[Dr. Eckleburg]

I practiced Catholic scriptural apologetics fearful that there is some esoteric knowledge of the scripure in the Protestants that I somehow missed.

Not so esoteric; quite clear, actually.

"Whereof I am made a minister, according to the dispensation of God which is given to me for you, to fulfil the word of God;

Even the mystery which hath been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to his saints" -- Colossians 1:25-26

Anyone reading the scripture without the Protestant spin implanted under the skin ends up Orthodox or Catholic.

That's not spin. That's Him.

"To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory" -- Colossians 1:27

[annalex]

to fulfil the word of God; Even the mystery which hath been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to his saints

Uh-hum. How does that validate Protestant countrascripturalism?