I hear that the next big project for the LDS church will be to follow "The Joseph Smith Papers" with a compilation of the "Gordon B. Hinckley Utterances" in which all of Hinckley's words will be gathered and presented for research use. The collection will be as thorough and complete as is "The Joseph Smith Papers".
"Those pesky utterances attributed to GBH will no longer be available for anti-mormons to access and use in an unfair manner against the LDS church", stated church spokesman U. B. Condigan.
If Gordon B. Hinckley were to revise the articles of faith to reflect current LDS belief, they might look like this:
1 WE believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We just don't know much about them.
2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression. Those with friends in high places will have their transgressions swept under the rug.
3 We believe that through ignorance and suspending critical thinking, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to whatever we tell them.
4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, obedience; second, obedience; third, obedience; and fourth, obedience.
5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by committee, with the sanction of an autopen, preferably through nepotism and cronyism by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe prophets are chosen by the death of the preceding one.
6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.
7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. We just don't practice any of that.
8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as far as it is revised to delete embarrassing references to skin color or other social issues of the day.
9 We believe all that God has revealed, though today we have only feelings and impressions instead of actual revelation.
10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes, though no one really knows what that means (all we know is that DNA evidence is irrelevant); that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent (though we're really happy in our Utah homes); that Christ will reign personally upon the earth (but again, we really don't know much about him); and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory, free of gays, feminists, and so-called intellectuals.
11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. This does not apply to apostates.
12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, unless we can get around it.
13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. And if you believe that, you really are a Mormon.