James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[alnick]

Okay, another one is Cindy Lauper's She Bop. [shudder]

[jwfiv]

Anything by "The Boss" ranks as the worst rock song ever ... freakin' phony that he is.

[Wampus SC]

The list could go on and on.... but how about
"DOA" by Bloodrock.

[Wampus SC]

"Billy Don't Be a Hero"
"99 Luftballoons"
"One Tin Soldier"
"Fernando"
"Eres Tu"
"Sixteen Little Red Noses and a Horse That Sweats" (yes, that's a song)

And let us not forget "Bring a Little Water", by Los Bravos, "MacArthur Park", and "The Rain, The Park, and Everything".

[dagoofyfoot]

I wish I was in Tijuana,
eatin' bar b qued Iguana...
I'm on the Mexican Radio..

OOOooooOOOO!


I like that song!

[Dan from Michigan]

Free Bird

Now that's blasphemy!

[dagoofyfoot]

Everything and anything from William Shatner and "Ballroom Blitz" from Ummmmm...

I think it's a band called "Sweet"?

[Dan from Michigan]

"A horse with no name" Overplayed, boring, and sounds like Neil Young wannabes.

[Yaelle]

Has anybody mentioned "I am Woman" by Helen Reddy? Truly a masterpiece of garbage.

[Dan from Michigan]

And while on the subject of stupid songs what about "I'm saaaailing away". I blissfully have forgotten who sang it, but they were bad.

That would be Styx. I either like their songs(Renegade, Lady) or hate them(Come Sail Away, Mr. Roboto).

[L.N. Smithee]

With all due respect, 'Muskrat Love' is a great song.

You mean it's a "grate" song, as in, "It makes me want to take the 45 and use a cheese grater on it."

[dagoofyfoot]

some of Queen is QUITE good


I guess I didn't hear those...


I've never heard anything from Queen or Pink Floyd that was anything but awful!

[L.N. Smithee]

"Star Trekkin' Across the Universe"

"Star Trekkin'" by The Firm? That's a great novelty record!

[L.N. Smithee]

How about the one about cannabalism - "Timothy, Timothy, Where On Earth Did You Go"...

FWIW, that was written by Rupert Holmes, who won a Tony Award for his musical version of The Mystery of Edwin Drood...and had a #1 hit with "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)."

[L.N. Smithee]

So many come to mind, but "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro always scored high on the retchometer. In fact, just about anything by Goldsboro pinned the needle on retch.

When I was a kid, one of my fave songs was "Watching Scotty Grow," Goldsboro's other big hit. I was a kid, and it was about a kid.

My mother would leave the radio on one of the "beautiful music" stations (she didn't want us listening to rock and roll). When I listened to the lyrics of "Honey" one insomniac night, I cried. I wondered why someone would want to write such a sad song.

[L.N. Smithee]

The utterly ghastly and horrible "A Different Drum" by that insufferable Linda Rondstat who now, thank the lord, is ugly, fiftyish and weighs about 300 lbs.

I think you have Linda Ronstadt confused with Kirstie Alley.

P.S. Why would you "thank the Lord" that someone is ugly, old, and overweight? What did she ever do to you?

[L.N. Smithee]

Ten Years After - "I'd Love To Change the World"

Everywhere is freaks and hairies
Dykes and fairies, tell me where is sanity
Tax the rich, feed the poor
Till there are no rich no more

You may not like the song, but the first verse is more conservative than anything that you will ever hear again.

[L.N. Smithee]

I damn near literally shake with rage when I hear that lame-ass boomer ode. I'm all primed to beat some hippie ass about then.

Every time I hear that song, I think, "The guy who made the sign was right." The dude is a brat with a bad attitude, and at the end of the song, he didn't have a job or "a dime to pay" at church. Who had the last laugh?

[L.N. Smithee]

These Boots Were Made For Walkin by Nancy Sinatra

I can't hear that song without thinking of how it was used to torture the Branch Davidians in Waco.

[L.N. Smithee]

CASH BOX TOP 100 SINGLES
Week ending January 17, 1976
#1 CONVOY C.W. McCall (MGM 14839)

So by your logic this is a good song since it went number 1

Convoy is a great song! You have to listen to it in context: it was a protest of the national 55 mph speed limit imposed by President Ford, causing truckers to network around state trooper enforcement of the limit using the CB radio.

"Let them truckers roll! 10-4!"