James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[Howlin]

Funny you should bring this up now; I'm buying some music online tonight! So I don't have to have the bad tracks!

[A Jovial Cad]

"Benny and the Jets," hands down, no doubt about it.

[babaloo999]

To make a long story short:
I heard my mama cry. I heard her pray the night Chicago died.

[sully777]

On VH-1's Greatest One Hit Wonders, Question Mark from Question Mark and the Mysterions said the song's original title was 69 Tears.

[King Prout]

hrmn...

last week, had some minor bug, gave me a helluva fever.
when I have a fever, my mind tends to play "music" for me.

motivation to get better FAST, I guess...

spent about a day listening to a layered mix of the Dr. Who theme music (from the good old Tom Baker days, thank the lord) with a curious perversion of the Styxx classic "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" overlaying the whole...

the lyrics had changed, however, to something along the lines of the following:

"Domo arigato, Ricky Ricardo... ... ... LUUUUCY! I say LUCY! Got some SPLAININ'! SPLAININ' SPLAININ'!"

I am SO glad I cannot remember the whole run.

Bad as it was, it was not as bad as the LAST time I ran a fever... *shudder*... Metallica's "Enter Sandman" as performed by a big-band swing ensemble, fronted by Bob Dylan.

GHACK!

[weegee]

That's nothing. My brother had a neighbor in a dorm who's entire record collection consisted of one record: Frank Zappa "Studio Tan". "Grrrregory Peckoryyyyyyyyyy"

[JusPasenThru]

"I am strong,
I am invincible,
I AM WOMAN" /puking all over the floor...

[aloysius89]

"Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show"

My brother had that album and it included a little vinyl 45 that was the two lead guys interviewing one another while seriously under the influence of the ole wacky tabacky. It was certainly more entertaining than the album.

[small voice in the wilderness]

LOL! That's what I'm talkin' about. Songs that make you wish God had never invented ears. Songs that are so bad that they can't be blamed anymore on AM radios for horrible sound quality. I'm talkin' Manfred Mann. AND Donovan. Anyone remember that assclown? I don't remember any songs in particular, I just remember hitting the button as soon as the first Donovan note was sounded.

[weegee]

Well Rudy Martinez (aka Question Mark) has also claimed that his song "Girl You Fascinate Me" was actually titled "Girl You Masturbate Me" (and he will sing it with those words in concert).

[weegee]

?

The ORIGINAL artist with a symbol for his name.

[Tribune7]

Or Goodbye Yellow Brick Road or Rocket Man or just about anything by Elton John.

[King Prout]

eh? the riddler put out an LP?

[dts32041]

The problem with a worse list is it is someone's favorite song.

My favorite worse list is anything by the roaches known as the beetles, superficial and way over blown.

See what i mean, I happen to like macarthur park (i like the surreality of it) in all its permeations and don't ask about minnie ripperton, or for that matter rotary connection or genya ravan.

See one mans terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.

[sully777]

last week, had some minor bug, gave me a helluva fever.
when I have a fever, my mind tends to play "music" for me.

motivation to get better FAST, I guess...

spent about a day listening to a layered mix of the Dr. Who theme music (from the good old Tom Baker days, thank the lord) with a curious perversion of the Styxx classic "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" overlaying the whole...

the lyrics had changed, however, to something along the lines of the following:

"Domo arigato, Ricky Ricardo... ... ... LUUUUCY! I say LUCY! Got some SPLAININ'! SPLAININ' SPLAININ'!"

I am SO glad I cannot remember the whole run.

Bad as it was, it was not as bad as the LAST time I ran a fever... *shudder*... Metallica's "Enter Sandman" as performed by a big-band swing ensemble, fronted by Bob Dylan.

GHACK!

---

When I was a child
I had a fever
My hands felt just like
two balloons
now I've got that fever once again
I cant explain
you would not understand
this is not how I am
I'm...comfortably numb--Comfortably Numb Pink Floyd

[LowOiL]

My brother had a neighbor in a dorm who's entire record collection consisted of one record: Frank Zappa "Studio Tan".

Ouch, that is scarry. That Zappa song "Valley Girl" has to be on the list somewhere too.

[King Prout]

great tune, and appropriat, though I prefer "run like hell" and "good bye, blue sky" from the same album a bit better.

[weegee]

Can anyone explain to me the "Leonard Nimoy for the U.N." protest button that woman is wearing in the video????

[LowOiL]

spent about a day listening to a layered mix of the Dr. Who theme music (from the good old Tom Baker days,

LOL, I had one of those remix versions with a old police car on the front of it, (still have it somewhere in that box of albums), think it was by "The Timelords". I can't stand to listen to it more than once now though.

[weegee]

? and the Mysterians