Posted on 12/09/2004 2:37:55 PM PST by weegee
Super-compassionate liberal Senator Ted Kennedy is one of the richest politicians in America, but he's quietly giving back -- by teaching poor inner-city teens to drive, free of charge!
That's the surprising revelation of a clergyman who coordinates the program, based in a community center in Washington, D.C.
"Teddy doesn't charge these kids a dime and doesn't take any credit," reveals Father Bryan MacKelly. "He volunteers his time on the down-low -- he doesn't really want the media to make a big deal about his personal generosity.
"He told me, 'Safe driving is a skill every young American deserves to have -- not just the rich.' "
The bighearted Massachusetts senator drives himself to the community center in an unobtrusive old Pontiac he uses to give the free one-hour lessons.
"He comes and goes without waiting for thanks, like the Lone Ranger," Fr. MacKelly marvels.
When the roly-poly, silver-haired politician first showed up and was introduced as the new driving instructor, the high-schoolers -- ages 16 to 18 -- were shocked.
"Who's the weird fat dude?" one youth asked.
After Fr. MacKelly introduced him as Ted Kennedy, the teens were even more awestruck.
"It's the dude who got assassinated, y'all," another youth whispered.
Fr. MacKelly hastily explained that it was Ted's older brother, President John F. Kennedy, who was murdered in Dallas.
Lakwanda, 17, was one of the first pupils to go for a spin with the legendary lawmaker.
"At first, I was real nervous, 'cause pulling out from the curb, Mr. Ted knocked over two garbage cans and scraped the fender on a fire hydrant," she recalls. "He laughed and apologized and told me it had been a while since he did his own driving.
"But once he put me behind the wheel, he was real cool. He kept telling stories about the old days and famous people he'd met, like Bob Dylan and Fidel Castro.
"I didn't know who they were, but I liked that he was so friendly."
The senator, who was involved in the infamous 1969 Chappaquiddick car accident in which a young woman drowned, makes no attempt to downplay the tragedy during lessons. Instead, he uses the incident as a cautionary tale.
"Some of you may be a little scared of driving," he tells the youngsters. "Well you should be. One momentary lapse of attention, breaking one 'minor' traffic rule and you or a loved one could wind up dead."
The senator has been giving lessons since February, when he ran into Fr. MacKelly at a charitable function.
"I was telling Teddy about some of our programs," the pastor remembers. "When I mentioned we had two volunteer driving instructors and were looking for a third, his eyes lit up."
no but it includes a bottle of wiskey and a step by step pamflit on how to escape a sinking car
Gee, Ted Kennedy suffers from the same disease as Bill Clintoon--- "I must talk to people/someone/anyone every breathing moment of everyday in order to (feebly attempt to ) fill that vast and empty hole in my stomach". (SLAP!)
They've REALLY been giving Teddy a hard time lately, huh?
I love the Weekly World News. Do not miss this article:
Your Weekly World Tools
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL
Here, from government experts, are 10 warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe:
1. Looks too good to be true -- If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl.
2. Out-of-date lingo -- Alien prostitutes try to fit in by using streetwalker slang -- but often use outdated terms. A hooker who sees a police car and whispers, "Cheese it, the fuzz!" likely hails from deep space.
3. Evasive about identity and origins -- Few gals in "the life" are forthcoming about their full names. But a scarlet woman who refuses even to divulge where she comes from -- vaguely describing her birthplace as "the Midwest" or "overseas" -- could be an ET.
4. Odd, hard-to-place accent. "They have trouble pronouncing the letter 'R,' " Manling reveals.
5. Unusually petite -- The average alien hooker stands roughly 5 feet tall, but may attempt to disguise her size with ridiculously high heels.
6. Sex was "unbelievable." If the encounter was "everything you've always fantasized about," chances are the memory was implanted by ETs.
7. Missing time -- If you paid for an hour with a hooker, but your watch indicates four hours have gone by, this suggests part of your memory of the encounter has been erased.
8. Seems telepathic -- A fallen woman who finishes your sentences or slips up and mentions your real name when you've given her a bogus one, is probably invading your thoughts -- and our planet.
9. Over-perfumed -- Hookers from outer space often try to mask their peculiar ET body odor.
10. Squeamish about spanking -- Terrestrial prostitutes are willing to perform virtually every sexual act if the money is right. But ETs don't like having their butts touched.
Published on: 09/02/2004
Admittedly I have not read all the responses but has anyone missed the most obvious observation--poor, driving lessons, car ownership? Have the definitions of poor changed? I don't have a plasma TV yet--does that mean I fit the definition of poor?
dfwgator...how could you? Wait just a minute, there was a big splash there too!
Most of the students are majoring in Driving and Minoring in swimming.
It's like I always say, never get into a car, plane or boat with a Kennedy.
The stuff of great Journalism, indeed! They ran a similar piece back in the late 1980's, with a title something like: "How to Tell if your Neighbor is a Werewolf!" The Weekly World News IS the NYT without the pretense.
It is a part of his defensive driving course. The Legal Defense part...
"Our family was so poor that the maid had to rent her own apartment."
Ted is just desperate for a designated driver.
OH thanks for clearing that up ;-)
11. If you are over 50 and a 20 year old unpaid intern starts flashing you her thong. Beware. You are about to get abducted by aliens (they just sent you a decoy).
Could this article be related to this one?
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/science/61484
And the bottle in the glove box.
You know when Teddy is getting drunk, he doesn't realize that his bra has fallen down around his waist.
Next to the DUmmie FUnnies, this is the funniest thing I've heard all day.
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