Posted on 02/14/2002 7:09:10 AM PST by Artie_Kay
When Ellen Metter was a young girl, she didn't go for the baby-doll thing. She dressed her Barbie up as Mary Tyler Moore — a single, urban professional with her own imaginary apartment and fun date nights."She was hip," says Metter, author of the recent humor book Cheerfully Childless. Now Metter, 42, wonders if her young lack of interest in nurturing dolls foreshadowed her adult lack of desire to have children.
Like many women who decide against children, Metter says she questioned her leanings on occasion — either through her own self-exploration or others' prodding questions. When she met her boyfriend a few years ago, she thought she wanted to have kids with him because it seemed like the ultimate expression of their love. But the couple eventually decided against it.
"My boyfriend has great genes, he's handsome, we'd make an adorable child," Metter says. "But then again, Hitler had parents."
Humor has helped Metter communicate with others about a topic she says is misunderstood by a family-oriented culture. "It's not right for me," Metter says. "And if you're like me and never had this visceral attraction to kids then it's probably not right for you either."
Indeed, more people are deciding kids are not for them as the ranks of the childless continue to swell.
Although a government report released this week showed American women having more children than at any time in the last 30 years — in many cases, a good economy made it easier for women to have additional children — more women are also postponing childbearing or foregoing it all together.
Of women ages 40 to 44 years old, near the end of their childbearing years, 19 percent are childless, the U.S. Census Bureau reports — a number almost twice as high as 20 years earlier.
While those statistics include women who would like to have kids or are infertile, more women say they're childless by choice. Nearly 7 million women of childbearing age defined themselves as voluntarily childless in 1995, the latest year available, up from 2.4 in 1982, according to the National Center of Health Statistics.
Shunned and Misunderstood
It's no coincidence that voluntary childlessness is on the rise as women are becoming more educated and eligible for a wide variety of opportunities outside of family life, says Madelyn Cain, author of the book The Childless Revolution.
Childless couples tend to be a more educated and affluent group than their counterparts with kids. With no child-related expenses to shell out, childless couples have more disposable income to spend — 60 percent more on entertainment, 79 percent more on food and 101 percent more on dining out than parents, according to American Demographics magazine.
Despite their growing numbers, many childless individuals and couples complain that they are ignored as a legitimate interest group and consumer class and even shunned by society for their lifestyles.
"We are with childlessness where we were with homosexuality 20 years ago," Cain says. "We always talk about family-friendly America. It is always part and parcel of a politician's package. But the package they're selling doesn't match the general public."
Those who are childless say they get all sorts of unwelcome, and unfair, observations from strangers, family, friends, and co-workers alike. They're told they are: Self-centered, deviant, workaholic, immature, and child-haters.
In reality, Cain said, the reasons people are childless are varied and complex: Some have environmental, religious, medical or professional reasons. For others, it's a matter of happenstance — they didn't meet the right partner or the time just never seemed right.
Child-Free: More Selfless Than Parenting?
Some particularly rabid Web sites devoted to the "child-free," as many like to be called, refer to parents as "breeders" and condemn procreation in general, but they seem to be in a vocal minority. Most who are childless by choice say they respect parents and enjoy children. They just know parenting is not for them.
A lack of understanding about the choice to be childless can be annoying when it comes from acquaintances, and downright devastating when it comes from loved ones, Cain said.
"When your mother says, 'You're gonna regret it,' if that doesn't send a chill through you or wake you in the middle of the night …" says Cain, who interviewed 125 childless women for her book. "Those are terrible things to hold over someone's head."
Lisa Casablanca Simmons, 36, knows what it's like to be poked with questions about the choice she made as a teenager not to have children. Married for 14 years, Simmons said her husband's family first thought she was selfish.
But Simmons sees her decision as rooted in not just honest self-assessment — she thinks she would make a "terrible mom" because she's not very patient — but also selflessness.
"Isn't it selfish to bring an unwanted child into this world?" says Simmons, who lives in Los Angeles. "We're doing right by not bringing an unwanted child into the world."
Finding a Substitute for the PTA
For Kathleen Sartoris, 32, of Queens, N.Y., choosing not to have children also was part of an honest, and in her view necessary, prioritizing of her life.
"I am sure I will miss out if I never have kids, but I know I will miss out on other things if I do," said Sartoris. "It's a tradeoff."
Sartoris and her husband of 10 years travel for work and pleasure, are going back to school, and spend time volunteering. Unlike their friends who have children, Sartoris and her husband also have the freedom to pick up new hobbies and activities and not feel guilty or time-strapped, she said.
"If you have children, you have to consider your child," Sartoris said. "The idea that you can do it all and have it all is a real misconception."
The growing popularity of an international social network for childless individuals and couples, called No Kidding, is further evidence of the increased visibility of the "child-free." No Kidding now has 71 chapters and has a convention set for next month in Las Vegas.
What No Kidding provides is the kind of social networking that many parents find in activities centered on their children, members say.
"PTA, school sports, carpooling. For adults who have children, the children have a huge social network, and are usually a starting point for meeting other adults," says Mitch Greenberg, 41, who organizes events for a Maryland chapter of No Kidding.
The child-free social group fills a social void for nonparents, he said, and helps replace friends who may have lost touch because parenting consumes their time.
At some point, friends who once had many things in common find themselves alienated from one another — even if reluctantly — when they choose different paths when it comes to childbearing. "Those who we lose contact with are usually the people who have children," says Greenberg, who has been married for 15 years. "You no longer have things in common, and they're usually not available to do things," he said.
Along with social isolation, some childless people claim that our family-centered culture can be unfair to them. Some childless workers complain of having to pick up the slack for working parents, or say they are more likely to be expected to work longer hours or weekends.
What's Fair for the Child-Free?
Other complaints from nonparents include watered-down group health insurance packages to compensate for others' young dependents, or the myriad benefits such as unpaid leave, child tax credits or greater 401(k) contributions that are reserved for parents.
Of course, working parents also have complaints about how they're treated in the workplace, and Cain doesn't deny that government and corporate policies can punish both parents and nonparents for the choices they've made.
Parents and nonparents need to start communicating with one another about what is fair, Cain said. Working parents should be able to leave the job if their child is sick, Cain said, but so should childless workers have opportunities to take personal time away for themselves as well.
A compromise could be for companies to offer "personal hours" away from work instead of entire days, so workers could use their hours to fill their personal or family needs without leaving for an entire day, Cain suggests.
But Cain, who has a 16-year-old daughter, born when she was almost 40 years old, said her greatest hope is for people with and without children to understand and accept one another and their lifestyle choices.
"It could have been that I didn't have a child, would it have made me a lesser being? I hope not," Cain said. "Each woman's life should be valued as important for the choices she makes."
As a mom who CONTINUALLY struggles with a teenaged girl, it is not an easy task..
Better to admit it up front than to bring a child into the world knowing it's something you either don't want, or don't feel capable of handling.
Oh, and Happy Valentines Day Bella!!! Ciao.
Neets.
I am married, in my early 30's and childless, by choice, and plan to stay that way. AND I AM ANYTHING BUT LIBERAL.
You're crticizing people who have spent their lives as taxpaying citizens? That's not very nice at all.
As you know Bella, i am the same as you. Say hi to StoneCold for me.
Besides, this goes on in the Protestant world, too, you just won't hear about it on the Anti-Catholic evening news.
StoneCold says hello back.
I've visited nursing homes and talked to many lonely old souls - whose children never come to visit them. Having kids is not necessarily old-age security.
We have been married less than a year and I can definitely feel the social pressure to have children. However we can't help it that we didn't even meet until we were nearly 40. Children may not be in our future and we're willing to accept that and will be happy use our time and money to help others instead. I don't even mind holding the fort when one of my co-workers has to run out on a family emergency. They are all excellent fathers and I'm delighted that they love and cherish their little ones like they do.
I have a hard time believing I'm going to get to heaven and be confronted by an angry mob of my unused eggs. Especially since God hooked me up in middle age with the most wonderful Christian man I could ever imagine, long after I had given up on ever being married (he had given up too for that matter!).
Calif. Family Neglect Case Widens
Thu Feb 14, 7:54 AM ET
By RON HARRIS, Associated Press Writer
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - The leader of a cult-like family who is charged with murder in the apparent starvation death of his 19-month-old son also fathered a daughter who died mysteriously 12 years ago, authorities said.
San Francisco police investigated, but authorities listed the girl's cause of death only as "sudden death in infancy" and said she had no apparent injuries. No criminal charges were filed against Winnfred Wright or the girl's mother, who later left Wright.
The death raised suspicion because the body of the 2-month-old girl was kept at home for three days. The mother told police she didn't immediately report the death "since it takes that length of time for the soul to leave the body," a coroner's report said.
Wright later moved his family from San Francisco to suburban Marin County, where the group grew to four women and 13 children before the 19-month-old boy died in November.
Authorities learned of that death when at least two of the women took the dead boy to a San Rafael hospital. Authorities then discovered that the rest of the children — ranging from 8 months to 16 years — were malnourished and several suffered from rickets, a softened-bone condition rare in the United States since the introduction of vitamin D-fortified milk.
Among those present at the 1990 death was Carol Bremner, one of four women facing charges with Wright of severely neglecting the children, according to a medical examiner's report.
Wright, 45, and Bremner, 44, were part of a living arrangement that also included Deirdre Wilson, 37, Kali Polk-Matthews, 20, and Mary Campbell, 37, whom authorities said was the mother of the boy who died.
Wright, Bremner, Campbell and Wilson each face one count of second-degree murder and multiple counts of involuntary manslaughter and child endangerment. Polk-Matthews, who has no known children of her own, faces one count of involuntary manslaughter and one count of child endangerment. All five were arrested Friday after a grand jury returned an indictment.
They appeared in court Wednesday to enter pleas, but a judge rescheduled the hearing for Feb. 21.
Police asked cult expert Margaret Singer — who analyzed members of Charles Manson's "family" — to interview the dead girl's mother after she fled the group about a year after the child died in June 1990. Singer said Wright used a mixture of charm and psychological coercion to make the women stay.
Singer said the woman told her Wright was attractive because of his strong convictions, which included the promise to "help them work off their white karma." At the time of the 2-month-old's death, several women, all of whom were white, were living with Wright, who is black.
According to the woman, Singer said, Wright told the women in the house that white American men oppressed black men and that they could cleanse themselves "by taking care of him physically, financially, sexually."
Authorities said Wright is unemployed and two of the women had jobs that apparently supported the group.
Bremner's lawyer, Jack Rauch, said his client led a normal life but that the group was secretive because they knew outsiders would frown on their relationships.
"My client has been together with the gentleman for 20 years," Rauch said. "She's raised two happy, healthy teen-age daughters who are very devoted to her."
He also said the kids had rickets because of a strict vegetarian diet.
In the 1990 case, the medical examiner reports determined that the dead girl had been well developed and well nourished. However, the baby had received no medical attention since being born at home. Prosecutors found no evidence of crime, and did not file any charges.
Luckily, when you do have kids, and I hope you do, the stinking diapers will, within the blink of an eye, turn into a child who you wouldn't part with for the powers of King Midas.
Keep smiling,
Philip.
They can also carry the bag and shag balls.
A newborn in my house will do far more damage to my loud ass guitar practice than it will my golf game.
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