The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In

Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

[Hillary's Folly]

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List

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By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."

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"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."

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8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

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© 1998-2003 Bully Magazine

[luckystarmom]

If you really want to piss off San Franciscans, then say you like living in San Jose.

[colorado tanker]

I think Detroit has been abandoned.

[Desdemona]

Hey, they didn't look past the riverfront. And Joe Buck lives here, too.

Honestly, I'm glad for little lists like this. It keeps St. Louis a secret.

[New Horizon]

What? Detroit's on the way up, dude.

In another century or so it'll be the place to be. You just wait and see.

[Sloth]

There is no such thing as a good city to live in.

BUMP

[luckystarmom]

Austin and San Antonio are really, really nice. Austin is a bit liberal, but it's a lot of fun.

I live in California now, but I grew up in Dallas. I don't like Houston at all, I only like Dallas because it's where I grew up, but San Antonia and Austin are just great.

[E Rocc]

No Newark, No Det-riot, no Pittspuke, no Portland.....it's a pretty good clue as to the nature of the writer. Cleveland's not for everyone and if you're a mincing "metrosexual" that's intrigued by the gay lifestyle though not quite intrigued enough to actually take a [CENSORED, CENSORED, CENSORED!!], it's probably not for you. (Of course if you've decided to actually "take the plunge", there's always Lakewood, Ann Arbor, or Pittsburgh).

This behindlicking interview of Darling-of-the-DUmbclintons Greg Palast (Warning...Projectile Barf Alert) and this neo-snobbish apologia for the Health Fascists. tells us all we really need to know about Kenny Boy.

-Eric

[E Rocc]

oh yeah and the Steelers played their worst game of the season on Sun.

Sunday night that is, a few weeks ago. At least we kept it close. >:)

-Eric

[NeoCaveman]

Whoa this author is a major league Clymer and health nazi. I'd like to my cigarette out on his pointy head.

[Allegra]

Hey, ya got a link to a picture of that Texans promo with Barbara Bush and those football black lines under her eyes?

I loved those billboards. They said "Got Tickets?" I wish I did know where to get a jpeg of that.

I saw George and Bar at the Texans game vs. Carolina last month. We saw them at most of the games last year, but they've only been to two this year so far. We like to look through our binoculars into the owner's box and spy on 'em for a few minutes.

[RightOnline]

Moved to Huntsville in '70.....completed high school there; left in '73. My whole family has stayed in that area. Even moved back there for a year for work-related stuff some years ago. Very nice place, but overpriced and more than a bit on the dull side. Still..........nice folks, pretty country. Wouldn't mind going back.

Most don't realize what a high-tech area Huntsville is. Sort of a well-kept secret.:)

[nicksaunt]

That was so sweet, you made my day! I love Tony Bennett.

[Grammy]

"Hey! Cleveland Rocks!"

Only to Drew Carey 8-)

[Grammy]

Don't forget Ithaca, the city of Evil.

[Chu Gary]

I don't understand the author's point of view. I agree with some of his picks for lousy places but know for a fact that Cincinnati and Phoenix are both great places. Cincinnati has a 5 star restaurant (La Maisonnette) that has been 5 star for 40 consecutive years! I agree with other posters that Detroit should be at the top of the list; where the heck is Buffalo? Portland is a real pain also due to its way too liberal attitude. Omaha is rapidly moving upward on the violence list, real unsafe for white folk. Minneapolis belongs on his list as does Des Moines. Still, an interesting article.

[Eala]

Was in Seattle in August and the dearth of American flags was appalling. Good enough reason to have it on a list like this.

Agreed... but you should have come out to Seattle's Eastside. Neighbor across the street and I have the entrance to our cul-de-sac flanked with American flags -- 24 hours/day, lights at night.

[Chu Gary]

"..and Houston is without a doubt one of the worst."

Take heart SS, think on the bright side. You're close to the gulf. You get great oysters and shrimp. You have Pappadeaux in town. And remember...hurricane parties!

[anncoulteriscool]

Cincinnati sounds pretty good to me!!!

[anncoulteriscool]

There was a report on the news today that 4 out 5 drivers in Atlanta drives over 70 mph. Which is probably true. They drive like crazed maniacs here.

[Chu Gary]

"Any city in Texas is AWFUL!!!!! Crime, earthquakes, Tsunamis, you name it. People from up north move down here and HATE it."

A good effort Mr. Kimball but I think they'll see thru it. I thought about TX but chose to re-locate to FL's gulf coast instead due to the relative lack of person-icanes.

By the way, did you ever find the one armed man?