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Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures
http://www.fiberalmedia.com ^

Posted on 10/16/2004 5:48:19 AM PDT by jamfull

Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures

Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful John Kerry, revealed several alternative health remedies today while speaking in Reno. According to Teresa, better health awaits those who follow her alternative advice.

In all her remedies, Teresa advocates a strong liberal use of the sauce (not the secret 57 kind) and white raisins.

Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:

Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”

Bunions: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, drink three martinis daily: one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at dinner. After each martini, spin around and do the hokey pokey for enjoyment.”

Cold: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, drink several shots of 100 proof Wild Turkey during coughing spells or when needed – no hokey pokey required.

Poor Eyesight: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, get some medical “Maui Wowee” marijuana and smoke three fat joints a day. Also, make sure you’re loaded with some good munchies. Imported Belgian Chocolate and extra cheesy nachos are my favorites.”

Wrinkles: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, find the best damn plastic surgeon who has stockpiled large amounts of Botox. Also, make sure you have some spare hooch in the cupboard for when you get the bill."

Poor Hearing: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, sip several tall glasses of Elijah Craig Bourbon Whiskey throughout the day, smoke a few fat joints of medical marijuana -- then you won’t give a crap what other idiots have to say."

When asked what happens if someone has more than one ailment, Teresa replied, "If they follow the remedy for each ailment, they’ll be so stoned throughout the day they’ll feel no pain, believe me."

Teresa, however, gave a final word of caution to those who wish to follow her plan: "please, no driving or use of any sharp objects allowed."

Teresa also plans a book tour to promote her health advice after the elections. But she wants fans to know all book signings will be in the late afternoons only. She says she doesn't like getting up before 2:00 pm.

www.fiberalmedia.com


TOPICS: Editorial
KEYWORDS: bonkers; boytoy; crazy; deranged; gigolo; kerry; lurch; mentallyill; nuts; poodle; pottymouth; teresaheinz; weird
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1 posted on 10/16/2004 5:48:19 AM PDT by jamfull
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To: jamfull

She must have stock in Seagrams... LOL... she is definately under the influence of something...


2 posted on 10/16/2004 5:50:24 AM PDT by tomnbeverly (If John Kerry wins I guess I'll see ya in the Bread Lines)
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To: jamfull

(hic) - I think I read this one already....... (hic, hic..) ...raisins soaked in gin, mmm, that's what she is up to.


3 posted on 10/16/2004 5:50:48 AM PDT by tioga
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To: jamfull

You had me going - I thought these were REALLY effective cures straight from Terry Kerry BUT - with her cool billion - she probably has the doctor on retainer and never SEES or cares about a bill that contains less than 5 figures.


4 posted on 10/16/2004 5:51:19 AM PDT by NHResident
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To: tomnbeverly
I went the witch doctor to see what she would say.
5 posted on 10/16/2004 5:53:54 AM PDT by cripplecreek (The economy won't matter if you're dead.)
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To: tomnbeverly

Nothing less than Bombay Sapphire for the rich witch.


6 posted on 10/16/2004 5:54:56 AM PDT by ArmedNReady (George Bush has wood for the Democrats)
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To: jamfull
Hey, I like Tah-ray-zah's national health care plan a lot more than Hillary's.

Leni

7 posted on 10/16/2004 5:56:05 AM PDT by MinuteGal
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To: jamfull

"Hey . . . you, come get her will ya'? She's been in the gin and raisins again!"
8 posted on 10/16/2004 5:58:27 AM PDT by BenLurkin (We have low inflation and and low unemployment.)
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To: MinuteGal

I am confessing. I am going to get some white raisiins and try this. I wonder if the raisins get all soaked with the gin. This appeals to me, maybe as an after dinner course with cheese. Teresa may be onto something.


9 posted on 10/16/2004 5:58:34 AM PDT by cajungirl (Jammies Up!!)
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To: jamfull
TereSa, African witch doctor, medicine woman, much "joo-joo"!! Much "joo-joo".

Well, she did turn Kerry's face from a horrible scary mess into just a scary mess.

10 posted on 10/16/2004 5:58:39 AM PDT by isthisnickcool (Only dummies play poker with George W. Bush.)
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To: ArmedNReady

For a toothache I drink the urine of a pregnant crocodile at a crossroads at midnight. Facing east if the pain is in the upper jaw, facing west if it's in the lower.


11 posted on 10/16/2004 5:59:01 AM PDT by cripplecreek (The economy won't matter if you're dead.)
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To: jamfull
Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:

Botox and a slug of whiskey.

12 posted on 10/16/2004 5:59:38 AM PDT by beyond the sea (ab9usa4uandme)
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To: cajungirl

Jerry Baker the gardener talk show host from "On the Garden Line" has talked about this for years!
Maybe she is a closet listener!


13 posted on 10/16/2004 6:05:19 AM PDT by MissP-38
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To: jamfull

Judging from the way Mrs. Kerry looks she must have very bad arthritis and needs a dose every 20 minutes. In between doses she also needs a liberal helping of Xanax. Just to keep the pain under control of course.


14 posted on 10/16/2004 6:05:49 AM PDT by foolscap
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To: ArmedNReady

Bombay Sapphire? Ooooh, heh that is the good stuff!


15 posted on 10/16/2004 6:08:06 AM PDT by ThirstyMan
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To: jamfull

I met a GIN-soaked, bar-room queen who is a heiress,
I tried to take her upstairs for a ride,
I had to heave her right across my shoulder.
And she just can't seem, to drink me - off her mind!

She's a honky tonk, honky tonk heiress.
Gimme, gimme, gimme - her honky-tonk cures!


16 posted on 10/16/2004 6:10:37 AM PDT by Condor51 (May God have mercy upon my enemies, I won't. -- Gen G. Patton Jr)
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To: jamfull

"You get some gin and get some white raisins ..."

Is that why she appears to be drunk?

This woman has ISSUES!


17 posted on 10/16/2004 6:10:56 AM PDT by nmh (Intelligent people recognize Intelligent Design (God).)
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To: ThirstyMan

Nothing better for a dry martini.


18 posted on 10/16/2004 6:11:40 AM PDT by ArmedNReady (George Bush Has Wood for the Democrats)
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To: jamfull

Somebody tell Ta-Razor that those aren't white raisins. That's a reflection of her face in the martini glass.


19 posted on 10/16/2004 6:13:03 AM PDT by ArmedNReady (George Bush Has Wood for the Democrats)
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To: jamfull
Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins —
and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”


IIRC, this folk remedy for arthritis was mentioned on Paul Harvey's radio show
maybe a decade ago.

But that doesn't change the fact that Tereza is a very rich nutburger.
20 posted on 10/16/2004 6:13:05 AM PDT by VOA
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