That’s about how I was a Catholic. I lived in constant fear, that I wouldn’t survive till the next day, when I could get the confessional. I thought God was mean and just wanted to zap me. After a few years of that, I realized I couldn’t stop committing mortal sins, so I thought I was in deep kimchi.
Thank God I have Jesus there’s more wealth in my soul.
You just perfectly described my life as a catholic. It took YEARS and my fifth reading through Romans with my Bible study group to finally stop living in fear, accept the fact that no matter how hard I tried not to I was going to sin, and to fully understand how God's grace and the blood of Jesus covers those sins.
As you already know, we can't keep 10 commandments much less 614 and there are times I struggle to keep the ONE Jesus left us with: to love our neighbors as ourselves.
To finally stop living in fear of breaking God's law and living in grace to please Him from my heart has been life changing. Living in God's grace doesn't give us a license to sin, it simply changes us from living in fear of making God mad and suffering his wrath, to loving Him back and wanting to please him from our hearts. Our sins are covered, He knows we will never be sin free. If we could be there'd be no point in Jesus coming to save us.
I wish everyone could understand this as simply.