You are right with the security issue though. I like to be sure of things, and to organize and plan. I think it makes me much more efficient in everything I do. I don't know if security is necessarily a bad thing, but relying on it too much is bad. As a priest, I know that nothing would be certain, and that things would be different everyday.
The Knights of Malta. It is a status appeal, but also an ideal to me. I am caught up in their history, and what they stood for in the past. My uncle was a Knight of Malta, but he was a big shot lawyer. I know a couple of members, and my family is of old Irish nobility, with lineage records, and a coat of arms with a family motto written in Latin. "Lucent en Tenebris". I know that I am still very proud, and that I absolutely need to be much more humble. I do not know if I can be humble to the point as you described.
I love charity. I don't make much as a student, but I love buying food for the church food closet, and making children happy on Christmas with toys. I understand your "Lillies of the field, and birds of the sky" example. At the moment, I feel very much like Lazarus. I am about to leave work, so I will think of this on the way home. Thank you.
Of course, priests are not perfect, and you aren't going to be perfect. But you've got to try to be perfect.
Since you can't be perfect, you can at least keep yourself clean.
Go to morning mass every day, take communion as often as it is offered, but never take communion with any sin upon you. Go and say a confession first, to the extent that you have any. At your age, this will mean confessing lustful thoughts just about every day. That would be the norm, anyway.
Getting into that routine of morning prayer, and keen focus of maintaining a spotless soul, for a year, while going every afternoon, and especially on Friday nights and Saturday nights, for a year, and cleaning bedpans and washing feet: this will lay you bare before yourself (you're already bare before God, it's not as though GOD doesn't already know all your sins and everything you think - the question is DO YOU). And you will see the operation of sin, the rise and check of pride.
Also, if you do this, your relatives will cease to inflame you. How can a man become angry at those who are lost in their ignorance, when he takes the Saviour into himself every single morning, and keeps every speck off his soul and never takes communion without confession unless completely spotless, for a year? He can't.
And by the end of that year, you will know God as well as any man ever has, and know yourself, your moral self, the one that God sees, better than most men on Earth. And long before that year is out, you will know which path God intends for you.