On giving Communion to cohabiters

“Please, Father, for the sake of my children, please stop giving Communion to unmarried people who are living together as husband and wife.”

I want to start my letter by thanking you for all you have done for my family. We haven’t forgotten your kindness and your wisdom, and perhaps it is time to tell you that we never will forget. You have played an important part in our lives, especially in our journey to Eternal Life.

It has meant so much to my husband and me to bring our babies to you for Baptism. Your words regarding the meaning of this Sacrament clung to our hearts and ultimately helped us to take our responsibility as Christian parents more seriously. And, I’ll never forget the butterflies in my stomach each time one of our children entered the confessional for the very first time. Thanks to your welcoming invitation to Jesus’ forgiveness, our children have never feared confessing their sins. Each of our children’s First Holy Communion was also a day to be treasured. You were so careful in making sure they were properly prepared, in making sure they understood that their hearts were to become living tabernacles for Jesus. I know how you must have shared their joy—and ours—the moment Jesus first entered their precious little hearts.

I hope then, Father, you can understand that my heart is heavy in asking for something more of you, when you have already given so much. This is not a request that I want to make, but rather one that is compelled not only by conscience, but also in a real sense, by my children, due to the fine instruction they received from you about receiving the Eucharist worthily.

You know that my husband and I are not ones to stick our noses in other people’s business, but certainly you must be aware that we would know some of these cohabiting parishioners. My husband and I have never made it a point to tell the children which couples are married and which are not. But children are observant, and when they ask, my husband and I feel obligated to tell them the truth. Certainly, we always try to make a good lesson out of it: we try to remind them that people have different weaknesses, and that God forgives all kinds of sin.

But, Father, what can we tell our children when they specifically ask, “Why is Father giving her Communion when she is living with a man she isn’t married to?” At first it worked to tell them that you probably didn’t know that the person is unmarried. But Sunday after Sunday as we leave the church after Mass, the children have watched you greet dozens of parishioners by name and they have heard you ask about the welfare of a family member or about the status of a family project. They are convinced that you know your flock. And they really don’t believe that you don’t know about the living arrangements of these cohabiting couples.

Please forgive me for being so straightforward, Father, but this is really posing a very difficult problem for my husband and me, and especially for our children. You see, our combined efforts (yours and ours) to instill in the children reverence for the Blessed Sacrament have paid off, and they understand that people living in the state of serious sin are not supposed to receive the Eucharist. While our children also know that Christ commands us not to judge the hearts of others, they recognize nonetheless, that, objectively speaking, cohabitation is a mortal sin.

Unfortunately, your knowingly distributing Communion to unmarried cohabiting individuals is sending a very dangerous message to my children. A message that says, “Premarital sex is not a big deal. After all, even people who live together can still go to Communion!”

Please, Father, for the sake of my children, and for the sake of all the children in the parish—to protect their purity—please stop giving Communion to unmarried people who are living together as husband and wife. By doing so, you are placing my children in moral danger. Our older children are entering their teen years, and, as you know, my husband and I are diligently trying to reinforce the importance of safeguarding their virginity until marriage, but your distribution of the Blessed Sacrament to cohabiters is sending a very mixed message. Because of this dichotomy our children could lose both their reverence for the Blessed Sacrament and their reverence for the sacredness of the marriage bed. Please, Father, please don’t give Communion to unmarried people who cohabit!

I know that the position I am asking you to take may provoke confrontations, and may require great strength on your part. While I know that we lay people often ask a great deal of our priests, I believe that Jesus himself expects priests to endure certain trials. Above all, I would think that Jesus wants priests to safeguard his Precious Body and his Precious Blood from defilement. On your encouragement my husband and I have read the lives of the Saints with the children, and have learned how many of them preferred even death rather than allow the Sacrament to be defiled. I know that your taking a stand to protect the Blessed Sacrament will leave a lasting impression on the children of the parish; in fact, I believe it will be a tremendous example for us adults as well.

Saint Paul made it very clear that those who partake of the Eucharist while in the state of serious sin “bring judgment upon themselves” (1 Cor. 11:27-29). Perhaps you recall me once asking you exactly what that means. You explained that when people receive the Eucharist unworthily, they actually condemn themselves. They are sending themselves to Hell. If I know that an associate’s sinful lifestyle may be threatening his prospect for Eternal Life, I feel a moral obligation to try to be a beacon of truth and hope. I personally make it a point to try to tell this person, gently and lovingly, that a particular aspect of his behavior is displeasing to God, and why. Don’t priests have a similar responsibility? Isn’t each soul too precious to lose, even a soul that may be condemning himself? Besides, many Catholics are poorly schooled in our faith, and may not truly understand this teaching. Please, Father, for their sakes and ours, won’t you gently remind them?

I know that some people would frown on my suggestion, claiming it would be better for cohabiting couples to realize on their own that what they are doing is wrong, and to approach a priest for counsel when they feel ready. I have a problem with this pastoral approach primarily because it renders the pulpit impotent. Jesus Christ calls priests to teach all of us, not just the few who ask. Considering the widespread nature of this sin in today’s immoral climate, it seems unconscionable for a priest not to remind his congregation frequently from the pulpit that premarital sex is a serious sin. And also, Father, what will happen to the soul of one of these cohabiters, who happens to die without seeking forgiveness? Certainly, we must acknowledge that this person may find himself in Hell. Aren’t these souls too precious to risk? I have heard that at least 90% of all Catholic engaged couples in our diocese are already living together as husband and wife. Certainly our young people (and their parents!) need to be reminded over and over again that God demands chastity. It may not be a popular subject to preach about, but certainly, a necessary one!

I can’t help but think that some priests would recoil from my request, claiming that it would be wrong to embarrass these cohabiting individuals by publicly forbidding them the Eucharist. I agree there is a risk of embarrassing people. But what about the risk of corrupting the innocent children in the congregation who become confused about God’s will for chastity because they see you give the Blessed Sacrament to cohabiters? Surely the possibility of “leading little children astray” (Matt. 18:7) outweighs the concern of embarrassing people who may be already lost to sin! And perhaps, Father, public embarrassment would be just the thing to turn some of these people away from premarital sex. In any case, I think you could avoid the issue of embarrassment almost entirely if you were to warn the congregation a few weeks in advance, that you intend to refuse the Eucharist to those unmarried people you know to be living together.

Of course, there always exists the possibility that one such individual may have put an end to the illicit living arrangements without telling you, and may have gone to confession with another priest, prior to approaching you for Communion. I have visited other parishes and have on occasion witnessed the hushed exchange of a few words between the priest and the communicant. A couple of times, the communicant returned to the pew without having received Holy Communion. I certainly cannot claim that the communicant did not experience any embarrassment, but the event was handled so discretely and respectfully that it did not come across as scandalous in the least. And since most people are either in line awaiting Communion, or in prayer after receiving Communion, only a small portion of the congregation would actually be in a position to witness the incident. I, for one, truly appreciated the priest’s commitment and courage to defend the Blessed Sacrament, and I am convinced that members of our parish would be equally impressed to witness the same demonstration of commitment from you.

Father, I sincerely thank you for hearing a mother’s humble and desperate plea. It has been truly heart-wrenching for me not to be able to protect my children from the secular lures of premarital sex, even within the walls of the Church. I know that you understand the concerns I have expressed in this letter and that you will do your part to safeguard the moral formation of all the children in the parish.

Mrs. Lisa Marie Contini, wife and homeschool mother of three children, is a pro-life leader in her community and a vocal opponent of classroom sex education. She addresses high school and college students on abortion, chastity and other pro-life topics. Mrs. Contini’s articles have appeared in various Catholic and pro-life periodicals. She operates Altheia Press (P. O. Box 5403, McAllen, TX 78502), featuring pamphlets designed for youth about morality. Her last article in HPR appeared in January 2001.

This woman is a pain...in...the..ass. This letter is not addressed to any priest in particular, you see. And her daughter likely never noticed who was receiving the Eucharist, and who wasn't. In fact, all the circumstances here are made up, since the letter was written to make a point.

Most priests don't know their congregations well enough to know which young people are living together and which aren't.

But, if the letter helps Mrs. Contini get letters published in HPR, she'll do it.

BTW, this is the second time HPR has done this. A couple of months ago, it published an article by a priest who made up a personage of a priest who left the priesthood and blamed his wife for his straying.

It was despicable.

This letter is not despicable, but it is phoney.

HPR seems to be into contrivances. Does a Catholic publication have to engage in fiction (which doesn't look like fiction) to make its points? And, it won't acknowledge the fiction?

It's based on HPR's history. They allow writers to fabricate situations.

Do you have any idea to which priest, in particular, Mrs. Contini was addressing her letter?

Or is this, like the priest who left the priesthood, just fantasy?

You know that my husband and I are not ones to stick our noses in other people’s business,

I don't know about her husband, but Contini is precisely one who sticks her nose in other people's business.

Contini is precisely one who sticks her nose in other people's business

Of course, this is an unforgivable sin in your book, isn't it? Because it is a key component in that most unforgivable of sins: INTOLERANCE. On the other hand, cohabitation is cool, a step toward the "sacrament" (giggle, giggle) of matrimony. Or not, as people prefer. Whatever. Tolerate it and move on.

You see, Father, it has happened a couple of times now that my 10-year old daughter has tugged at my arm while you were still distributing Our Precious Lord in Communion, and asked me if a particular communicant had married yet. Needless to say, I was utterly shocked both times it happened. My daughter had recognized the communicant, a woman who is unmarried and living in sin ... I agree with you Sink. What a pain! Actually, I suppose it is all true. The mother and daughter watching the communion service and nudging each other "Isn't she married yet?" Ooooh what a scandal! It would be a pity to be all caught up in some sort of prayer of thanksgiving when there is some hot gossip to pass on. Anyway, they seem quite fit for that traditional prayer.

And thank God that we are not as the rest ...

So you have NO facts to base your charge on? Just a general claim that the publication the lady writes in is "guilty"?

The publication published one phoney story. What makes you think it wouldn't publish another one?

Of course, this is an unforgivable sin in your book, isn't it?

You don't see that this woman is making all this stuff up? Her daughter never "tugged at her sleeve." Mrs. Buttinski made mental notes of people going to Communion, rather than preparing to receive the Eucharist herself, or giving thanks for the Body and Blood of Christ she had just received.

"Oh God. I thank you that I am not like the rest of these heathens!"

She's a phoney. She makes stuff up.

Actually, I suppose it is all true. The mother and daughter watching the communion service and nudging each other "Isn't she married yet?"

Actually, I believe Mrs. Contini is making all this up. If she's not, she ought to be ashamed of herself for not preparing to receive the Eucharist herself or giving thanks.

The publication published one phoney story.

You keep saying that. Any facts? And how does that relate to this author? You acuse her, have you facts?

Sink,

She may be contacted by e-mail aletheia@slic.com.

How about just asking her if it is a fictional account to make a point, or if it really happened. That would be more charitable than your hysterical posts against her here.

Thanks.

You keep saying that. Any facts?

You posted the article. It was about a priest who had left the priesthood to marry and was now "regretting" leaving and blaming the woman he married for his "guilt."

Only, the priest who wrote the article hadn't left the priesthood. He made the story up, in an attempt to impute some kind of nefarious motivation to men who have left the priesthood.

Let me ask you: if this story is true, why is this busybody keeping track of who goes to communion, instead of making her thanksgiving?

If I were a priest who received a letter like this, I'd throw it in the trash.

How about just asking her if it is a fictional account to make a point, or if it really happened.

Why do I suspect I already know what she'd say?

"You know that my husband and I are not ones to stick our noses in other people’s business"

It's one thing if she's being a nosy parker.

It's another if these people openly and notoriously living in sin with not the slightest intention of living out of it.

If this were an open and notorious homosexual couple, or practitioners of some other polymorphous perversity, would you advise the priest to ignore their situation and give them Communion?

Let me ask you: if this story is true, why is this busybody keeping track of who goes to communion, instead of making her thanksgiving?

With ya on this one, sinkspur. I can't stand people like her, sorry.

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