[Chapter 6] Restoring The Soul: Breaking The Cycle

Many people suffer from compulsive, obsessive behavior. Addictions can take many forms. For some people it is an obsession with cleanliness. For others, there is pornography.

The snare of pornography is different from most other addictions. Although we’re all born greedy, we’re not necessarily born with a love for gambling. We are not born with a love for alcohol, but must acquire it by beginning to drink. But because we grow up with persistent sexual appetites, sexual fantasies are never far from our minds. Our sexuality is so much a part of who we are that it is almost impossible (especially for men) to live without battling impure thoughts.

Charles Swindoll is right when he says that lust is no respecter of persons. “…It never gives up; it never runs out of ideas. Bolt your front door, and it will rattle at the bedroom window, crawl into the living room through the TV screen, or wink at you out of a magazine in the den.” Those of us who have never been lured by gambling, alcoholism or drugs can understand the lure of these addictions because we have found sexual temptation to be powerful and unrelenting. Some of us who have had the good fortune of escaping the snare of pornography have done so only because of external restrains and the inner grace granted by God. It is not difficult for me to see why pornography would hold such a powerful attraction to the average American male, and yes, females too. But if we want to “see God,” purity of heart is necessary (Matt.5:8).

Keep in mind the basic principle given by Jesus: “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:34-36). Slaves do not make decisions; they carry out the wishes of someone else. Slaves wake up in the morning and receive their orders for the day, obeying the commands of their master. Just so, when we are slaves to sin, our lives are out of our control. Any one of us could commit any form of sexual perversion if we just submitted ourselves to it on the internet, videos or cable television. The images of pornography enslave their worshippers.

Not everyone is like the man I met in Washington DC who spends $400 a month on pornography. Not everyone is like the missionary who returned home and bought a thousand dollars worth of porno videos. There are many “casual” users who might not spend any money on pornography, as such, but take advantage of what can be seen in drug stores, the internet and television.

Of course, there are many other kinds of addictive, sexual behaviors. There are serial adulterers, fornicators, homosexual relationships, and the like.

The long journey begins with satisfying a bit of curiosity. “I’ll just do this once, or else I will wonder what it is like…” One drink, one gambling trip, or one sexual experience. Just like a person who happens to kick over a bucket in the dark, so the person trips a series of dominoes and soon discovers that what was going to be done once, is now done twice, then three times, etc.

The life of a sex addict is usually traceable to one or more sexual experiences that began the long spiraling journey into the world of sexual oblivion. Usually it was that first act where the consequences seemed manageable. “I’ll just do this once to satisfy my curiosity” or “I know what I’m doing and will accept the consequences.” Whatever, the “alien bond” awakens desires that plunge the participant into a fierce battle of sexual temptation. A battle that is so intense that the victim sees little reason to fight since it appears to be a lost cause.

First, he lives in constant fear of discovery; one of the strongest bonds is that of secrecy. Added to this is constant pain and alienation. “Addicts withhold a major portion of themselves—a pain deeply felt, but never expressed or witnessed.” Because they think that no one else is struggling as they do, they tend to internalize their addiction, condemning themselves yet unable to find a way out. They have an inner war that they think cannot be talked about.

Second, there is withdrawal; they retreat into their shells, only to emerge in the most superficial ways. Understandably, abandonment and shame are at the core of addiction.

Third, the sex addict is constantly preoccupied with his particular habit. If he commits adultery, he enjoys the act, but he does not want a relationship. But, fear of hurting his partners, might make it difficult for him to break the relationship, so he hopes that these entanglement will just “go away” in and of themselves. But that doesn’t happen, of course. He says “I love you” to a woman, knowing full well that he said the same words to a different woman the night before.

Fourth, the addict often fanaticizes about more risqué behavior. He might imagine meeting a strange woman at a bus stop, or wonder what it would be like to “rape” a woman in her own bedroom. Once a person has given himself over to fulfill his sexual desires, there is no telling where it all will end. His X-rated thought life becomes more and more detached from reality. His secret life becomes more real than his public life.

Needless to say, addicts live with a deep level of denial, telling themselves that what they are doing is not ultimately harmful. After all, many others are doing the same—and worse. Or they will do a lot of good deeds, taking care of their family, or volunteering in church, trying to convince themselves that their addiction is only a small part of who they really are. At the core, they tell themselves they are really good and loving and kind. What others don’t know won’t hurt them. A great deal of their energy is spent trying to give an outward veneer of normalcy and dependability. Some become masters at managing two separate lives. Sometimes only a crisis will jolt him back into the real world.

A man struggling with sexual addiction said to me, “I have struggled with sexual addiction for years and this is such a strong satanic stronghold…I could not hear what my church or God was trying to tell me. Believe me when I say that most addicted men and women will listen to your words, but they will rationalize their behavior, just like I did for years.” When the addict returns from his last experience, he will return home, armed with a pack of carefully rehearsed lies, so the slightest suspicion is thwarted. If his wife does not believe him, he will angrily blame her for being jealous or “suspicious.” Her feelings are her fault, not his.

Our churches must foster an attitude of acceptance and a humble spirit that encourages those who are locked in their secret world to come out from the shadows into the light. If secrecy and shame keep the addict bound, confession to those who can help is the path to true freedom.

If we think Jesus is going to let must make excuses for our lusts, we are sorely mistaken. Perhaps no passage in the entire Bible speaks so directly to the issue of lust and pornography than the words from the lips of the Master Himself, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27).

Jesus then added, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell” (Matt. 5:28-30).

That phrase, “causes you to sin” refers to a stumbling block. According to Barclay it means, “bait stuck in a trap.” The picture is that of a pit dug in the ground and deceptively covered with a thin layer of branches so the unwary animal would “fall into the pit.” Christ is saying that if your eye or hand causes you to trip up—if you find yourself submitting to the power of lust, take drastic action!

Jesus began with the eye, since that is how lust, particularly for men, begins. Then, Jesus speaks of the hand, which represents a further stage in sexual arousal, particularly for women. Tender words, coupled with tender caresses often lead to sexual stimulation and involvement. He now says that if the eye must be cut out or the hand cut off, so be it. For, “it is better to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

Needless to say Christ is speaking figuratively. To submit to some form of mutilation to deaden the passions of lust is hardly what He had in mind. Even if a man cut out his right eye, he could still lust with his left one! And to get rid of the hand would hardly curb the sexual desires of the body. No, this is not literal.

But in this sense, Christ’s words are quite literally true: it would be better to lose an eye in this life than to enter hell with two! And it would be better to have one arm in heaven rather than enter hell with two! What Christ is saying in the strongest possible way is this: Be willing to do whatever is necessary to keep from falling into the “pit.”

Jesus knew that our hands and eyes are highly prized; we’d do anything to spare them. We wouldn’t part with them unless absolutely necessary. Lust is as difficult to part with as a hand or an eye. Anyone who knows the exhilaration of sexual attraction knows that. And yet He says we must make that choice, even at great personal cost.

Sitting here in my study, I’m trying to visualize what amputation would be like! Imagine having one’s eyes gouged out or a hand cut off. In ancient times there was no anesthetic, no way to alleviate the throbbing torment that would accompany such an experience. No needles, drugs, or delicate surgical instruments—just crude cutting tools. Grotesque scars would remain as reminders of the ordeal.

First, we must flee from the temptation. Paul’s advice is “Flee immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18). And again, “Flee from youthful lusts” (2 Tim.2:22). Run from temptation without leaving a forwarding address. When we find ourselves looking for stimuli, we are already on the path to defeat.

Yes, it is painful. A young man told me that just throwing his pornographic pictures away that he had kept stashed in his garage was difficult. His habit had become so much a part of his life. But again Christ would say, “No matter how painful…do it.!

Suppose you go to the doctor with a cancerous growth and he says, “I plan to do this in stages; I’ll cut out most of it this time and take more later. We won’t decide now whether we will take it all.”

Absurd? Of course. You want him to cut a trifle beyond the growth to make sure that he “got it all.” And once the knife has cut the growth, there is no turning back. We can’t rethink it, and say, “I wonder if I should have done this.”

Somewhere I read that when you are going to jump across a chasm, it is much better to do it in one long jump than in two short ones! Just so, when we deal with sin in our lives, it is best that it be done thoroughly, completely and without making it easy to retrace our steps. Again, Jesus would say, “Do it.”

Is the pain worth it? Just ask the cancer patient who has been told by the doctor, “We got it all.” The soul is worth more than the hand or the eye; just so, the joy of freedom is better than the slavery of impurity. Christian Bovee said, “The body of a sensualist is the coffin of the dead soul.”

Better to live with a disability than to live in defiance of God; better to face life with an unfulfilled marriage as a friend of God than to incur God’s displeasure. God is a friend to the lonely, to those with unfulfilled dreams or desires, but He will judge those who commit immorality. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Heb.13:4). If the choice is between losing an eye or losing our soul, let us have your eye cut out; if the choice is between losing a hand or losing our soul, let us have our hand cut off.

I agree with those counselors who tell us that it is not possible for an addict to come clean until he has come into the light; that is, until his secret is shared. Satan works undercover; his kingdom is one of darkness and shame. When the lid is lifted and the light of truth shines into the soul, there is hope and cleansing. Men who cannot share their struggle with their wives, must confide in a friend, a counselor or pastor with whom they can pray and be accountable. If Jesus, the perfect Son of God, asked that three of His disciples pray with Him in the dark battle of Gethsemane, it should not be difficult for us to confess that we need the help of others in our own battle against sin.

Second, along with this sharing, there must be accountability. Like other addictions, those who are caught in the web of pornography will always have a tendency to revert back to their addiction of choice. Only after death will temptation no longer stalk us. God uses our struggles to humble us, to show us the great need we have for one another. You may have fallen into the pit on your own, but you will need others to help you out.

Third, God’s forgiveness must be accepted. The cleansing of the conscience is very important in our battle for purity. Guilt and unresolved issues that lie within the soul will always agitate for expression and resolution. If we do not find our peace in the presence of Jesus, we will seek to find pleasure to divert the pain. When Jesus was confronted with a woman taken in adultery, He said to her accusers, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Those who heard his words walked out, one at a time. When no one remained to condemn her, He replied, “Neither do I condemn you…Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11).

One day a young man came to ask how he could stop browsing porno magazines at a newsstand. He loved God; he was in Christian service and effective. I asked him to make a promise that before he picked up one of those magazines, he had to recite five verses of Scripture and to go through them about three or four times before making up his mind as to what he would do.

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matt.5:8). “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind. Then you will be able to approve what God’s will is---his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Rom.12:2). “But we have the mind of Christ” (1 Cor.2:16b). “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people….For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person---such a man is an idolater---has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God” (Eph.5:3, 5). “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy---think about such things” (Phil.4:8). Soon after he had readied his “battle plan,” God sent a trial his way. A misplaced pornographic magazine arrived in his apartment mailbox. As he held it in his hands, he remembered the promise he had made: he would have to recite all the verses at least three times before he opened the pages. We can imagine him there in the apartment saying, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God….” When he was finished quoting the Scripture, he was able to throw the magazine away without opening it. That was the first in a series of victories.

At all costs we cannot give up the fight. No matter how often we lose, the battle must be enjoined. We fight with this assurance, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33b).

In Homer’s Odyssey, we read of the mythical hero known named Odysseus, also known as Ulysses, and his adventurers as they returned home after fighting for Greece against the city of Troy in the Trojan war. The time has come for Ulysses to return home to his wife Penelope. A goddess named Circe with whom he has had an affair, warns him about The Sirens, sea nymphs who use their beautiful singing to lure sailors to death on a magical island. Indeed, the song of the sirens carried by the wind lured many a captain to change course, powerless to resist the siren’s song. They were unaware that jagged rocks waited beneath the sparkling water. The men were so blinded by lust that they didn’t even wait for the shipwreck, but flung themselves into the water and swam to shore, only to be devoured by the siren’s ravenous appetite.

As his ship neared the island, Ulysses ordered his sailors to fill their ears with wax to prevent them from being seduced by the sirens. He knew that even that was not sufficient for himself, having experienced the power of an illicit sexual liaison. He instructed the crew to lash him to the mast of the ship and warned that, no matter how fervently he begged, they were not to unite him until they were far away from the shores of the siren’s island.

How right Circe was, how wise Ulysses to listen. The song of the sirens was so seductive, his death was certain if he could have freed himself from the straps that bound him. Many of us simply overestimate our ability to withstand temptation; we underestimate the power of the siren’s song. Many a man or woman would have been spared incredible grief if only they had had their friends keep them from a relationship that was doomed to failure and destruction.

I was a porn addict 4 years before becoming a Christian.

I was a porn addict 9 years after becoming a Christian.

Then, I got serious about quitting since I started to doubt “once saved always saved”, so I boiled down Michael Pearl’s “Sin No More” teaching to the following verses:

Romans 6:2,3,4,18,21

... and I would say them at least 6 times a day on a schedule, AND whenever lust would rear it’s head. I thus identified with the “new man”, and the devil had no foothold to force me to do porn any longer.

About a year later, I met some Pentecostal Christians who offered to exorcise a demon of lust from me. I agreed, and I don’t need to say those verses 6+ times a day any more to avoid porn.

I am free.

Thank you for your story. It is an inspirational story that I am sure many will need to hear.

I, at one time, needed to hear that story for myself.

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