Sex-Starved Marriages - Women Struggle to Cope With Spouses' Low Sex Drives

ABC News ^ | 09/26/03 | John Stossel

[Zipporah]

That may be true but that is not the reason some men are not interested in sex with their wives. I am FAR from being a feminist and far from being unfeminine ..didn't matter. Just plain not interested.

[Mr Rogers]

Not long after I graduated from high school, a friend of mine married a girl in our senior class. She was 5'2" & 95 lbs with waist-length black hair. I moved out of state. Two years later, I ran in to them on a visit home. She weighed 160 and had short hair. Lost touch with them, but I always wondered what happened to their marriage.

Some years later, a deacon in our church left his wife and shacked up with an average looking younger woman. Naturally, we were all shocked. I was even more shocked when our 70 year old pastor said he wasn't surprised. "What he did was wrong, no doubt about it. But if you had spent an hour in their home, listening to her talk, you wouldn't be surprised he left her - only that he stayed as long as he did."

Some men have little or no sex drive. If you get married and don't have sex for months, there's a problem.

But when men lose their sex drives a few years after marriage, it is usually nagging, weight, or someone else - or all three.

[Myrnick]

bump

[american spirit]

Amen bro.....nothings harder than trying to get it on, closing your eyes and picturing her bitchin about something. Over the last 20 yrs. we've seen a whole generation of women grow up with more freedom, more job opportunities, more education, etc. than any generation in history and instead of being highly grateful for their lot in life still way too many women are unhappy, unfulfilled and still bitchin'. Also, out of this is a whole industry that's been created to remind them daily why they should be so miserable.

[okkev68]

You obviously didn't read the post. The key word was "tend" not all. Your situation is very unfortunate but it is also the exception. Talk to any marriage counselor and they will tell you that "most" of the time when a man loses interest in the spouse he has become "interested" in something else.

I do hope things improve for you and your husband and his health stays good. But you guys might want to consider talking to a pastor or church counselor if you haven't already. From your post I sense some frustration.

[BlazingArizona]

I think that one of the problems with low male sex drive might be from having an unattractive spouse.

Yes, except that unattractiveness is almost always mental, not physical. After all, you married her because she was, all other things taken into account, attractive enough for you, right? Too many spouses start taking their partner for granted and so develop unattractive personality changes after marriage. This will drive him/her out of the bedroom fast.

Another point: men with performance anxiety often don't realize that they have a "backup system". Use it, and women will thank you most highly for it.

[alnick]

Ah, in other words, immaturity.

[CatoRenasci]

In my experience some men do not have sex with their wives because the women are bitchy, condescending control freaks with a mean streak that would scare a badger.

Exactly. I have a friend who had a perfectly normal sex life before his marriage. After marriage, the wife turned into a critical bitch, attacking him for virtually everything. He told her it was a problem. He told her he'd put up with it as long as he could but someday, he would close himself off to her emotionally. Kids came. Bitchiness and criticism increased, his desire decreased. After a hysterectomy, she became very hypercritical about sex. He lost interest completely. But wasn't about to leave, because of the kids. So, you have a wife complaining about no intimacy or sex, the guy's emotionally shut down and all she does is bitch about the lack of sex. He even, he says, told her directly that he didn't feel like having sex with someone who was constantly criticizing him. Deaf ears. Eventually, the kids will grow up and he will leave -- too old to have a decent sex life. I feel sorry for the guy.

[auggy]

I knew right away she was an sexpert by her name,"Michele Weiner-Davis".

[Pan_Yans Wife]

You will find a number of mature, like-minded individuals on threads such as these. Come back to check.

[goldstategop]

Exactly. Its an Oedipal thing. No man wants to make love to his mother. People tend to be sexually active until they have children and then it drops off after that. A couple can consumed with responsibilities and life's worries and two people need to make time for each other. That's important in our 24 hour a day on demand society to keep a relationship alive and healthy.

[rwfok]

Stolen, printed, and handed out to co-workers. Still laughing.

[wimpycat]

There's something very disconcerting about FReepers discussing their sexual problems, while others reveal their social inadequacies and bitter resentments.

[Centurion2000]

He even, he says, told her directly that he didn't feel like having sex with someone who was constantly criticizing him. Deaf ears. Eventually, the kids will grow up and he will leave -- too old to have a decent sex life

Send him to Russia ... a lot of women there (in their 30s-40s) will be glad to have him.

[dfrussell]

I'd say to get some photos of the wife before assuming the husband has a problem getting it up.

[AngryJawa]

I'm honestly very sorry to hear about the problems you and your husband are having. I pray that better times lay ahead.

While some of the responses here have been attempts at crude humor, most of the "insensitive" ones also bear alot of truth from the male perspective. A couple of generations of constant harping about the wrongs of traditional "maleness" have created an environment where men really cannot speak their minds about these issues without fear of being smacked down. This environment, however, isn't really going to change the things that men like. Like it or not, God wired men and women differently and that's not going to change.

[Semaphore Heathcliffe]

If you married her just for her looks, I feel sorry for HER.

Reality bites. Visual appeal is a huge component of male sexuality. Also, men and women alike are more attracted to someone who takes care of their body. Doesn't mean they have to be an aerobics instructor, but someone who isn't respecting their body is neither respecting their relationship.

[IronJack]

Like everything else, sex is supposed to be the MAN'S domain. If the woman feels like it, he's supposed to provide for it. Unless she DOESN'T feel like it. Then he's supposed to shut it off like a light switch. Unless she's just FAKING like she doesn't want it but she really does, then he's supposed to be a freaking mind reader as well as a Lothario.

On the other hand, if HE doesn't want it, there's something "wrong" with him.

It ain't worth the hassle.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I feel badly for your sister-in-law's child. It isn't healthy for a child to take on her mother's resentments. This will color the child's image of her father.

[misterrob]

When someone disrespects their body they disprepect themself and in turn, weakens their sense of self which in turn weakens their ability to participate in the relationship fully.

Hell, my lady gets on the scale and sees that she's gained a few lbs and she's whiny and oversensitive all day long.

:-<<<