Posted on 07/30/2004 10:05:26 PM PDT by neverdem
OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
My name is Licorice, and I am a hamster.
I have never shared my story before because, frankly, sometimes all a hamster has is his privacy. Thursday night, however, Alexandra Kerry described the circumstances of my rescue by her father after I had fallen off a pier in Massachusetts.
I have come forward now to set the record straight.
I was the hamster of Alexandra's sister, Vanessa, and she, on balance, was a good person, although a bit of a tickler. On this occasion, as the family gathered on the pier to depart for a vacation, somebody - I'm not saying it was Alexandra; I'm not saying it was on purpose - "bumped" my cage, and the next thing I knew, I was in the water and sinking fast.
I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. My life has not been all that interesting, so it wasn't exactly like watching "The Godfather I and II." I mean, I'm a hamster. I could see a bright light, but I seemed to be on a wheel that rotated as I ran, so I never got any closer. But I was aware of a shining, all-loving divine rodent presence telling me: "It's not time yet. You have more to do on earth."
"Like what?" I asked, but I could already feel myself back in my body, could feel strong hands yanking open my cage and pulling me upward to safety.
Yes, it was John Kerry. Help was on the way. Yes, he did perform CPR. Yes, he did perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. There is no doubt that I owe him my life. On the other hand, the water went up to his chest, O.K.? I mean, this wasn't exactly PT-109.
It's also true that I wound up suing the family. I have continuing health problems, including a partial paralysis on my right side that makes it difficult for me to drink out of a regular water bottle. And let's just say there aren't going to be any Licorice Jr.'s. One of the small pleasures of hamster life denied.
There was a settlement. I can't talk about it. I got enough to pay for a daily home health aide.
How do I feel about John Kerry? Mainly, I'm grateful he wasn't married to that Heinz woman when this happened. You think she would have allowed him to jump in the water in his J. Press poplin slacks? Food pellets wouldn't melt in her mouth. I'd have drowned and been eaten by lobsters.
And I'm glad I wasn't a Bush family pet. Their hamsters probably have to rescue them, from the looks of things.
I might wind up speaking at the Republican convention, though. I'm opposed to stem cell research. With any kind of research, hamsters always wind up taking it right on the chin. And we barely even have chins.
Colin McEnroe is a radio talk show host and writer.
Licorice Speaks (as channeled by John Edwards):
After the first five seconds, I was okay. After another five seconds I sensed I was wet and headed for trouble. After another five seconds I thought "I'm not doing well here." After another 20 seconds, my eyes got REALLY BIG and I thought 'whoa! I'm going to be eaten by this huge ugly bunny with big buck teeth!' But then he started to pump my chest and breathed into my mouth. Ay carramba! Hey coulda used some Scope! Well, needless to say, I survived so I could continue to be terrorized by this clumsy chick who should have known better than to take a hamster to a dock. What the hell was she thinking anyway? Why can't parents be more judicious when putting our welfare in the hands of children?
That's why I sued the operators of the dock, the builders of the dock, the manufacturers of my shoebox, the Kerry children as well as that big ugly bunny who tried to save my life. After that experience, there's no way I'm ever going to live a normal life and I deserve to be compensated to the tune of $4.8 million dollars of which my attorney will receive $3.2 million of it. Any questions should be directed to my attorney, Mr. Edwards.
Good catch .. it does
Colin McEnroe is a pompous,elitist liberal jerk.
Who said Socks... You remember the Clinton Cat don't you??? I'm a hamster, not an intern.
"Be REAL glad you weren't a Gere pet."
Laughinhg too hasdr to type peoperly! Wat a visusl!! Tahks for this one! :(:)
And that bottom feeding John Edwards will be working hard to give Hamsters equal rights as every man woman or child.
More and more I am suspicious that Kerry & Edwards' wifes are a ruse for the real reason there is a Kerry/Edwards ticket. Everytime they are in the same photo they look attracted towards each other.
Now with a pet hamster it all makes sense. I won't go there, I won't touch that... literally!
And don't you just KNOW that poor Licorice had to go through this harrowing experience TWICE! The original and the 8 mm-filmed re-enactment.......
"Aaaaannndddd ACTION!!!"
Clips are right below your post. ;)
OH MY GOSH!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!
I usually don't post humor, but enough funny comments were generated on the thread that I thought I should share. Anyone who wants off my lists, let me know.
Yes.
Considering the fate of Buddy, thank god Licorice didn't belong to the Clintoons.
"Be REAL glad you weren't a Gere pet."
Okay, I've pretty well regained my composure, but I'm still laughing about this.
Actually, your post has been very enlightening...I initially assumed that John Kerry was simply trying to re-create the birthing process, but now I suspect that his "bunny suit" escapade was a diabolical, self-serving attempt to re-enact the Gere/gerbil debacle. It's not enough that Kerry is talking out of both sides of his mouth where the Vietnam veterans vs. anti-war activists are concerned. No, now he is shamelessly trying to commandeer the hamster vote by duping them into believing that he shares their experiences.
My daughter and I always wanted to do a calendar of hamsters dressed up as a: gang-ster; mini-ster; rap-ster; mon-ster; sport-ster; bari-ster; road-ster; mob-ster; burgermei-ster; jes-ter...you get the picture.
Great idea! You can also feature a hamster standing in a pile of his own pellets and staring at a photo of John Kerry. Your picture could be called Dump-ster. ; )
bttt
Kerry's daughter is mistaken. He didn't give the hamster CPR. What really happened is Kerry was on LSD, hallucinated that the hamster was John Edwards and was trying to make out with it.
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