James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[bootyist-monk]

Nick Gilder
"Hot Child in the City"

[Tribune7]

"Electric Avenue," Eddy Grant. My token '80s entry. Not the worst song, but annoying. If I can distill it to its pith: First we are going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher. I'm not sure how to rock as a means of locomotion; maybe we'll walk while moving our hips one way and our shoulders the other while making appropriately determined Rock Faces. But even if we arrive at the desired location by means of rocking, how do we take it higher? I mean, you're just going to end up with a lot of people at the corner of Electric and Hydropower, panting slightly from all that rocking, wondering if we're supposed to climb up on the lamp posts or something. To clarify matters, Mr. Grant shouts "Out on the streets!" over growling synthesizer sounds, thereby earning him credibility. Rockers are always concerned about The Streets, where things are Real. The Doobie Brothers tried the same thing with "Takin' It to the Streets," although they were cagey about what IT was. The revolution? Music? The recycling bin?

That one's on my list too.

[jimtorr]

Oh yeah? Well, if you're going to bring up "Video Killed The Radio Star", then I'm going to mention "On the Mexican Radio!"

[shelterguy]

You dare to criticize Freebird? You obviosly don't realize how cool that song is after a few too many Pabst Blue Ribbons.

[Tribune7]

"Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" by I don't know who

Kris Kristofferson, I think.

[Ready4Freddy]

Actually, 'Muskrat Candlelight' by Willis Alan Ramsey. As performed by Willis Alan, the song was great.

[Hand em their arse]

FEED YOUR HEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!

[InvisibleChurch]

'mr. postman' by the carpenters ... i don't really have anything against the song or the carpenters, but just their version of it.. it's a rockandroll song that's been drained of any life...it's got a twinky guitar solo and karen carpenter is a balladeer, not a rnr singer... plus i don't think that drummers ought to be singers... how can they concentrate on two things at once? they just aren't that smart!

[Loyalist]

Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina."

Just plain, all around bad.

[leenie312]

Joy to the world...3 Dog Night..played that song on the radio at least 87,000 times too many...

[InvisibleChurch]

"Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" by I don't know who Kris Kristofferson, I think.

kenny rogers ...of "I just dropped in" fame

[Tribune7]

"99 Luftballoons" was a profound and touching song about how irresponsible pointless peace gestures by peace/enviro/whatever groups could inadvertantly start WWIII.

[Bug]

You dare to criticize Freebird?

Yes!

You obviosly don't realize how cool that song is after a few too many Pabst Blue Ribbons.

In my 49 years of life, that experience has escaped me. ;-}

[shelterguy]

It was by Kenny Rogers which brings up his other worst hit "Lucille"

[weegee]

"Blame It On The Rain" (not) by Milli Vanilli.

[Focault's Pendulum]

Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird

I'm not normally a violent person...but you had better start to hide.

[Hand em their arse]

Are you more of a Schlitz guy?? :)

[King Prout]

I have you all beat: "MrTambourineMan" as performed by Bill Shatner

If there is ANYTHING so horrible, I have been blessed not to hear it.

ALL YOUR SONG ARE BELONG TO US!

[Iberian]

Hey, I liked 96 tears. I hated afternoon delight though.

[shelterguy]

You are lucky. I am 46 now and it doesn't sound as cool sober.