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I know from personal experience exactly what you mean. With me, alcohol. To me it is (was?) like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...at the moment it's great, then the bottom falls out and you hate it with everything in you. Repeat ad infinitum.

How'd you kick? I found my miracle in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.

The wierd thing was, I never ONCE had a good time on cocaine. But back I would go, time and time again, even when I knew it could cost me a marriage and many jobs.

I read recently that ADD sufferers are 50% more likely to become addicted to cocaine. I have a hard-core case of ADD. It makes sense I would be in that 50% enhanced-risk group.

>>How'd you kick?<<

Well...let's say I'm working on it.

One thing that helps me is to be totally transparent and open with everyone around me. Family, pastor, everyone. That way at least I know I'm not isolated.

That was a big step for me. I got tired of feeling rotten and hating myself for being a "hypocrite." I'm sure you found a great relief in NA that you weren't alone.

I never attended AA but won't rule it out. I have heard great things about AA and NA.

I have a strong faith in Jesus Christ and have had for 22 years, but that doesn't mean I can't and haven't failed. I blame this all on myself, not on any failure of the church or God.

To be candid, I am having to fall on my knees and completely surrender to God. I am a "work in progress" at the moment.

But I finally got to the age where I am now looking back on my life and thinking that want to have a little more to show for it that I have now. And I don't mean materially. Words like "honor" "integrity" "character" are really starting to slice at me.

SD