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ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Have you drugged your kids today?"

from:

http://www.psych.upenn.edu/humor.html

same link:

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly
as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.

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same link:

Why God never received a PhD:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

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