James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[highlander_UW]

Stop mocking me. (you read my profile, didn't you?)

I wish I could claim I had, but it's just an amusing coincidence!

[sully777]

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy.
I got love in my tummy,
And I feel like a-lovin you:
Love, you're such a sweet thing,
Good enough to eat thing
And that's just a-what I'm gonna do.
Ooh love, to hold ya,
Ooh love, to kiss ya,
Ooh love, I love it so.
Ooh love, you're sweeter,
Sweeter than sugar.
Ooh love, I wont let you go.

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy,
I got love in my tummy,
And as silly as it may seem;
The lovin' that you re giving,
is what keeps me livin'
And your love is like
Peaches and cream.
Kind-a like sugar,
Kind-a like spices,
Kind-a like, like what you do.
Kind-a sounds funny.
But love,honey
Honey. I love you.

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy,
I. got love in my tummy,
That your love can satisfy;
Love, you're such a sweet thing,
Good enough to eat thing
And sweet thing, that ain't no lie.
I love to hold ya,
Oh love, to kiss ya,
Ooh love, I love it so.
Ooh love, you're sweeter,
Sweeter than sugar.
Ooh love, I wont let you go.

---

I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

[weegee]

Actually if you see the movie you'll realize that it is that color for a reason...

[weegee]

Maybe you'll remember this one:

"My name is Mikey, I have a nick-el, I have a nick-el, shiny and new..."

Clint Holmes

[weegee]

Just how is this "conservative"? Sounds absolutely Marxist to me.

Tax the rich, feed the poor
Till there are no rich no more

[weegee]

That's the Legendary Stardust Cowboy and he had a Top 100 chart hit with that song. The original was recorded by him as a two piece with T Bone Burnett on drums.

Mercury Records released the song (the flip side was the slightly more coherent but still still twisted Who's That Knocking On My Door?). He even sang both songs on Laugh In.

David Bowie got the "Stardust" name from this guy. Everything David did seems to have been lifted from other bands (he also had an early acetate of the Velvet Underground's first album before it was released and he became the first band to cover the VU).

Most recently (previous album) David Bowie covered the Ledge's "I took a ride on a Gemini Spacecraft and I thought about you".

[sully777]

"Benny and the Jets," hands down, no doubt about it.

What the heck is this song about, anyways?

---

We had a classic rock station as white noise in the room. The Elton John song Tiny Dancer started. A 6 foot 250 lb married guy started singing the tune mindlessly while he did paperwork. We all turned to look at him when he sang the part

Now she's in me
Always with me
Hold me closer
Tiny Dancer

I was the first to inform the guy what Elton was happy to tell the world. I asked if he was happy as well. He was pissed! He never thought of the words. LOL. It's funny that Elton John was so sensitive about his sexuality years after Tiny Dancer, Yellow Brick Road, and Funeral For A Friend.

[weegee]

I remember when I first heard Candy Man on the radio I thought that if it was about the claims of a drug dealer it was an ok song, but if not it is major lame...turns out it's just about candy.

Well all of those kids singing in the background should be a tip off. The Sammy Davis Jr. recording of that was backed by the Mike Curb Congregation.

I bring up this history because Mike Curb produced a lot of soundtrack albums for 1960s AIP drug/biker/youth films (like The Trip, the Wild Angels, and Wild In The Streets) but he cleaned up his act and now does a lot to keep those recordings from being reissued. He has Curb Records these days (and a whole lot of country bands).

[sully777]

There was also a song in '62 or '63 that made my skin crawl, it was 'California Sun'. Lame, Lame, Lame!

---

You must hear The Ramone's version of California Sun. It is much better, with an edge of humor. Ramones did a remake of Baby I Love You which was classic humor. As my nephew says, Ramones are da bomb.

[weegee]

You forgot "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

I take it you stayed with the thread long enough to see the link to the Scopitone music video of Leonard Nimoy singing that song?

[weegee]

Right, like my classic, but unsold, song: "I Just Had Sex With My Dead Pet Goat Sue".

To be followed by this standard?

"You Made Me Love Ewe, I Didn't Want To Do It..."

[weegee]

Rap seems to thrive on whatever the opposite of talent is.

Well I do think that it is a bottom feeder mentality.

A genuine musician/band leader would get a horn section instead of ripping off James Brown blasts. As least get someone to play the notes FOR you.

Rhyming isn't a new thing but the ones who were good at it used it as a tool (a trick of the trade) to being a pimp (listen to Iceberg Slim). Some like Rudy Ray Moore used it for comedy (as a toastmaster) although Rudy was a singer decades before he became a comedian.

The difference between all of these rhymers and those who used to speak it is the swiped musical cuts that back up their phrasing. Ergo it is bottom feeding; using someone else's work rather than crafting your own. That most of the hits use riffs from songs that ALREADY were hits indicates that people (commercial radio) are attracted to the riffs more than the words over the music.

[weegee]

true, the Papa Oom Mow Mows are too slow in Elvira.

Listen to Surfin Bird instead (or go back to the original Rivingtons' Papa Oom Mow Mow and the even wilder Mama Oom Mow Mow!).

[FreedomCalls]

(Rap is to music what the Etch-A-Sketch is to art.)

This guy is good though.

[cmsgop]

MR. ROBOTO!!!!!!!!! ......STYX.

[weegee]

CHEWY CHEWY
Ohio Express

Chewy, Chewy, Chewy.....
Always got a mouthful of such sweet things to say
Chewy's full of sugar and I love her that way
Everytime you love me it's a real sugar treat
Love me little chewy cause you do it so sweet
Baby a living box of candy wrapped up so very fine
Do it to me chewy chew me out of my mind.
Ooh I love to kiss her
Love to hold her
Love to miss her
Love to scold her
Love to love her like I do.
Oh little Chewy
Don't know what you're doing to me
But you're doing to me what I want you to.

[Spirochete]

"Still, the one that makes me retch the most is Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow because it keeps me from thinking about that turd in the punchbowl, Bill Clinton."

Didn't BC use that song as his campaign theme back in '92?
I swear I remember seeing that in the convention coverage.
Every time I hear it I think about the '92 democrap convention.

[weegee]

Better take a picture of those because the originals could never hang on the wall of a museum (the dust is not archival and would slowly drop off of the glass).

[sully777]

Re: Rap is talentless. I agree in large measure but would say there are exceptions to the rule. I think old school rap is better than today's gangsta/ho CRap. IMO White Lines by Grandmaster Flash is a classic song with a strong anti-drug message. In fact, the song has so strong an anti-drug message, the song had little playtime when it first hit the airwaves but became a hit by word of mouth! Later, the song is requested but played little.

http://www.lyricsdir.com/g/grandmaster-flash/whitelines-dont-dont-do-it-us-12-street-mix.php

You may not agree it qualifies as good music. That's fine. But here's a sample:

A street kid gets arrested, gonna do some time
He got out three years from now just to commit more crime
A businessman is caught with 24 kilos
He's out on bail and out of jail
And that's the way it goes
(Raah!)

Chorus Cane! Sugar! Cane! Sugar! Cane!

Athletes rejected, governors corrected
Gangsters, thugs and smugglers are thoroughly respected
The money gets divided
The women get excited
Now I'm broke and it's no joke
It's hard as hell to fight it, so don't buy it!

[Drumbo]

Almost 500 replies and not one Freeper uttered Neil Young or Cat Stevens (born Steven Demetre Georgiou and aka Yusuf Islam)? The shame! You just don't know BAD music folks.

"... Now you’re underneath the stairs
And you’re givin’ back some glares
To the people who you met
And it’s your first cigarette ..."