Posted on 07/30/2004 10:05:26 PM PDT by neverdem
OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
My name is Licorice, and I am a hamster.
I have never shared my story before because, frankly, sometimes all a hamster has is his privacy. Thursday night, however, Alexandra Kerry described the circumstances of my rescue by her father after I had fallen off a pier in Massachusetts.
I have come forward now to set the record straight.
I was the hamster of Alexandra's sister, Vanessa, and she, on balance, was a good person, although a bit of a tickler. On this occasion, as the family gathered on the pier to depart for a vacation, somebody - I'm not saying it was Alexandra; I'm not saying it was on purpose - "bumped" my cage, and the next thing I knew, I was in the water and sinking fast.
I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. My life has not been all that interesting, so it wasn't exactly like watching "The Godfather I and II." I mean, I'm a hamster. I could see a bright light, but I seemed to be on a wheel that rotated as I ran, so I never got any closer. But I was aware of a shining, all-loving divine rodent presence telling me: "It's not time yet. You have more to do on earth."
"Like what?" I asked, but I could already feel myself back in my body, could feel strong hands yanking open my cage and pulling me upward to safety.
Yes, it was John Kerry. Help was on the way. Yes, he did perform CPR. Yes, he did perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. There is no doubt that I owe him my life. On the other hand, the water went up to his chest, O.K.? I mean, this wasn't exactly PT-109.
It's also true that I wound up suing the family. I have continuing health problems, including a partial paralysis on my right side that makes it difficult for me to drink out of a regular water bottle. And let's just say there aren't going to be any Licorice Jr.'s. One of the small pleasures of hamster life denied.
There was a settlement. I can't talk about it. I got enough to pay for a daily home health aide.
How do I feel about John Kerry? Mainly, I'm grateful he wasn't married to that Heinz woman when this happened. You think she would have allowed him to jump in the water in his J. Press poplin slacks? Food pellets wouldn't melt in her mouth. I'd have drowned and been eaten by lobsters.
And I'm glad I wasn't a Bush family pet. Their hamsters probably have to rescue them, from the looks of things.
I might wind up speaking at the Republican convention, though. I'm opposed to stem cell research. With any kind of research, hamsters always wind up taking it right on the chin. And we barely even have chins.
Colin McEnroe is a radio talk show host and writer.
"Fighting hamsters from the sky
Rodents who live to jump and die
Rats who mean just what they say
We are hamsters of the green toupee..."
Hooah! LOL!
John eFing Hamster kissing bump!
LOL!! I LOVE your movie poster! No thread has ever made me laugh this much! At this point, I'm confident that LICORICE could defeat Kerry in November!!
John Kerry: "I am Captain Douchebag, reporting for doodie."
Never ceases to amuse me, anyway (I admit to being easily amused).
DUMP_STER LOL
Judging from the terror-stricken look in Licorice's eyes and the deathgrip that Kerry has on him, I'm afraid that our helpless little friend is in for the ole' Purple Heart-tossing treatment. Apparently that's John's knee-jerk reaction to controversial acts of heroism.
TOO FUNNY! ROFL ;^D
see tagline
hehehehe!
the movie poster...$$$ PRICELESS $$$ :))
ROTFL!
Yes, but we're fun.
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