Excerpts from the script "South Park - 3.16 - Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus!
[Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are everywhere]
| Craig: | Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days until the new millennium, and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus, here at his house in South Park. [the camera begins to pan to the right. A man with two kids next to him sit in chairs. Skeeter and his friends are there, too] Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out, because as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love. [the front door opens] Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out! [turns to face the hosue. Jesus peeks out from it] |
| Woman: | [picks up her son and points Jesus out] Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you see him? |
| Boy: | He's neat, Mommy. [cameras go off as the crowd stands behind some Jesus line. Do not cross lines. Jesus drops back into his house, then peeks out again] |
| Craig: | [softly] Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous. [Jesus moves forward] But he has taken another step out, Tom! This is great new for us! |
| Jesus: | Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing? [people lower their cameras, puzzled] Can I help you with something? [no one moves] |
| Craig: | …Well, it's… the millennium, Jesus. |
| Jesus: | Uuh-huh? |
| Craig: | Well, it's "The Millennium" |
| Man 1: | Yeah. |
| Man 2: | Yeah. |
| Man 3: | Yeah. |
| Cameraman: | Right. |
| Jesus: | So, what happens at the millennium? |
| Craig: | …I don't know. |
| Jimbo: | We thought you did. |
| "Y2K" Man: | Yeah, you're supposed to know! |
| Man 4: | Yeah! |
| Man 5: | Yeah, you're Jesus. |
| Man 6: | Hey! |
| Man 5: | -You're the one in control. |
| Jesus: | Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye shall find peace. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear some'in' new! It's the year 2000, for Christ's sake! |
| Crowd: | Yeah! |
| Jesus: | Well, what do ya want? |
| Fr. Maxi: | We want to see God! |
| Randy: | Yeah, with our own eyes. |
| Crowd: | Yeah! |
| Jimbo: | We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999! |
| Crowd: | Yeah! |
| Woman: | That's right! |
| Jesus: | Oh. Uuuh, llet me think about that for a minute. [backs up and closes the door. The people in the crowd are left to talk amongst themselves] |
| Man With Picket Sign: | [to man to his left] Is that good? |
| Man 7: | I don't know. |
| Man 8: | I don't know. Is that good or not? |
[snip]
| Jesus: | [sighs heavily] Father, I need to talk to you. Please, Father, appear to me. [a flash of light and swirling clouds follow as Jesus comes forward to meet his father] |
| God: | [voice-over] What is it, my child? |
| Jesus: | Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making a comeback! |
| God: | Yea, like John Travolta before you. You are experiencing a second revival. |
| Jesus: | It's the millennium, Father. People want to see you. |
| God: | Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me. |
| Jesus: | But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback. |
| God: | Be ye careful of pride, Jesus. |
| Jesus: | Just make an appearance. You can come down, sey 'hi' to a few people and can be back by 12:30. |
| God: | I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself. |
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[snip]
| Stan: | [goes onstage] Jesus, why does God hate me? |
| Jesus: | Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. He's gonna let me be crucified again. |
| Stan: | He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers. I prayed to him every day and he never answered me. |
| Jesus: | Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. |
| Stan: | Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted? |
| Jesus: | Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want. That takes all the living out of life. |
| Stan: | What do you mean? |
| Jesus: | If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems. [becomes reflective] A-and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence. [realizes something] That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party. |
| Stan: | I just wanted my period. |
| Jesus: | I get it now, Father. I had to learn all this on my own. [Skeeter and five other men bring a large cross in] I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment. [a bright light appears in the sky and descends towards the stage. The crowd gapes in awe] |
| Man: | Whoa, what is that?? |
| Jesus: | [the light approaches him] It's Dad. |
| Fr. Maxi: | God? God is going to show himself?? |
| Woman: | Look, I can see him. [the light begins to bathe the crowd] |
| Jesus: | Father. You came. |
| God: | Now look upon Me, My children, and know Me. [now the crowd is shocked] Be ye not afraid. [God is shown as a hippo-rodent] Blessed art thou, my children. [a man's party blower falls from his lips] |
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| Randy: | That's God? |
| Jesus: | Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega. [a snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth] The Beginning and the End. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Well, yeah, but that?? |
| God: | What did you expect me to look like, My son? |
| Mr. Garrison: | [thinks a moment] …Well not like that! |
| God: | Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question. |