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If only Bush had the slight 85-4 lead in the popular polls, then Kerry might be defeated in November. But alas, Kerry served in Vietnam! And no one dares question his patriotism. Kerry defected, which is considered honorable. He accused his fellow soldiers of committing war crimes by actually shooting the enemy and of real war crimes that they never committed. He plotted to assassinate American senators. He is a real patriot.

Bush deserted by not maintaining videotapes of his every move in the Texas Air National Guard and by accepting a discharge after the end of the Vietnam War to pursue a Master of Business Administration. Bush's record is dishonorable, constituting desertion and even treason (according to al-Gore). Bush, therefore, is in no position to question the patriotism of Kerry, where "patriotism" is construed to include his positions on any vaguely foreign-policy-related matter. In addition, even after four years in the Oval Office, Bush is an idiot, traitor whose every utterance is a lie. He obviously lacks the skills necessary to run a filibuster in the United Nations while speaking perfect Parasite French, which apparently is now a qualification for the Presidency. Too bad I cannot remember a single President who ever used that skill.

So sadly have the definitions of words changed. "Honorable," "patriot," "traitor," "idiot," "liar," and various other words now mean the exact opposite of what I find in my antiquated dictionary. Or maybe everything's changed. I can't tell.