BTW, 'dead to the life of God is not the same as non-existant, it is forever apart from all that the Love of God offers, a state of torment even if only the realization that you can never enjoy what is the state of Life in Christ's eternal being alive.
I don't doubt that you are a good man. That place of torment will be plentious with good men that chose in their personal pride to not believe / trust in God's provision for their graduation into eternal Life. You can believe with your will, privately, with an amazing result of being born from above in that instant. If past experience is teacher, once born from above you will want to tell someone and strt feeding on His provisions for the members of His family.
Privately, just between you and God, swallow your pride of self worth and accept His Grave for you. Do it before too long and I'll rejoice to see you in the clouds with the rest of us sinners who hve set aside our pride of self worth.
I was expecting that. Since joining the Navy and after many efforts and accomplishments to do good, I have great pride in myself and will NOT give it up. I had no self-esteen (pride) prior to that.
If God/Jesus won't forgive me for prior sins and not acknowledge all the good I've done since, then I don't want the "clouds" in the sky. I can rot in purgatory while knowing I did good stuff and my heart is good and my conscience is clear. That's all I want on my dying bed.
Thank you very much for your concern.