Posted on 08/29/2009 8:33:08 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
MIAMI BEACH — De Void isn’t feeling particularly enlightened or spiritual on the way over here. A decent CD has just been totaled by a scratch and there’s a flash on the radio about a couple of washed-up Ba’ath Party scumbags confessing to the truck bombs that exterminated all those people in Baghdad last week. They probably weren’t tortured.
But that ain’t it. The bad juju starts at the outskirts of Dade County. De Void never dug the Miami vibe and just like that there’s a squid-ink Hummer adhesed like a barnacle to De Void’s exhaust pipe and there’s some kid over there in a — what, an F-950? it doesn’t matter, all you can see out the passenger window are tires. Eyeball-jigglin’ bass riffs come banging out the woofers and through the air-conditioned seams. Yeah, this is where turn signals are for cowards and people brake for hallucinations, not totally unlike back in Sarasota, only more of it. Even on a Sunday afternoon. Which blows even more when you don’t know exactly where you’re going. And then, whoa, here come the flashing lights and the RR guardrails as a 20-mile long CSX train creeps along like February molasses.
This can only mean one thing. You’re gonna be late for the march of the topless UFO chicks. It’s your fault for not leaving in time. Still. Just look at that stupid train.
You meander through the unknown and find some place to park and you get a vague general sense of the direction you’re supposed to hoof it, some Lincoln Road Mall or something. This is where the Raelians launched what they called Boobstock about 45 minutes ago, and your only hope now is that they’ll all return here, like the announcement in GoTopless.org said they would. But they probably all got hosed and busted by The Man.
So you vanish into the smear of competing music and alien tongues, the festive colors and the aroma of suntan oil and grilled meat, feeling like you’ve just missed something historic or at least noteworthy. And you give up and grab a tropical punch with a bite and — no. It can’t be. But it’s gotta be. Over there. The signs they carry: “War is indecent, not my breasts,” “Free your mind, Free your breasts.” “Breasts are beautiful, why are they unlawful?”
A small crush of newsies and unlicensed voyeurs, shoulder to shoulder, adjust their lenses and crowd around a handful of Raelian women — and men — without shirts or blouses. You can ID the Raelian men because they’ve covered their own nipples with opaque plastic, as the women have done to keep from getting arrested.
But shouldn’t there be more of ‘em? De Void counts only four women, and maybe as many Raelian guys. De Void was expecting Boobstock to attract hordes. And the women exude wildly contrasting, er, pulchritude. Two have pairs of butterfly wings flaring around their shoulders. There’s one with a captain’s cap who looks like she might be drawing Social Security. Another is a stone-cold minx who could easily stuff her garters with a small fortune today if had a mind to perform with a greased pole. And that clueless stunted analogy? It’s part of the problem.
The apparent leader identifies herself as Donna Newman, a Raelian priest. Not priestess. Because language is among the many artificial constructs that divide men and women. Some dude with a camera asks if she’s not afraid somebody’s gonna get too worked up over her breasts and start pawing. Newman says “You have to ask yourselves why women are afraid to show their breasts. You look at us as sexual objects. This is your problem.”
Newman, who wears the Raelian Star of David/Hindu swastika symbol on her necklace and doesn’t think women should go to jail for ripping the plastic off their nipples, offers a complex cosmology that got off to a bad start with the Bible, most of which “was written by primitive old men who had no understanding of what a UFO was, and called them things like ‘chariots of fire.’” In reality, she says, extraterrestrial scientists with a 25,000-year evolutionary head start seeded Earth with their own DNA. They were confused for God (who doesn’t exist) by the early writers, and consequently men and women have been slaves to corrosive modes of morality which is ultimately responsible for so much destructive behavior.
“Let’s face it — our planet’s in a lot of trouble,” she adds. “Our technology is evolving very quickly, more quickly than our spirituality is.” Newman says Earthlings have forgotten the most important lessons of these ET scientists, which is “to live in pleasure and happiness.” A small step would be to give women equal rights with men and not arrest them for going topless. If only men would learn to quit objectifying women.
De Void is taking notes and trying not to be remotely interested in checking out the C cups. It’s an inauthentic pose but it’s better than being perceived as unevolved. This is where true professionalism kicks in. That, and trying to figure out what this sad conundrum has to do with UFOs.
Related threads:
Woman pursues human cloning (because Christ did)
Raelians revive swastika/Star of David symbol [Extraterrestrial Culture Day]
RULES!!!!!
Oh, someone’s been hitting the Von Daniken again!
They came up with this idea during a nude “Stargate” marathon party.
Okay, but only because you asked....you can find a not-safe-for-FR picture in the Miami New Times coverage of the event
Only if these were the young hot Raelians. I don't need any evidence for the old saggy ones.
LOL gotta love the Raelians.
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