[AAABEST]

Aliska,

Prayer is not always as simple as some people make it sound. There are different levels and different types of praying... ranging from the simple prayers we learn in our catechism to being in a state of ecstacy with God and engaging in no internal dialogue at all, or not asking for anything in particular.

Besides our common prayers - such as the Rosary and our Father - many people pray in very different ways. Some people cry at night in wonder of the beautiful earth that the Father created or in thanks of the spritual or temporal blessings he's bestowed upon them. Some don't pray often for themselves, but only that his will be done. I've heard some pray for help finding their care keys. I sometimes get this intense, almost painful sensation in the front of my head in certain very unique situations. That for me is "praying" although not in a conventional sense.

Something so profound as communing with the Triune God can be hard explain, or even inexplicable.

You can talk to God however you like, especially if you love Him dearly. Don't ever let anyone tell you anything different.

As an aside, I don't believe there is any canon, doctrine or dogma on kissing the cross on Good Friday. Someone can correct me if I'm wrong.

[Aliska]

I hope I'll get back on track before my life is over. I've lost much of what you talk about, something went wrong years before I converted, and then things got worse, serious illness, daughter in terrible accident, terrible murder a guy my daughter was involved with killed his wife and little boy. Lost one of my grandchildren to adoption, daughter declared unfit, and they poisoned him against her who does have drug and drinking problems. I think that is the biggest thing that eats away at me now, someone is missing, and I couldn't take on any more children after I practically raised my granddaughter. My family growing up was not at all like that and it knocked me for a loop. Somebody in the family would have helped in a case like that. Sin, serious abuse, family things, I have a form of post traumatic stress disorder. I don't "feel" faith like I used to. It used to be very strong, almost no matter what for many years. That doesn't mean it is gone necessarily.

It's all I can do to just hang on, but when I'm in mass, I really try to concentrate and think about the prayers and scripture. Fortunately both priests give pretty decent homilies which helps, too. If I can drag myself to take a bath and get myself there. And spend too much time sometimes "talking" about religion rather than "doing" something about my faith. I think if there was a human I was more spiritually close to it might be a little different.

I don't want people to get to know me at church because I don't know any church-going catholics who would have a clue what my life has been like.

I wish I could get back that sense of wonder and simple trust I used to have, even when bad things happened from the time I was young. Good things have happened, too.

Sometimes it's just about enduring and grabbing whatever simple pleasures one can. I know what got me away from my last attempt at regular prayer. I got this nice old lithograph of the Holy Face on ebay and took a picture of it with my digital camera so I could put it in a smaller frame. I found this neat eastern oil vigil lamp and filled it with extra virgin olive oil. Three times now I have knocked it over and it makes a terrible mess. So I gave up on that for now. Maybe I'll go back to a candle. Or maybe I wasn't supposed to be saying those prayers. I don't know.

Then I decided I didn't like my pictures of the sacred heart and immaculate heart I had on the mantle and got some new ones and gave the old ones away. Once I got them in some really pretty frames, I didn't like them. The faces don't have any glow about them. I know Jesus probably had olive skin, but I put those pictures away for now. They are beautiful but maybe it is the lighting. Everything is put away except my picture of St. Germaine.

Then I got an unsolicited mail with a rosary in it. Usually I throw all that stuff away because they sell your address or trade them, but I couldn't throw that rosary away. So I'll put it with all my rosary stuff. My granddaughter opened it and the cross was missing. She is an unbeliever but was going to give it to somebody.

I made some rosaries several years ago with beautiful, unique glass beads. I gave the most beautiful one away. It looked like something you would see in a museum. I also made a couple hundred or more of those cord rosaries and gave them to priests for missions.

Now I don't even want to pray it. But I'm starting to feel a little more positive about things.

A local priest is on trial right now and that is a downer. I'll be glad when most of that is over.

I have trouble with my relationship with God. All the atheism on the net and changes in society have made me kind of lose my bearings as well as getting older. I thought I would be further along the spiritual road by now. God has blessed me abundantly with "things", but the things I wanted the most that can't be bought with money except a nice house. That is a real disappointment in my life that I don't have a nice home even though I'm thankful for what I have. I'm not talking about a $300,000 home.

For days I've been meaning to write a protest letter to the city because they assessed my house too high. I kept putting it off and now it is too late. I'm afraid if I protest, they will want to come through it and find something wrong and cite me in retaliation, and things are in terrible disorder because I am changing some furniture around, so I'll just pay the higher taxes. To make it updated and nice like most people have would cost me the amount they assessed me. It needs almost everything fixed.

That's enough of that for now. I just live from day to day and work on my photography to get my mind off things. It helps to clear my mind to write things down.

I think about heaven and want all my family back, including the grandchild I lost, and I don't know how God can do that under the circumstances. Then life on this earth would be easier to bear.