife got paged to work. I simply could not believe how difficult it was. It took me nearly three hours and I got absolutely nothing right. I couldn't even cut the damn wrapping paper straight. Nothing but jagged edges. But I got the gifts covered - even though I had to cut out squares of wrapping paper to "patch up" some of them. Bad as my wrapping job was however, the kids didn't seem to notice this morning how bad a hack job it was. They just ripped the wrapping right off just like any other year. So maybe the women are going through this trouble all for nothing.
One year I gave my wife a few fairly prosaic things, a hair dryer, some lotions and such but I told her she would really love one of the gifts, a medium sized box wrapped pretty well, On Christmas morning she unwrapped the other things first as I told her to save the box for last. She opened it up, finally, and found a nice but ordinary looking bathrobe inside. she tried not to look confused and dissapointed. I told her to try it on and worked very hard not to say anymore. Eventually after about 5-10 minutes she found the sapphire ring in the pocket.
Merry Christmas "ping", baby!
Been there done that!!
I just use scotch tape, without the wrapping paper. If you make the layers thick enough, they won't be able to see what's inside, plus it makes for hours of fun unwrapping the package. It's also quite amusing to see when small animals and children get stuck in the packaging! Sort of like the scene in LOTR-Return of the King, when Frodo gets stuck in the giant spider web!
Just like cowbells, you can never have too much scotch tape!
Mark
If the gift fits in a cigar box, and the box still has that little nail to hold it shut, the gift is wrapped.
After all, which should be preferred? Shabby, gaudy paper, or fine Spanish cedar?
I once ordered a sheet of uncut money bills for wrapping paper. For some reason there were zero complaints about the odd wrapping.
My husband is much better at wrapping gifts than I. One year, he even used his cad pc & plotter to design some pretty cool custom paper.
Heheheheeeeee
Sometimes a sadistic streak is good!
a couple years ago I watched my girlfriend wrap presents... the secret to getting rid of jagged edges is to fold the paper over and go from there... although like most guys I just feign helplessness until a woman helps me...
So what do I do for my girlfriend? Do the best I can and hope she's serious when she says she doesn't care how it's wrapped as long as it's from the heart!
"How can you live with yourself?"
The important question is how does my wife live we me? She's truely a saint.
"I told my sister that I was just giving her an empty box for Christmas."
That's a good one. Here's one you might try. Wrap a present and then with great fanfare announce that they cannot take it out of the freezer until Christmas day. They can shake it or handle it as long as they return it to the freezer. Really gets the mind to working. (Wrap up a frozen desert. Strawberry shortcake works real good.)
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