The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In

Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

[Hillary's Folly]

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List

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By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."

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"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."

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8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

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© 1998-2003 Bully Magazine

[LanPB01]

I moved away from Cincinnati shortly before the rioting. I'd love to move back, if only I could find employment.

I'm going to Atlanta next week, and I had a phone interview with a university in Tempe recently (right outside of Phoenix). It looks like I'm about to embark on a whirlwind tour of places this guy considers America's biggest hellholes. Considering what he said about Cincinnati, though, I'm not going to put too much faith in his choices.

[Porterville]

And I thought it was Barstow

[evets]

high five p.s. Best calzone ever: DiPietro's in West View just outside the 'Burgh.

[Hillary's Folly]

East Tennessee is FULL of Christians, and the roads here are LINED with trash.

East Tennessee is also FULL of Busch drinking, cigarette smoking, ignorant rednecks (as is my state) and I bet that's where most of your litter comes from.

When I pick trash up along my roads I find that most of it is Natural Light or Busch Beer cans, Mountain Dew Cans, and cigarette boxes.

[Bikers4Bush]

The most livable city title was based on a survey of rats so I'm not sure if you really want to continue to claim that one.

As for Sun., we expected to lose thanks to Davis and his boneheaded coaching style. Can you say the same about the humiliating beating we gave you earlier in the year?

[Types_with_Fist]

I'm surprised at no mention of New Orleans. Let's forget about the gaudiness, trash and gouging. As a "tourist" city, it's one of the most dangerous. You stand a good chance of being raped, robbed or kidnapped...and that's just with the cops!

[OldFriend]

Good luck in your interviews. Every city has some great sections and other places where one would not venture. Wherever you go, be sure to pick up the local paper to read when you get home.

[Mr. Mojo]

And I thought it was Barstow

Barstow exists for only one reason: To stop for gas on the way to Vegas (from L.A.)

[sean327]

They also omitted El Paso, the Undisputed Armpit of the World.

[Mr. Mojo]

Is El Paso still part of the U.S.?

[Dan from Michigan]

Or Benton Harbor.......

[PISANO]

The ONLY CONSERVATIVE city on the list is SLC. Other than MORMONS, I wonder what is SO BAD about it? Anyone?

[Mr. Mojo]

....or any place followed by the word "Township"

[humblegunner]

Just damn!
Houston didn't even make the list!

[Hillary's Folly]

The ONLY CONSERVATIVE city on the list is SLC. Other than MORMONS, I wonder what is SO BAD about it? Anyone?

First of all, it's not a serious list, so don't take it seriously. Secondly, do they still force watered down beer in Salt Lake? If so, that's good enough reason to make the list.

[sean327]

My son's Pop Warner team could compete in the AFC South

[Pahuanui]

The author is a tool.

Seattle and LA are fine, whereas those steaming piles Tulsa, San Antonio and Miami are missing.

[redhead]

"But the author left out Anchorage, whose motto is "We're Not Really Alaska, But You Can Get There From Here!"

LOL! Yep. In the words of a little nun who made the word "party" sound like "potty," when she arrived in Anchorage: "What the hell? If I'd wanted a big city, I'd have stayed in Rhode Island!"

[Dan from Michigan]

Detroit is more lib than even Philly.

94% of Detroiters voted for Gore.

[Porterville]

I always say I rather be poor in Pismo then rich in Barstow.