A Ben & Jerry's Flavor For Every Candidate

ESPN.com ^ | 9-16-2003 | Gregg Easterbrook

[Uncle Fud]

With the Howard Dean bandwagon rumbling toward carrying two, three or perhaps even four states in the 2004 election, everybody wants on board. Time and Newsweek both had Dean on the cover.

The Tuesday Morning Quarterback political action committee, TMQ-PAC, just covered its bases by donating the legal maximum to the Dean campaign. (Note: under campaign finance law, the "legal maximum" varies between $2,000 and unlimited, depending on your lawyer. Also, Federal Election Commission documents show that hundreds of Vermont cows have already donated the hard-money maximum to Dean's committee.)

And Ben & Jerry's ice cream has named an ice-cream sundae after Dean.

The Ben & Jerry's pro-Dean sundae is called Maple Powered Howard. Dean supporters have begun to chant "Maple Powered Howard!" at the rallies of other candidates, trying to drown out the opposition. You won't find Maple Powered Howard at your local outlet unless you live in Vermont, however; it is not an auspicious sign for the candidate's prospects that even Ben & Jerry's thinks no one outside Dean's home state would want a product bearing his name. And Ben & Jerry's does not even list the existence of Maple-Powered Howard on its inventory of flavors. Perhaps it worries about other candidates demanding equal-time flavors.

TMQ thinks other presidential candidates should demand their own Ben & Jerry's flavors! So, as a public service, here's what they would be:

John Kerry: Very Kerry Irish-Jewish-Czech Melting Pot. Flavors from all over the world, blended together until indistinguishable.

Bob Graham: Graham's Graham Cracker Special. Eat first spoonful at 2:06. Eat second at 2:07. Wipe face with napkin at 2:08. At 2:08:30, ask for sprinkles. At 2:08:45 ...

Joe Lieberman: Joe's Macho Java. Coffee-flavored ice cream bulked up with government-financed prescription drugs.

Al Sharpton: Al's Extra-Smoothy. It's processed!

Dennis Kucinich: Denny's Leftward Lurch.. Bubble-gum pink flavor, with lots of nuts.

John Edwards: John-Boy's Trial-Lawyer Delight. Every carton contains a dead mouse; bite into it and Edwards will represent you in your suit against the dairy.

Carol Moseley Braun: Carol's Incredible Fantasy. Only one-tenth of one percent of the ice cream is flavored, representing the share of votes she will be lucky to get.

Dick Gephardt: Dick's Missouri Hometown Lemonade. When you've run for the nomination as many times as he has, the campaign takes on a lemon flavor.

Wesley Clark: The General's Four-Star Favorite. Red, white and blue ribbons of strawberry, vanilla and blueberry, with candied purple hearts.

Plus these delicious taste sensations for other prominent political figures:

Dick Cheney's Undisclosed Flavor.

George W. Bush's Ice Cream of Mass Destruction. The label lists nuclear, biological and chemical content, but inspectors have been unable to find these ingredients.

Al Gore's Dade County Surprise. Bittersweet chocolate with a sour grape swirl.

And looking ahead to 2008:

Hillary's Endless Fudge.

[Uncle Fud]

I recall someone here on FR accusing Easterbrook of being a lefty - having read his ESPN column for the last few months I am not buying it. Looking forward to see if he has a take on the Rush controversy in tomorrow's column.

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[billorites]

Bubba's Creamsickle.

[wizardoz]

Hillary's Endless Fudge.

My God. I have just been cured of chocolate addiction. For life.

[expatpat]

With the Howard Dean bandwagon rumbling......., everybody wants on board. Time and Newsweek both had Dean on the cover.

Bill and Hitlery must be gnashing their teeth!

[BunnySlippers]

In fact, so far all these names are sickening ...

[Kieri]

They're going to have to rename Bob Graham's flavor to "Cold Feet."

Talk about disgusting.