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I think this sordid period of history is terribly difficult to sort out. I can understand the Protestant's distaste for the Catholic Church, but I can't share it. When I told my parents I was leaving their Chiesa Cattolica, I expected a much worse reaction than I got. They feel bad about it, but they remember a Church from the 30s and 40s, in the foothills of the Apennines, when they were kids, when they were poor, when they were beset on all sides by misery. They observe the same Church today, you could almost see the passage of memories pass over their eyes as they silently reflected on this departure of mine. My Mom said to me, "aren't you going to come to Mass with me anymore?" I said it was up to her, if she thought I should attend, I would, if she thought the Church would be affronted at my presence there, I wouldn't.

As I've mentioned I grew up in a predominantly Anglo/Protestant town. And that to know these people was to witness first hand what 'you shall know them by their fruits' means. The Presbyterian Church there is a landmark. My Mom from time to time will mention that the attitude of those in ecclesial power during the time she grew up, as it relates to Protestantism, was one of total intolerance. Almost as if, should you approach a clergyman, and remark that you had a choice between attending a Protestant church and a brothel, he'd advise you to frequent the latter. Those are my words, not my Mother's. I use them because of the look that comes over her face when she describes the attitude prevalent at the time. Now she sees Protestant ministers receiving Communion.

About 10 years ago my Mom attended the funeral of a friend at that landmark Presbyterian Church. She came back from the Service, edified and invigorated by the Sermon delivered by its Pastor. She had never heard anything even close to that in her own Church, in her entire life. It didn't make her think Catholicism was illegitimate, it made her see what Protestantism was mainly about.

I'm not sure she ever believed the Catholics are in heaven alone fiction, but the terror tactics of the Church at the time sure made the Protestants into pariahs.

I also understand why Protestants felt they had to overturn everything, but I'm not sure that was the best route to take. Surely, Luther and Calvin did not want or intend for the Church they left behind to be as fragmented as it is today. It is scandalous that one has to church shop, and this crosses all denominations, including Catholicism.

I turned 50 yesterday, most of those years I spent as a catholic. There is a part of me that will always be catholic.

Several weeks past I spoke with my godmother in Italy and inquired about my Baptism, which took place in Italy, in '56. She described the event, and was delighted to relay it to me. After pouring water over my head and anointing my forehead with oil (all being done with the Priest confessing, I Baptize thee in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost) the Priest put a bit of salt in my ears and on my lips, symbolizing la sapienza di Dio, that is, the knowledge and wisdom of God, based on the Scriptural references to the salt that are part of the Old and New Testaments. I find that incredibly beautiful, and no passage of time, or place of refuge will change that.

I was never much of a self-conscious Catholic, and I really don't want to become a self-conscious ex-Catholic. I shed copious tears over this decision, and it has left a permanent wound.