The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In

Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

[Hillary's Folly]

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List

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By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."

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"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."

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8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

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© 1998-2003 Bully Magazine

[gracex7]

Detroit was retired from the list as undisputed champ. (And I say this as someone who still has a great deal of affection for the good points of the city)

I think the problem is the proximity to Toledo (hahaha)!

[Pietro]

"Pittspuke"

LOL, spoken like a true clevelander. younz just don't get it; it ain't just Pittsburgh that thinks younz are a bunch of skuzz balls--it's the entire freakin' country!

And just to p*ss you off a little more; remember Pittsburgh was voted "most livable City" several years ago, and we've had about ten national sports titles more than cleveland has in the last fifty years, oh yeah and the Steelers played their worst game of the season on Sun. (and that's saying something) and still beat the skidmarks in cleveland.

LMAOOL

[SamAdams76]

Maybe this city isn't big enough to make a list like this but the worst city I've ever stayed in (no offense intended to Iowans) was Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Now that is a nowhere, nothing happening kind of place. I stayed there for three weeks attending a technical school at Rockwell International (military aviation radio equipment) in 1982 while I was in the Marines.

It was a nice break from military life but there was absolutely nothing to do there. Bars were mostly empty, with a few regulars who weren't friendly to strangers. The sidewalks got rolled up at 7PM, or at least it seemed like it. It was also in the dead of winter so it was brutally cold, even for one who was born and raised in New England. Restaurants served up mostly bland food. Their idea of "spicy" food was to throw pepper and salt on it. We went to a Mexican restaurant and they used Cheez Whiz on the nachos and watered down Campbell's tomato soup for their chili. About the only thing we did was hang out at the mall or hang out at the Best Western lounge (where we stayed) where we were often the only ones there. All the rock stations in town played endless Journey, Styx and Men At Work (it was 1982). It was a pretty lifeless place. Don't know how anybody stayed in business in that town.

I agree with Seattle being a lousy place to live. But they didn't even mention the weather, which is cloudy and rainy about 70% of the time. A drab and dreary place to be sure.

Best big cities to live in are Boston and New York - if you can afford to live there. I'll get a lot of flack for that but that's how I feel. Best small cities I have stayed in are Burlington, Vermont and Huntsville, Alabama. Wouldn't mind living in either of those two places.

[Ditter]

I am glad to hear this because my nextdoor neighbors are moving to Salt Lake City soon. They are nice people.

[Enterprise]

This is highly insulting. Can't they make room for Fresno in there?

[StolarStorm]

How could Houston not be on any list of worst cities to live in? Hot, humid, smelly, very very polluted, congested, very little culture, generica (too many chain resturants and identical strip shoping malls, torn up downtown streets, abundence of out of shape residents, poor political landscape (Lee Brown and nex Bill White), few public parks... and so forth. Yeah, I live here in Houston (for now) but as I travel extensively I've seen a lot of other places and Houston is without a doubt one of the worst.

[carton253]

I agree about Cincinnati. I love living here. It's a great city. The preception of Cincinnati is false.

And the Bengals are 6-5 and tied for first in the AFC North!

[bigeasy_70118]

Milwaukee belongs in the top ten as well.

[yarddog]

I am not Morman but think I would love living in an area with lots of them. Don't know for sure tho.

I remember quite a few years ago Rand McNally did a list of the worst places in the US to live and Dothan, Alabama was listed as one of the worst.

I lived in Dothan for about 6 years and thought it was one of the most pleasant towns I have ever lived in. When I saw the list of items Rand McNally used to rate them I realized most of them were relatively unimportant. Such things as nearness to major league sports, Arts etc.

They didn't seem to care about such things as cost of living, taxes, cleanliness, etc.

[Hillary's Folly]

Best small cities I have stayed in are Burlington, Vermont and Huntsville, Alabama. Wouldn't mind living in either of those two places.

Agreed, Huntsville is a little gem located at the base of the Appalachian foothills with a great climate, but no nightlife and lots of Christians, so probably wouldn't do well on this list.

[who knows what evil?]

At least all the Christians keep their streets relatively clean.

I wish it worked that way. East Tennessee is FULL of Christians, and the roads here are LINED with trash.

[Mr. Mojo]

How about D.C.?

[bonfire]

I make sure to say at least once a week to my husband "I HATE Houston", just in case he EVER gets it into his head to relocate.

[TrappedInLiberalHell]

I agree on Hartford. Other than working there, which I had to do for a few years, I can't think of a single compelling reason to go there.

[kidd]

Worst American cities:
10. San Francisco, CA (too liberal)
9. Toledo, OH (boring)
8. Hartford, CT (boring)
7. Albany, NY (boring and run-down)
6. Bridgeport, CT (boring and run-down)
5. Philadelphia, PA (very liberal and run-down)
4. Detroit, MI (very run down)
3. Newark, NJ (very run down, boring and liberal)
2. Camden, NJ (the American Calcutta)
1. Gary, IN (America's arm pit)

Cleveland doesn't make the list (I lived there - there are worse places). Neither does Cincinnati (never been there). Salt Lake City wouldn't even be close to being on the list - conservative, great skiing, well-kept town.

[kidd]

I live near Hartford. America's file cabinet. I don't know why I'm here either :)

[Richard Kimball]

Any city in Texas is AWFUL!!!!! Crime, earthquakes, Tsunamis, you name it. People from up north move down here and HATE it. For some reason, they never leave, though. They keep telling us how much more civilized some place called Nyawk is. Anyway, if you're from north of the Red River, take my word for it. You'd hate Texas.

[OldFriend]

Hah, they wouldn't dare name Newark as one of the top TEN WORST cities.

[anoldafvet]

No, Mormons are not Christians. Their only use for the bible is to "prove" the legitimacy of the Book of Mormon. I lived in Salt Lake for 9 years and it is one of the best cities in the country. You have to learn how to ignore the prevailing religion and you definitely get stronger in your own faith. I would go back "In a New York Minute".

[Diddle E. Squat]

Stupid list(I assume it is speaking about the metro areas, rather than the specific city. Cincinnati is fantastic, so is Atlanta, Salt Lake and Cleveland have many pleasant places to live. Heck, I even loved the Little Rock area(good scenery, balanced weather, a home in the wooded hills is affordable enough and within a relatively easy commute that homeschooling is affordable)

About the only places I wouldn't live in are:

Youngstown, OH
Brownsville-Harlingen-McAllen, TX
Flint, MI
San Francisco city
Louisiana