James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[Lazamataz]

You can't make a "worst songs" list with songs you dislike... A bad song is a song that doesn't sell. Period.

Right, like my classic, but unsold, song: "I Just Had Sex With My Dead Pet Goat Sue".

[Lazamataz]

But sometimes, as Freud admitted, a cigar is just a cigar.

This is sufficient proof to me that Freud was gay.

NTTAWWT.

[Lazamataz]

"Benny and the Jets," hands down, no doubt about it.

What the heck is this song about, anyways?

[Celtic Conservative]

rotflol!

that one made my day!

CC

[capt. norm]

Sorry. Rap would have to qualify as actual music, which it is not.

I have the same opinion on rap. All it does is give some otherwise talentless people a chance to get their 15 minutes of fame.

Of all the other music forms, whether I liked their music or not, at least the musicians were talented.

As an example, not everyone likes Dire Straits, but hey would have to admit that Mark Knopfler is a master guitarist. (Even the "Godfather of Guitarists", Chet Atkins, agrees on that). So far, I've never detected any such talent in the rappers.

Rap seems to thrive on whatever the opposite of talent is.

I decided to change my tag-line for that reason.

[Uncle Meat]

Anything by Celine Dion! The boy bands also piss me off but good.

I declare open season on boybands.

[cyborg]

Bryan Adams? LOL

[johndpringle]

You are right on! I hated that song.

[skinkinthegrass]

ahhh...the memories...the worst, B. Jack, "Seasons in the Sun." :/

[Condor51]

I'll give a dishonorable mention to "Don't Bring Me Down" by the Electric Light Orchestra

Surely you can't be serious ?!? In fact I think I'll though my ELO's greatest Hits CD in now so I can hear it :-)

[Condor51]

EEK, something happened to my post.
Anyway I'm playing ELO's 'Out of The Blue' now.

As to worst 'song' I concur with anything by Bobby Goldsboro. There was also a song in '62 or '63 that made my skin crawl, it was 'California Sun'. Lame, Lame, Lame!

[Rocko]

One's idea of a "great song" has much to do with what or whom one associates said song.

Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop" has been forever ruined by its adoption as the Democrat's 1992 theme song, as has Elton John's "Candle in the Wind" since he rewrote it for that funeral.

[commish]

I cannot believe this thread made it 470+ posts without mention of the hoorid "I TOUCH MYSELF"!

[moonhawk]

Get a clue folks...

IT'S "ELVIRA"!!!!

(Oom Bapa, Oom Bapa Oom Mow Mow...)

[sully777]

Now wait a minnit! Mexican Radio is genius! What is wrong with you people?

This is what I get for taking music criticism from a bunch of conservatives. I bet ya'll never smoked dope when you was young and crazy, 'cause you never was young and crazy, nor danced all night with a stranger under the pale moonlight, neither.

---

It's probably too late to respond but I'll try.

I was writing the words as a response to another's comment. I wrote the words to Comfortably Numb as well. I happen to like both songs. I wasn't making a comment on the song but going with the flow of discussion.

Point about drugs? Don't know what you're point is.

And never end a sentence with "neither". It's awkward.

[sully777]

I nominate "Takin' Care of Business" by Bachmann Turner Overdrive as the most moronic, over-played, over-hyped rock song ever to desecrate a good stereo system.

---

When the Canadian "classic" entered the charts in the 1970's there was a DJ on WPLJ-NYC named Tony Pig. I thought the song was a parody song for the DJ that played it the most. In my mind BTO was saying, "Takin care of Pigsville, everyday. Takin care of Pigsville, everyway."

Who knew how true that statement was, Tony?

[sully777]

Well, I think "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town" must get an exemption because of this line:

If I could move, I'd get my gun, and put her in the ground.
Oh, Ruby, don't take your love to town.

I mean, contemplating homicide to a beat and a tune has to count for something, doesn't it?

---

Okay, Okay.

You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille
400 children
and a crop in the field

I know it's 4 hungry children but everybody sings 400 children

[sully777]

Dizzy...Tommy Roe

---

Extra nominations

Sweet Pea -- Tommy Roe

The Wolfman Song -- Guess Who

PS. Who knew that Tommy Roe hooks would be the dominant beat of 1990's grunge bands? Probably got as far as Tommy Roe in the drum & guitar lesson before the group's song took off to #81 on Billboard.

[Tribune7]

The guy who wrote Convoy founded Mannheim Steamroller.

[Poser]

"Anytime self important professors get put in their place in front of their classes it's a good day."

Stop mocking me. (you read my profile, didn't you?)

I have always suspected that song lyrics and books were usually just stories meant to make money.