The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In

Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

[Hillary's Folly]

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List

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By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."

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"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."

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8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

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© 1998-2003 Bully Magazine

[WKB]

, are Mormons Christians


NO

[DaGman]

"Where's Detroit?"

I don't understand why Detroit wasn't in at least the top 3. Seems like the biggest tourist attraction in Detroit is watching things burn.

[Porterville]

San Antonio is an excellent town if you are rich enough to enjoy it

[Porterville]

Yes Mormons are Christians.

[KarlInOhio]

whereas those steaming piles Tulsa, San Antonio and Miami are missing.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

[Old Professer]

When I pick trash up along my roads I find that most of it is Natural Light or Busch Beer cans, Mountain Dew Cans, and cigarette boxes

How much are you getting for the cans nowadays?

[bigeasy_70118]

I'm surprised at no mention of New Orleans.

I'm surprised of your ignorance.

Who wouldn't want great weather from October through May. A city that breathes history and green leaves on live oak trees all year around? Furthermore, there's a party every weekend and the best seafood in the country. Yeah living here really sucks.

[carton253]

We aren't in the AFC South... We are in the AFC North... and you are missing the point. We are 6-5... so stop raining on my parade... it's been almost 13 years since we have had winning season.

[Dan from Michigan]

I lived in a Township most of my life. That's where all the conservatives come from and where most of the rural areas are.

I can hunt deer and turkeys and shoot guns in townships. That's more than I can say for the cities.

[WKB]

Not according to the Bible

[Dolphy]

And Flint- and just about any other city I can think of in Michigan. Man, do I hate that place!

You really don't know Michigan at all if Flint is your reference point.

[Diddle E. Squat]

I have to disagree about Houston. Having also traveled extensively(all 48, all western Europe, and about 1/2 the eastern bloc) and lived all over the country, there are plenty of worse places than Houston. No culture, are you kidding? It has a thriving arts community, bigger and more extensive than many metros larger than Houston's. Ever been down to the museum or theater districts?

Of course the weather is horrid, the politics of the city itself are bad(but no worse, and in some ways better, than many central cities of its size), and the more vocal Houstonians seem to have a reflexive defensive 'Marsha, Marsha, Marsha' complex. But still, there are nice places to live in big affordable homes. How about up on the northside, in the forests of Kingwood and The Woodlands, living on the shores of Lake Houston or Lake Conroe?

Seattle is great, but they have their share of ugly pole lines and rows of strip signage, just like Houston. The Northeast has plenty of ugly, polluted industrial areas, too. Houston ain't paradise, but its not a hellhole, either.

[carton253]

The job market is beginning to ease in Cincinnati.

[Mr. Mojo]

Ah, that's good to know. The townships in MI I've passed through are certainly not like your description.

[Diddle E. Squat]

Stop it. There is absolutely no reason to start a Mormon/anti-Mormon fight. Each side has its opinion, which will not be swayed by cheap pot-shots, so don't hijack the thread.

[sean327]

In the small city category, let me introduce Havelock NC. AKA Havenot. This dump sits outside the gate to Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point, where I now have the unfortunate luck to be stationed at the present time. The schools suck, the weather is crappy at best. Good deer hunting, if you like competing with the clowns who run dogs. The reasons this place is horrible are to numerous to list. This place is a "must see for yourself" kinda town.

[aegiscg47]

I'm not Mormon, but I've lived and worked here for 25 years. If you want four seasons, low crime, not much traffic(it's not uncommon here to drive 30 miles to go shopping or for a movie), a place to raise families, and affordable housing, then this is for you. If you're not into religion or if you're looking for wild nightlife, then SLC isn't where you want to be.

[hillyes]

APPARANTLY D.C. HAS BEEN RETIRED WITH "FULL HONORS"

[RANGERAIRBORNE]

San Antonio is an excellent town if you are rich enough to enjoy it

Very true- just don't live on the East Side, the South Side, or the West side- or anywhere near Downtown. Otherwise, it's a GREAT city!

[Sir Charles]

Seattle, with a complete turnover of about 80% of the residents of King County, would be an ideal place to live. As it is, the surrounding areas, where the real people live, are still great. Just don't rely on the automobile.