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The FReeper Foxhole Profiles Sam Houston - Dec. 22nd, 2003
www.tsha.utexas.edu ^ | Thomas H. Kreneck

Posted on 12/22/2003 12:00:09 AM PST by SAMWolf



Lord,

Keep our Troops forever in Your care

Give them victory over the enemy...

Grant them a safe and swift return...

Bless those who mourn the lost.
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FReepers from the Foxhole join in prayer
for all those serving their country at this time.


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U.S. Military History, Current Events and Veterans Issues

Where Duty, Honor and Country
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Our Mission:

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Samuel Houston
(1793-1863)

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Sam Houston is the only man in U.S. history to serve as a teacher, soldier, shop keeper, lawyer, Indian Agent, Congressman, General, President, and was the 7th Governor of both Tennessee and Texas.


Sam Houston, one of the most illustrious political figures of Texas, was born on March 2, 1793, the fifth child (and fifth son) of Samuel and Elizabeth (Paxton) Houston, on their plantation in sight of Timber Ridge Church, Rockbridge County, Virginia. He was of Scots-Irish ancestry and reared Presbyterian. He acquired rudimentary education during his boyhood by attending a local school for no more than six months. When he was thirteen years old, his father died; some months later, in the spring of 1807, he emigrated with his mother, five brothers, and three sisters to Blount County in Eastern Tennessee, where the family established a farm near Maryville on a tributary of Baker's Creek. Houston went to a nearby academy for a time and reportedly fed his fertile imagination by reading classical literature, especially the Iliad.



Rebelling at his older brothers' attempts to make him work on the farm and in the family's store in Maryville, Houston ran away from home as an adolescent in 1809 to dwell among the Cherokees, who lived across the Tennessee River. Between intermittent visits to Maryville, he sojourned for three years with the band of Chief Oolooteka, who adopted him and gave him the Indian name Colonneh, or "the Raven." Houston viewed Oolooteka as his "Indian Father" and the Cherokees much as a surrogate family. He henceforth maintained great sympathy toward Indians.

At age eighteen he left the Cherokees to set up a school, so that he could earn money to repay debts. After war broke out with the British, he joined the United States Army as a twenty-year-old private, on March 24, 1813. Within four months he received a promotion to ensign of the infantry; in late December he was given a commission as a third lieutenant. As part of Andrew Jackson's army, he fought at the battle of Horseshoe Bend on the Tallapoosa River on March 26, 1814. During the engagement he received three near-fatal wounds. One of them, from a rifle ball in his right shoulder, never completely healed. For his valor at Horseshoe Bend, Houston won the attention of General Jackson, who thereafter became his benefactor. Houston, in return, revered Jackson and became a staunch Jacksonian Democrat.

While convalescing, he was promoted to second lieutenant and traveled extensively-to Washington, New Orleans, New York, and points between. While stationed in Nashville, he was detailed in late 1817 as sub-Indian agent to the Cherokees. In that capacity, he assisted Oolooteka and his clan in their removal to Indian Territory west of the Mississippi River, as stipulated by the Treaty of 1816. Houston, by then first lieutenant, resigned from the army on March 1, 1818, and shortly thereafter from his position as subagent, following difficulties with Secretary of War John C. Calhoun.


Portrait of Sam Houston, by J. C. Buttre, 1858, after a daguerreotype by B. P. Paige (n.d.).
Senator Sam Houston


Still in poor health, Houston read law in Nashville for six months during 1818 in the office of Judge James Trimble. He subsequently opened a law practice in Lebanon, Tennessee. With Jackson's endorsement, he became adjutant general (with the rank of colonel) of the state militia through appointment by Governor Joseph McMinn. In late 1818, Houston was elected attorney general (prosecuting attorney) of the District of Nashville, where he took up residence. After returning to private practice in Nashville by late 1821, he was elected major general of the state militia by his fellow officers. He was likewise prominent in the Nash Masonic order by the early 1820s.

Houston's rapid rise in public office continued in 1823, when, as a member of Jackson's political circle, he was elected to the United States House of Representatives from the Ninth Tennessee District. As a member of Congress, he worked mightily, though unsuccessfully, for the election of Andrew Jackson to the presidency in 1824. In 1825 he was returned to Congress for a second and final term. In 1827, ever the Jackson protégé, Houston was elected governor of Tennessee. He was thirty-four years of age, extremely ambitious, and in the thick of tumultuous Tennessee politics. Standing six feet two inches tall and handsome, he cut a dashing figure wherever he went.



On January 22, 1829, he married nineteen-year-old Eliza Allen of Gallatin, Tennessee. Houston subsequently announced his bid for reelection to the governorship. After eleven weeks and amid much mystery, the marriage ended. Eliza returned to her parents' home. Extremely distraught, Houston abruptly resigned from his office on April 16 and fled west across the Mississippi River to Indian Territory. Both parties maintained a lifelong silence about the affair. Houston's exit brought the Tennessee phase of his career to an end. As a possible heir apparent to Andrew Jackson, he may well have given up an opportunity to run eventually for president of the United States.

He made his way to the lodge of Oolooteka in what is now day Oklahoma to live once again in self-imposed exile among the Cherokees, this time for three years. Among the Indians he tried to reestablish his tranquility. He dressed Indian-style and, although he corresponded with Andrew Jackson, initially secluded himself from contacts with white society. Initially, too, he drank so heavily that he reportedly earned the nickname "Big Drunk." He quickly became active in Indian affairs, especially in helping to keep peace between the various tribes in Indian Territory. He was granted Cherokee citizenship and often acted as a tribal emissary. Under Cherokee law, he married Diana Rogers Gentry, an Indian woman of mixed blood. Together, they established a residence and trading post called Wigwam Neosho on the Neosho River near Fort Gibson.


Legend has it that the Sam Houston Statue in Hermann Park is pointing to the San Jacinto Battleground.


Gradually reinvolving himself in the white world, he made various trips East-to Tennessee, Washington, and New York. In December 1831, while on the Arkansas River, Houston encountered Alexis de Tocqueville, the latter on his famous travels in the United States. Houston impressed the Frenchman as an individual of great physical and moral energy, the universal American in perpetual motion; Houston undoubtedly served as an example for Tocqueville's composite description of the "nervous American," the man-on-the-make so pervasive in the United States during the Age of Jackson.

On the evening of April 13, 1832, on the streets of Washington, Houston thrashed William Stanbery, United States representative from Ohio, with a hickory cane. The assault resulted from a perceived insult by Stanbery over an Indian rations contract. Houston was soon arrested and tried before the House of Representatives. Francis Scott Key served as his attorney. The month-long proceedings ended in an official reprimand and a fine, but the affair catapulted Houston back into the political arena.

Leaving Diana and his life among the Indians, Houston crossed the Red River into Mexican Texas on December 2, 1832, and began another, perhaps the most important, phase of his career. His "true motives" for entering Texas have been the source of much speculation. Whether he did so simply as a land speculator, as an agent provocateur for American expansion intent on wresting Texas from Mexico, or as someone scheming to establish an independent nation, Houston saw Texas as his "land of promise." For him, it represented a place for bold enterprise, rife with political and financial opportunity.


"Houston's Address To His Army," from The Devil's Comical Oldmanick, 1837. With Comic Engravings of All the Principal Events of Texas. New York: Fisher & Turner [1836]. Texas Collection Library

In a cartoon typical of the cheap comic printing that enjoyed great popularity in the United States from the 1830s through the 1860s, General Houston addressed his army as follows: “Soldiers, there is the enemy—do you want to fight?” “Yes,” “Well, then,” “Let us eat our dinners and then I will lead you into the battle.”


He quickly became embroiled in the Anglo-Texans' politics of rebellion. He served as a delegate from Nacogdoches at the Convention of 1833 in San Felipe, where he sided with the more radical faction under the leadership of William H. Wharton. He also pursued a law practice in Nacogdoches and filed for a divorce from Eliza, which was finally granted in 1837. As prescribed by Mexican law, he was baptized into the Catholic Church, under the name Samuel Pablo. In September 1835 he chaired a mass meeting in Nacogdoches to consider the possibility of convening a consultation. By October, Houston had expressed his belief that war between Texas and the central government was inevitable. That month he became commander in chief of troops for the Department of Nacogdoches and called for volunteers to begin the "work of liberty." He served as a delegate from Nacogdoches to the Consultation of 1835, which deliberated in Columbia in October and at San Felipe in November. On November 12 the Consultation appointed Houston Major General of the Texas army.

During February 1836, Houston and John Forbes, as commissioners for the provisional government, negotiated a treaty with the Cherokee Indians in East Texas, thus strategically establishing peace on that front. In March, Houston served as a delegate from Refugio to the convention at Washington-on-the-Brazos, where, on his birthday, March 2, the assembly adopted the Texas Declaration of Independence. Two days later Houston received the appointment of major general of the army from the convention, with instructions to organize the republic's military forces.

After joining his army in Gonzales, Houston and his troops retreated eastward as the Mexican army under Gen. Antonio López de Santa Anna swept across Texas. This campaign caused Houston much anguish because the Texan rebels suffered from a general lack of discipline. He likewise fretted when the citizenry fled in the so-called Runaway Scrape. Despite these problems, Houston and his men defeated Santa Anna's forces at the decisive battle of San Jacinto on the afternoon of April 21, 1836. During this engagement, his horse, Saracen, was shot beneath him, and Houston was wounded severely just above the right ankle. The capture of Santa Anna the next day made the victory complete. At San Jacinto, Sam Houston became forever enshrined as a member of the pantheon of Texas heroes and a symbol for the age.



Riding the wave of popularity as "Old Sam Jacinto," Houston became the first regularly elected president of the Republic of Texas, defeating Stephen F. Austin. During his two presidential terms he successfully guided the new ship of state through many trials and tribulations. His first term lasted from October 22, 1836, to December 10, 1838. The town of Houston was founded in 1836, named in his honor, and served as the capital of the republic during most of his first administration. During this term Houston sought to demilitarize Texas by cannily furloughing much of the army. He also tried, with limited success, to avoid trouble between white settlers and Indians. One of his biggest crises came with the Córdova Rebellion, an unsuccessful revolt in 1838 by a group of Kickapoo Indians and Mexican residents along the Angelina River. In late 1836, Houston sent Santa Anna, then a prisoner of war, to Washington to seek the annexation of Texas to the United States. Although Houston favored annexation, his initial efforts to bring Texas into the Union proved futile, and he formally withdrew the offer by the end of his first term.

After leaving office because the Constitution of the Republic of Texas barred a president from succeeding himself, Houston served in the Texas House of Representatives as a congressman from San Augustine from 1839 to 1841. He was in the forefront of the opposition to President Mirabeau B. Lamar, who had been Houston's vice president. Houston particularly criticized Lamar's expansionist tendencies and harsh measures toward the Indians.

On May 9, 1840, Houston married twenty-one-year-old Margaret Moffette Lea of Marion, Alabama. A strict Baptist, Margaret served as a restraining influence on her husband and especially bridled his drinking. They had eight children: Sam Houston, Jr., (1843), Nancy Elizabeth (1846), Margaret (1848), Mary William (1850), Antoinette Power (1852), Andrew Jackson Houston (1854), William Rogers (1858), and Temple Lea Houston (1860).


The Republic of Texas Capitol


Houston succeeded Lamar to a second term as president from December 12, 1841, to December 9, 1844. During this administration, Houston stressed financial austerity and drastically reduced government offices and salaries. He and the Congress even tried to sell the four-ship Texas Navy, an effort forcibly prevented by the people of Galveston. Houston reestablished peace with the Indians by making treaties with the bands that still remained in Texas. Although many Texans clamored for action, President Houston deftly managed to avoid war with Mexico after the two Mexican invasions of 1842. After the first incursion Houston directed that the government archives be moved from Austin, an order that ultimately resulted in the "Archive War," in which residents of Austin forcibly prevented removal of the files. After the second invasion Houston authorized a force under Gen. Alexander Somervell to pursue the enemy to the Rio Grande and, if conditions warranted, to attack Mexico. Part of Somervell's legion became the disastrous Mier expedition, an escapade that Houston opposed. In 1843 Houston approved of the abortive Snively expedition, which sought to interdict trade along the Santa Fe Trail. In 1844 Houston found it necessary to send the militia to quell the Regulator-Moderator War in Shelby County, an East Texas feud that presented one of the most vexing problems of his second administration. Houston was succeeded to the presidency by Anson Jones, whom the electorate viewed as a "Houston man." Sam Houston's name had become synonymous with Texas. Indeed, Texas politics during the republic had been characterized by a struggle between Houston and anti-Houston factions.

When Texas joined the union, Houston became one of its two United States senators, along with Thomas Jefferson Rusk (see SENATORS). Houston served in the Senate from February 21, 1846, until March 4, 1859. Beginning with the 1848 election, he was mentioned as a possible candidate for president. He even had a biography published in 1846 by Charles Edwards Lester entitled Sam Houston and His Republic, which amounted to campaign publicity. As senator, Houston emerged as an ardent Unionist, true to his association with Andrew Jackson, a stand that made him an increasingly controversial figure. He stridently opposed the rising sectionalism of the antebellum period and delivered eloquent speeches on the issue. A supporter of the 1820 Missouri Compromise, which banned slavery north of latitude 36°30', Houston voted in 1848 for the Oregon Bill prohibiting the "peculiar institution" in that territory, a vote proslavery Southerners later held against him. Although he was a slaveowner who defended slavery in the South, Houston again clashed with his old nemesis who led the proslavery forces when he opposed John C. Calhoun's Southern Address in 1849.


ANDREW JACKSON HOUSTON (1854-1941)


Houston always characterized himself as a Southern man for the Union and opposed any threats of disunity, whether from Northern or Southern agitators. He incurred the permanent wrath of proslavery elements by supporting the Compromise of 1850, a series of measures designed to ensure sectional harmony. In 1854, Houston alienated Democrats in Texas and the South even further by opposing the Kansas-Nebraska Bill because it allowed the status of slavery to be determined by popular sovereignty, a concept he saw as potentially destabilizing to the nation. He likewise embraced the principles of the American (Know-Nothing) party as a response to growing states'-rights sentiment among the Democrats. In 1854, he joined the Baptist Church, no doubt in partial response to the troubles of this period of his life. His career in the Senate was effectively ended when, in 1855, the Texas legislature officially condemned his position on the Kansas-Nebraska Act.

As a lame-duck senator, Houston ran for governor of Texas in 1857. He was defeated in a rigorous campaign by the state Democratic party's official nominee, Hardin R. Runnels. Predictably, the state legislature did not reelect Houston to the Senate; instead, in late 1857, it replaced him with John Hemphill. The replacement took place at the end of Houston's term, in 1859. So concerned was Houston about sectional strife that during his final year in the Senate he advocated establishing a protectorate over Mexico and Central America as a way to bring unity to the United States.

Out of the Senate, Houston ran a second time for governor in 1859. Because of his name recognition, a temporary lull in the sectional conflict, and other factors, he defeated the incumbent, Runnels, in the August election and assumed office on December 21. As governor he continued to pursue his fanciful plans for a protectorate over Mexico, and envisioned the use of Texas Rangers and volunteers to accomplish that end. He likewise tried to enlist the aid of Robert E. Lee, Benjamin McCulloch,q and some New York financiers for his scheme. Because of his staunch Unionism, Houston was nearly nominated for the presidency in May 1860 by the National Union party convention in Baltimore, but narrowly lost to John Bell. His possible candidacy received favorable mention by people in many regions of the nation who longed to prevent sectional strife.


Senator Sam Houston


When Abraham Lincoln was elected president of the United States, the clamor of discontent in Texas prompted Houston to call a special session of the state legislature. Adamantly opposed to secession, Houston warned Texans that civil war would result in a Northern victory and destruction of the South, a prophecy that was borne out by future events. The Secession Convention, however, convened a week later and began a series of actions that withdrew Texas from the Union; Houston acquiesced to these events rather than bring civil strife and bloodshed to his beloved state. But when he refused to take the oath of loyalty to the newly formed Confederate States of America, the Texas convention removed him from office on March 16 and replaced him with Lieutenant Governor Edward Clark two days later. Reportedly, during these traumatic days President Lincoln twice offered Houston the use of federal troops to keep him in office and Texas in the Union, offers that Houston declined, again to avoid making Texas a scene of violence. Instead, the Raven-now sixty-eight years of age, weary, with a family of small children, and recognizing the inevitable-again chose exile.

After leaving the Governor's Mansion, Houston at least verbally supported the Southern cause. Against his father's advice, Sam, Jr., eagerly joined the Confederate Army and was wounded at the battle of Shiloh. Houston moved his wife and other children in the fall of 1862 to Huntsville, where they rented a two-story residence known as the Steamboat House, so called because it resembled a riverboat. Rumors abounded that Houston, though ailing and aged, harbored plans to run again for governor. But on July 26, 1863, after being ill for several weeks, he died in the downstairs bedroom of the Steamboat House, succumbing to pneumonia at age seventy. Dressed in Masonic ceremonial trappings, he was buried in Oakwood Cemetery at Huntsville



TOPICS: VetsCoR
KEYWORDS: biography; confederacy; freeperfoxhole; republicoftexas; samhouston; sanjacinto; texas; veterans
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To: SAMWolf
LOL. Yikes... I think I'll head for home now. ;-)
121 posted on 12/22/2003 1:59:49 PM PST by snippy_about_it (Fall in --> The FReeper Foxhole. America's History. America's Soul.)
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To: SAMWolf
You even hit on the name for the threads "treadhead tuesday". So far I've got the M1, Sherman, T-24, and some of the German WWII tanks. I'm looking at the Stuart, Grant, M-60, Sheridan, Leopard, Mekava, Churchill and some of the modern Soviet Tanks.

I've crewed in Shermans, in the Vietnam era M48 and M551 Sheridan, and even the M41 light tank used by the Vietnamese. I've spent some time around M24s [sometimes called *Walkers*] and M3 and M5 Stuarts/Grants/Lees and the M8 and M20 armored cars in foreign service; likewise I've spent a bit of time in the Russian T55, grandson of the venerable T-34 *Scaup*. I've neverhad firsthand dealings with the Soviet IS-1 to IS-10 *Stalin* series, but I know those who did, and didn'tr care for them a bit.

The M1A1 came a bit after my time, but I've fired 4 rounds from the 120mm gun versions and scored 4 hits. I went through the tank gunnery *Table 8* exercise* in a earlier M1 tank with the older M68 105mm gun and scored better than I ever did in an M48 or M60- and I was very good in an M60A1.

Don't overlook Great Britain's Centurion, which the Israelis took to war in 1956, '67 and '73, and which the Australians used very effectively in Vietnam. Likewise the British WWII Comet and Matilda are worthy of note, as are the D-Day *Funnies*, and the current Challenger II that served the Brits alongside us in Iraq deserves notice.

Oh, and dont forget the earliest of British tanks, which gave the vehicles their very name, and their German A7V.

I'd include the WWII M3 Lee as well, the tank destroyer *substitutes* of WWII, and the histories of some of the various tank divisions and smaller orginazational units as well.


122 posted on 12/22/2003 2:02:34 PM PST by archy (Angiloj! Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj!)
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To: SAMWolf
I didn't have to know that :)
123 posted on 12/22/2003 2:15:04 PM PST by Colonel_Flagg (For the one who knows.)
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To: SAMWolf
Why? Are you big?

No, but I'm sweet. My friends call me sweet Victoria.



124 posted on 12/22/2003 2:25:39 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul (Freedom isn't won by soundbites but by the unyielding determination and sacrifice given in its cause)
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To: archy
Well, Texas wants you anyways.

Thank you very much.

Al my ex's live in Texas…


125 posted on 12/22/2003 2:28:06 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul (Freedom isn't won by soundbites but by the unyielding determination and sacrifice given in its cause)
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To: SAMWolf; All
Morning Radu. First in again.

I ain't eatin' no worms! LOL!!!

Be back in a bit. Hubby wants to do some last-minute shopping but I wanted to stop in first.....while folks are awake. LOL!!
*HUGZ* all 'round.

126 posted on 12/22/2003 2:36:00 PM PST by radu (May God watch over our troops and keep them safe)
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To: archy
The Walker Bulldog and Chaffe, how could I forget those!!

I was thinking of the Centurian Miltilda. The first tanks would definately be covered.

Snippy is working on Hobart's Funnies.
127 posted on 12/22/2003 2:46:18 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: archy
I already have a thread on the German Sturmgeschutz ready.


128 posted on 12/22/2003 2:49:17 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: Victoria Delsoul
Sweet too, huh?
129 posted on 12/22/2003 2:50:14 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: All

Before I head out, I thought I'd leave this pretty christmas page for y'all to enjoy. I got it in an e-mail yesterday.
Click here and enjoy.
See y'all later.

130 posted on 12/22/2003 2:54:08 PM PST by radu (May God watch over our troops and keep them safe)
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To: SAMWolf
Not "too" tooth, LOL!
131 posted on 12/22/2003 2:55:02 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul (Freedom isn't won by soundbites but by the unyielding determination and sacrifice given in its cause)
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To: radu
Thanks Radu. Some really nice scenery shots in there.
132 posted on 12/22/2003 3:05:05 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: Victoria Delsoul
That too. ;-)
133 posted on 12/22/2003 3:05:27 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: SAMWolf
I already have a thread on the German Sturmgeschutz ready.

Splendid. But it's the ones the Finns used in the Jatkisota

with which I'm more familiar, mostly against T34/76 *Scaups* and KV1s.


134 posted on 12/22/2003 3:29:55 PM PST by archy (Angiloj! Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj!)
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To: archy
6 road wheels, those are Germam Stug III's supplied to the Finns.
135 posted on 12/22/2003 4:18:31 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: SAMWolf
6 road wheels, those are Germam Stug III's supplied to the Finns.

Yep. Model *G* versions, though refitted with Russian DT machineguns for auxiliary armament, and a few other improvements. More om the Finnish sturmis, and the Finnish tank museum at Parola, *here*.

136 posted on 12/22/2003 4:30:09 PM PST by archy (Angiloj! Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj!)
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To: SpookBrat
The British abandon the concept of the self destructing carrier Pigeon .... : )


137 posted on 12/22/2003 4:37:22 PM PST by Light Speed
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To: archy
Thanks for the link, Archy.

The thread will cover both the Stug III and IV. The disadvantage to being on the West Coast is we have no decent Armor museums with foreign armor. :-(
138 posted on 12/22/2003 4:40:00 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
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To: Light Speed
ROTFL!!! That's when they developed "the Killer joke"

Opening Scene:
A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.

Voice Over:
This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes.
In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.

Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.

Voice Over:
It was obvious that this joke was lethal...
no one could read it and live...

Ernest's mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.

Commentator:
This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy.
Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector:
I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.

Inspector:
I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division...

(Points to a group of dour looking policemen standing nearby)

The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

(He gives a signal.)

The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator:
There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not,
this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous
and gallant acts in police history.

The inspector suddenly appears at the door,
helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft.
He collapses and dies.
Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.

Voice Over:
It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.


Cut to door at Ham House.
Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider
hurries in carrying armoured box.

Notice on door:
"Conference. No Admittance"

Dispatch rider rushes in.
A door opens for him and closes behind him.
We hear a mighty roar of laughter...
A series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.

Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain.
Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass
peering anxiously out.

Voice Over:
Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox.
Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain.
He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable.
Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
Cut in to corporal's face-registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily.
Man on top of pillbox waves flag.
The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal.
He peers at it, thinks about its meaning,
snickers, and dies.
Two watching generals are very impressed.

Generals:
Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel:
All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.

Voice Over:
So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy
in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO:
Tell the... joke.

Joke Brigade:
(together)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.

Voice Over:
It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...

Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing
the "Peace in our time" treaty.

...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

Hitler:
SUBTITLE
MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE

A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE
HOW DOES HE SMELL?

Hitler:
SUBTITLE
AWFUL'

Voice Over:
In action it was deadly.

Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.

Corporal:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Sniper falls laughing out of tree.

Joke Brigade:
(charging)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

They chant the joke.
Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.

Voice Over:
The German casualties were appalling.

Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room.
An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face.
A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.

Nazi:
Vott is the big joke?

Officer:
I can only give you name, rank,
and why did the chicken cross the road?

Nazi:
That's not funny!
(slaps him)
I vant to know the joke.

Officer:
All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi:
(momentarily fooled)
I don't know... how do you make a Nazi cross?

Officer:
Tread on his corns.
(does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi:
Gott in Hiramell That's not funny!
(mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his
hands to provide the sound effct)
Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

Officer:
I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi:
Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.

Officer:
Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

They stop tickling him.

Nazi:
Quick Otto. The typewriter.

Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.

Officer:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.

Nazi:
Ach! Zat iss not funny!

Nazi burts into laughter and dies.
A German guard bursts in with machine gun,
The British officer leaps on the table.

Officer:
(lightning speed)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

The guard reels back and collapses laughing.
British officer makes his escape.
Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.

Voice Over:
But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44,
the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

A German general is seated at an imposing desk.
Behind him stands Otto, labelled "A Different Gestapo Officer". Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.

German Joker:
Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Otto:
We let you know.

He shoots him. Film of German sdentists.

Voice Over:
But by December their joke was ready,
and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke
to be broadcast in English.

Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.

Radio:
(crackly German voice)
Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Radio bunts into "Deutschland Uber Alles".
The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.
Cut to modern BBC 2 interview.
The commentator in a woodland glade.

Commentator (Eric Idle):
In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke.
Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

He walks away revealing a monument on which is written:
"To The Unknown Joke".
Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.
Patriotic music reaches crescendo.

139 posted on 12/22/2003 4:46:58 PM PST by SAMWolf (Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 137 | View Replies]

To: SAMWolf
Snippy is working on Hobart's Funnies.

Excellent. But don't stop there.


140 posted on 12/22/2003 4:48:56 PM PST by archy (Angiloj! Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 127 | View Replies]


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