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What to Do When Women Break Up With You.
mensnewsdaily.com ^ | 1/10/04 | Bernard Chapin

Posted on 01/10/2004 10:48:04 AM PST by gdogdaily

Even legendary heroes must sometimes have to suffer vicious reversals. Disaster does not only befall people like you and I. It has, without exception, marred the lives of all men. General Grant had his Cold Harbor, General Lee had Gettysburg, Churchill had Gallipoli, but for you and I, in less heroic circumstances, it could well be ruination by some young, luscious vixen who, by design or accident, succeeded in acquiring the key to all of our endorphin receptors.

Maybe you went out with her for a month or maybe you saw her for three years, yet, whatever the duration, your time together was drenched with pheromones, saliva, testosterone, fascination and euphoria. On your end, it was love or, at least, love’s very close approximation.

For once, everything in life really was copasetic. Your thoughts of the future affected you like an IV full of cocaine. It didn’t matter what this particular future happened to be. Your hopes could have been either conventional or wildly unconventional.

If you happen to be a chump like me, then your wishes involved getting married and having children. In you’re like my friend Vivo, an idyllic relationship manifests living together and seeing the world. If you’re like my pal Johnny Q-bacca, a personal utopia includes copulations with all of her friends, cousins, and sisters– along with the muscular presence of electrical cables, photographic collections, and homemade videos.

My point is, regardless of the specifics, occasionally you come across a wonderful girl who makes you see a horizon that looks mighty good indeed. She answers all questions.

Then, in the midst of perfection, she suddenly breaks up with you. You, of course, do not see it coming. It’s as if you’re a character in a Loony Toons episode when an anvil descends from the sky. It leavens both you and the skyscraper of expectations you began to construct.

She came to your final meeting bearing plans for another Pearl Harbor while you came bearing admiration and (hopefully not) flowers and presents. It is her vocal chords, in this case, that will deliver the bombs and, when they come, they will be deceptively encased in a tone of honesty and caring that undoubtedly comes right out of a “When it’s Time for Him to Go” episode of Oprah or Jenny Jones.

You may hear, “I just don’t think this is working” or “I want something different than you” or who knows what else. But what difference does her explanation make? Don’t even bother listening. It doesn’t matter what she says. If something like this comes up in conversation then you’re done anyway. It’s over. Now she’s looking for someone else if she hasn’t found him already.

Exactly this happened to Vivo’s lifting partner. His girl broke up with him suddenly and unexpectedly. When she did it, he made the mistake of listening and believing her glossy explanations, so he held her torch for two months thereafter. He even moronically defended her when Vivo and I told him it was time to move on.

One Sunday he went with Vivo and Vivo’s squeeze, Hazel, to the diner across the street for brunch. It happened to be a location that he often frequented with his ex. On the way in he saw her walking out with a guy. They had obviously only recently woken up and for her it was on the wrong side of the new guy’s bed.

She greeted him, “Hey.” When he looked dumbfounded that she was holding some guy’s hand, she snottily informed him, “I live here too. You know this isn’t just a restaurant for you. Get over it.”

Put yourself in his position but this time just say “no.” Don’t listen to a siren’s song. Let her talk and talk…after you leave. A Grimm Fable will be told to you and, due to your feelings for her, you may believe it. This will make you the only person in the world who does.

When she breaks up with you, there are several options. You could try to talk her out of it but that is the stupidest choice of all. In such a scenario, she could become a serial player with you paying her rent. When she’s caught either through visual or DNA evidence, she’ll rationalize her guilt away with: “I told you I wanted to break up but you wouldn’t let me and that’s why I strayed” [and strayed and strayed]. Don’t argue with her. Let her go. This way the public knows that whatever or whoever she’s doing is not a reflection upon you.

Notice that I said “public” here which is unquestionably a red flag for many readers. You may be thinking “what do I care what other people think?” Okay, you’re right…most of the time. I too don’t usually care about societal perceptions but the public embarrassment of her behavior will eventually erode your confidence and turn you into a two foot tall version of your former self.

You could also react to the break up in other deleterious ways. You could go ballistic, you could yell, you could threaten her, even start balling, you could stalk her or even say that you’re going to kill yourself, but none of these options should be considered or enacted.

First, if you did any of that stuff, it would fulfill the fantasies of every radical feminist who ever walked– in their anxious and toothless Cro-Magnon fashion– on the face of this earth. They’d run around telling women who are normally too bright or attractive to acknowledge them, “See! All men are all beasts! Contribute to NOW.” You can’t have that on your conscience.

Second, none of these outrageous actions yield anything more than temporary benefit. Why go to jail over some girl who doesn’t give a damn about you? Why kill yourself for someone who has already began moving her things into Johnny Q-Bacca’s porn shack before she ends things with you? And what good does stalking accomplish? You think she’ll a slut? Now you’ll get proof. Congratulations. No, to hell and damnation with counter-productive acts.

What I’m saying here is that you should be positive. Now, at this moment, when things cannot be any darker, is when you should have a character moment and defend your honor.

What you do after she breaks up with you goes directly into the annals of history. Do not let sterling opportunities for redemption slip away. When you’re down about something else a decade later, you can always reflect back on what you did after some girl gave you the hammer and say to yourself, with Churchillian authority, “That was my finest hour.” It will be and monuments will be built anew after she’s gone.

The method of response I’m about to share applies to women you love, to those you merely like, or even to those whose hips are the only part with which you genuinely enjoy interacting. The method can deployed either on the phone or in person.

The first thing you should do is stare them in eye. Then drain your body of emotion before speaking. This might be easier than you think because you may be in a state of shock at the terrible news she’s issued. On the phone, voice quality is all that’s needed, but, if you are standing or sitting before them, then you should shrug your shoulders and slouch as if your remote control just discovered six consecutive hours of football.

Whatever you do, don’t let your speech roll. You’re not selling anything in the traditional manner. You don’t want to act like a conman. Be deliberate. This will allow your words to resonate as the truth. Talk softly and choppily, as if each word was a short step up a mountain. Then impart:

Gee, that’s too bad…[Look around a bit here] I really enjoyed sleeping with you…I mean, you know, your body’s awesome…[full smile now]…I’ll be sad to see that [insert her most attractive body part here] go…I know I’ll never forget you. I’ll fantasize about you everyday, especially before I go to sleep at night.

That’s it. The effect will be the same as Bret Favre showing up to play Quarterback in the fourth quarter for the local high school team. With those simple sentences you’ve turned a 49-3 route into a 23-20 overtime loss. She, if you do a good job and walk away like a gentlemen, will be outraged and confused about your relationship for the rest of her days. More importantly, you have permanently restored nobility to your house, and have esteem from which to draw upon in future crises.

Think about it, does anybody make movies or write books about the strength of character a person displays after they win the lottery? Absolutely not. They write and film epics concerning how we act under adverse or horrific conditions. That’s what people care about and remember. Who cares how the way in which a person dances after winning the Indiana superball?

Why does my approach work? Because your soon-to-be ex thought you were in love with her and now, just through a short speech at a dire time, you have de-legitimized every kiss, every card, every present, every phone call, every dinner with her relatives, every night with her friends, and every “I love you” that you ever whispered. You responded to her sneak attack with nuclear tipped missiles and your strike will send her sprawling into chaos.

Every single woman, even the nastiest beast on the planet, secretly harbors the fear that men are only interested in them for sexual satisfaction. Now, you have highlighted their fears with a mighty green marker and make them a reality.

You don’t need to argue with her or say anything else. Your merely mentioning her breasts or butt at a time of assumed bereavement is enough to dismantle all the pride she previously generated by thoughts of giving you the heave ho. This was supposed to be your concession speech and it was, but all you conceded was that her physical attributes will be missed.

You, Gawain, are now a hero.

Think about all the terrible things you eliminate by quoting the recommended passage above. She had the tale pre-configured before your meeting began. You were set to go down in her life as just another sucker who wasn’t good enough.

She’d be gaily cranking out the story concerning your termination at every opportunity for the next several decades. She’d tell the way in which you groveled or had a meltdown to her girlfriends, her parents, her co-workers, her husband’s to be, and maybe even some clown that she paid to entertain her kid at his fifth birthday party. The plot would have been ugly and emotion filled. Let’s use the author as an example:

“Bernard was crushed. He really loved me. He was so upset. I don’t know if he was ever right after it was over. Bernard kept going out searching and searching for my replica. Who knows if he found her? I hear him and Dianabol are slowly drinking themselves to death. When will they get smart and move to the suburbs? What empty lives they lead.”

Now, after the little speech when asked about what happened with the affair, she’ll snap,

“I don’t want to talk about Bernard. Don’t ever bring up his name again.”

Now, you have accomplished something that one hundred scheming, pathologically lying, Marxist professors never could; you have completely rewritten history. Who was once a dope is now an enigma. Congratulations.

Of course, this doesn’t actually lessen your pain because you probably did love her and will be demoralized for a short-time by her departure, but she’s not your friend any more and pride must be preserved at all costs. Cry on your pillow, punch the wall, or scream on the veranda, just make sure you do it after she’s gone.

There is no chapter in this book in which I more strongly urge you, as a reader, to follow my advice. As Hillary would say, “in your heart you know Bern’s right.”

bchapafl@hotmail.com


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Culture/Society; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: men; relationships; single; women
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To: IDontLikeToPayTaxes
A female Freeper declared that the trend was that older women are seeking younger men these days, I simply agreed with her

Actually, you did more than agree with that assumption. You chose to make a really disrespectful remark on the subject.

241 posted on 01/11/2004 11:45:27 AM PST by LisaMalia (Buckeye Fan since birth!!)
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To: gdogdaily
bump
242 posted on 01/11/2004 11:50:42 AM PST by VOA
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To: LisaMalia
Actually, you did more than agree with that assumption. You chose to make a really disrespectful remark on the subject.

Another poster asked me to elaborate. The remark wasn't disrespectful, it's pretty much the truth.

243 posted on 01/11/2004 11:54:18 AM PST by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: gdogdaily
Cry on your pillow, punch the wall, or scream on the veranda, just make sure you do it after she’s gone.

Medical/Safety Alert to male readers of this column!

About a decade ago, Esquire Magazine had a short article that (IIRC) was
entitled "Hitting The Wall".

It was a cute (and slightly painful) article about the (generally) testosterone-driven
need to punch a wall.
According to the article, if you experience a common occurence of "hitting the wall"
you run a high risk of appearing at the local emergency room with a broken bone in your hand (behind the middle finger, IIRC).
This is common enough that a nurse and/or doctor is likely to ask you
"So, was this about your girlfriend or wife?"

Although the pain of a broken hand bone and the cost of a medical bill and recuperation
might distract you from the machinations of that perfidious wench...
I do counsel self-control.

Given my experiences in the dating game with TODAY'S American women, I do have
some recommendations.
1. Follow the advice in the article.
2. Get a wife from Japan or The Phillipines or some other foreign destination.
Preferably thorough a trusted intermediary in your faith community.

That sub-sector of my social community is the only one with a 100% "still married" rate
after 10 years of matrimony.
244 posted on 01/11/2004 12:59:53 PM PST by VOA
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To: TheWriterInTexas
He's still my quiet giant, but now, when I primp and preen, he's wise enough to tell
me how desirable I am, and I'm happy to show him how wonderful I think he is.


Great story. And I'm jealously happy for the two of you.

It must be a "failure to communicate"...but some women don't understand a
certain standard that some men hold for "feminine beauty".

Advice to the ladies:
I guess I put it this way: it's the guy who keeps coming around when a lady
ISN'T in the "primp and preen" mode that she should pay attention to.

Advice to the guys:
When she does "primp and preen", it's OK to stare...but for Chri-sakes,
at least mutter an acknowledgement that you've noticed (and are stunned by) the upgrade.
To put it in undersatandable male terms...let her know you're impressed with
the "standard model", and wiped out by the upgrade.


Forgive my Oklahoma farm roots...but I often put my idiosyncratic standard for
feminine beauty this way
"she'd look good to me right after she slopped the hogs".
245 posted on 01/11/2004 1:12:57 PM PST by VOA
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To: VOA
Do NOT be like one guy I knew who put his fist through a window - 32 stiches & he was still alone.

BTW - Filipina wife, we'll be 17 years married on the 17th.
246 posted on 01/11/2004 1:21:22 PM PST by Mr Rogers
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To: IDontLikeToPayTaxes
Guys don't have to put forth much effort to get in their pants, because for the most part, older women are desparate.

I wouldn't say "desperate", more like "reality has set in". Younger women can have fantasies of Prince Charming showing up (or in the modern versions of the story, like "Pretty Woman", having a billionaire investor suddenly recognise their irresistable charms).

Older women have to face reality: if Prince Charming hasn't shown up by 30 (much less 40), it's time to select your best deal from the pool of people who actually have an interest in you.

247 posted on 01/11/2004 1:37:33 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (Nine out of the ten voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today)
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To: goldstategop
Being Dumped... is the worst thing known to Man.

Frankly, I think getting hit in the belly with a couple of rounds of .223 has it beat on the scale of "bad things to happen to you", but in terms of what the average middle-class guy encounters in the US, it's fairly high up

248 posted on 01/11/2004 1:41:05 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (Nine out of the ten voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today)
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To: IDontLikeToPayTaxes
A female Freeper declared that the trend was that older women are seeking younger men these days, I simply agreed with her.

When I was 24 I had a girlfriend who was 39. It was fun for a while: she wanted sex, she wanted it often, and her biological clock had already gotten disconnected so she wasn't pestering me about "where is this relationship going?" -- we were there to have some fun for a while.

At the time, the women I knew in the 20-24 age bracket were looking for guys older and more financially secure than me, so it was a good change of pace

249 posted on 01/11/2004 1:55:00 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (Nine out of the ten voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today)
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To: gdogdaily
It's a 'good piece', but I think the guy overestimates a woman's desire to not be seen as a sex object. If the woman is secure, she'll walk away thinking, 'man, he really did love me', 'he's going to be in agony for weeks to come.'

A lot of women know that sex for many men is another manifestation of their love. I don't think men are much different from women in this regard. A one night stand is very different thing, but for a lot of men who are in love, the sex is 10 times better, and as Percy Sledge says 'he can't hold no other girl.'

A woman always knows when a man is head over heels for her, it's nearly impossible for him to hide. If it were me, and some guy said that while I was breaking up with him, I'd see right through it. That being said though, I would admire his unwillingness to let it crush him. And might walk away second guessing my deicison.

250 posted on 01/11/2004 2:01:07 PM PST by AlbionGirl ("Ha cambiato occhi per la coda.")
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To: VOA
Advice to the ladies: I guess I put it this way: it's the guy who keeps coming around when a lady ISN'T in the "primp and preen" mode that she should pay attention to.

Put another way: I (and many guys like me) are more interested in how a woman makes us feel, than in how well she's made up. A woman who's fun to be with, and displays an interest in keeping her guy happy, is much better company than a Victoria's Secret model who's a neurotic drama queen.

One friend HAD to marry beauty. An insecure, neurotic woman (but very cute), she decided she was a goddess that he must worship. After a few years in Hell, he's getting his divorce at the end of the month.

251 posted on 01/11/2004 2:04:30 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (Nine out of the ten voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today)
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To: SauronOfMordor
I agree with everything you just said :)
252 posted on 01/11/2004 3:00:00 PM PST by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: Ichneumon
He knows I won't ever divorce him, though he's not too sure I won't end up killing him.
253 posted on 01/11/2004 3:14:20 PM PST by stands2reason ("Dean is God's reward to Mr. Bush for doing the right thing in the war on terror." Dick Morris)
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To: SauronOfMordor
Put another way: I (and many guys like me) are more interested in how a woman makes
us feel, than in how well she's made up. A woman who's fun to be with, and displays
an interest in keeping her guy happy, is much better company than a Victoria's
Secret model who's a neurotic drama queen.


You said it better than I did.

It's kind of sad. Somewhere out there are probably four women, "native-born" Americans
that are wondering why they are single or unhappily married...
because they wouldn't give the time of day to my buddies who
"outsourced" for wives in their search for good-decent marriages.

I'm not saying the wife-shoppin' overseas is a panacea...but from my experience,
looking for one VIA a faith community sure has a better batting average than
the domestic/local set-ups.
254 posted on 01/11/2004 4:19:13 PM PST by VOA
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To: IDontLikeToPayTaxes
Obviously, you haven't met any hot 50 year olds : )
255 posted on 01/11/2004 4:57:06 PM PST by DooDahhhh
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To: Lazamataz
Nice dress. You sure do have a purty mouth, too.
256 posted on 01/11/2004 5:19:32 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick (Kaddafi is such a whack job that he never promoted himself past Colonel!)
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To: GretchenEE
"Did he mean, "bawling"?"

Naw, just getting a fast start on the makeup sex.
257 posted on 01/11/2004 6:42:04 PM PST by John Beresford Tipton
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To: DooDahhhh
Obviously, you haven't met any hot 50 year olds : )

Well, I've met one. I would call her "easy" over "hot", but I guess if I was drunk enough, I'd hit it. :)

258 posted on 01/11/2004 8:24:33 PM PST by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: SauronOfMordor
Put another way: I (and many guys like me) are more interested in how a woman makes us feel, than in how well she's made up. A woman who's fun to be with, and displays an interest in keeping her guy happy, is much better company than a Victoria's Secret model who's a neurotic drama queen.

You sir, are very wise. Everything you said is correct.

I've actually dated a Victoria Secrets model before. The sex was amazing. I really can't stress that enough. The sex was amazing. However, the girl was so dumb I could barely have a conversation.

But then again, it was a "relationship" with sex I'll never forget, and I can always brag about dating a Victoria Secrets model. :)

Would I do it again? Bet your ass I would !

259 posted on 01/11/2004 8:44:16 PM PST by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: SauronOfMordor
Put still another way: how much of what she'll "do" for her man would she do anyway?
260 posted on 01/11/2004 8:56:23 PM PST by Woahhs
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