No S-E-X please, we're Anglicans

Wires From The Bunker ^ | 7/26/2005 | Peter Glover

[sionnsar]

It really is hard to get over the kind of contrived, postmodern and essentially thick-as-a-brick logic that propels the modern Anglican hierarchy towards its mega-dottage. You couldn't make up some of the dreamworld stuff it comes up with in its perennial pursuit of becoming 'culturally relevant' abandoning what it considers the outmoded concept of being biblically faithful.

So then, same-gender civil unions for gay clergy are now IN in the modern Church of England. More than 700 clergy, we are told, are already lining up (let us hope not at the same time or things could get out of hand) to "marry" their partners. But, now here's the bizarre Anglican Catch 22: though you can "marry" there must be "no hanky-panky" (as an pre-modern Christian, as you may expect, I cannot possibly bring myself to use the S-E-X word).

So these are the new Anglican rules. IN for same-gender clergy are:

• hand-holding
• kissing
• fondling of ecclesiastically-recognized 'clean bits'
  
• buying Dusty Springfield's back catalogue
• voting Liberal Democrat
  
• balletic interpretive preaching
• synchronised campanology (every Thursday - after bell-ringing practice)
  
• badminton
  
• a new choir boy recruitment campaign
• and running together through the headstones naked in the half-light

OUT for both parties, however, are:

• exciting any of the body's  'naughty bits'
  
• touching 'naughty bits'
• peeking through the shower curtain at the 'naughty bits' of partners
  
• anything penned by the 'mysogynistic' apostle Paul
• 'Hymns: Ancient & Modern' will be renamed 'Hims: Young and Old' and carry pictures and phone numbers
  
• claiming Jesus was celibate and not living in sin with Simon Peter and the boys
  
• Christian teaching and the Bible in general

But well done to the General Synod of the Church of England for bringing Anglicanism into the 21st century. And what a good move to make Rowan Atkinson Archbishop and replace the General Synod with the Monty Python team. Much more sensible than when Rowan Williams and his Bible-flusing cowboys running it.

(NB. As for my own holding of an Anglican Lay Licence, after posts like these, I suspect my days may be numbered. I often lie awake at night waiting for the limp-wristed knock at the door. Though my wife claims that I can't be lying awake that much as I snore often enough. Persoanlly, I have never thought this claim held much water. I've never heard me snore.)

[Kenny Bunk]

This new hymn just out:

Show Me the Way to Go Rome.

The Bishop's tired and wants to go to bed
She had a little drink about an hour ago
And now she wants to take Ethel instead of Fred.

O well, there must be somewhere we can take our church.

[jocon307]

LOL, kudos for an extremely good parody! Brilliant! Can we just copy this an send it around? We'll give you author's credit and all, of course! Really, you might want to stick a copyright date on this one.

[Huber]

Thank you, but it was really just lifted from classic Monty Python with the context changed to the 21st century "Church" of England. If you do pass it around, you will probably spot the typos, etc, that I missed when originally posting it.

Cheers!

[fanfan]

LOL!

[sionnsar]

Funny how these old threads come back to life...

[dsc]

“(But SAD that a great church collapses on the basis of want for another man’s hairy pimply fanny.)”

Where there is sodomy, there also is Satan.