THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

The greatest thing about us southerners is our ability to make fun of ourselves. I'm a Texas boy that ended up in Minnesota. I like these Minnesotens, they have this same quality, and they are genuine, no fakes or phoneys (leave out Minneapolis, it don't count). By and large I find that we Texans, and southerners in general, are only separated from true Americans by a common language.

I miss my beloved south, but I have my little yankee, Minnesoten lady to keep me warm.

We went to New Orleans this past June and she was introduced to a part of my culture, and she loved it. We plan on going to my home next year (West Texas). She was worried about going to New Orleans and sounding like a Yankee. I told her that we southerners think a Minnesota accent is cute, we think a New York accent is evil and 'ugly' (as in...don't get ugly!). She is going to love West Texas, and West Texas is going to love her. We went to Baton Rouge to visit my friends there and they had such fun with her and that cute accent she has.

My accent and mannerisms (all southern) don't change up here but they are 'quietened' down a bit, but you get me back to my south and it's 'Red Neck' city. My lady has lived with me for enough time that she can actually understand my southern friends, even when they talk deep south. She's called in as a southern interpreter for patients (this is a long story but it is true, and it only happened once).

I do miss my south but I love my north (just don't discuss 'The War' with Yankees and you'll be fine). I have found people up here (Minnesota) to be exactly like their southern counterparts. Minnesotians hunt, fish, drive pick-ups and four wheelers, but they actually go out and have fun in the winter. Being a southerner, I'm still afraid of the snow, and you can forget walking on an ice covered lake, I don't care how thick it is, only Jesus walked on water and I ain't Him. I'm learning, and these nice people are teaching me. We both have the same attitude, we just talk different.

The Chili Contest---Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Doc, who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge in a chili cook off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards of the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

DOC: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbeque?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbeque flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

DOC: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

DOC: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

DOC: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

DOC: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegitarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

DOC: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally the barmaid.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A medicore chili at best with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

DOC: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My clothes are covered in chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autposy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

DOC:------(Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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