Campaign front-runners get behind the issues

Houston Chronicle ^ | 9/12/03 | Dave Barry

[olliemb]

People often ask me: "Dave, as a leading candidate for president yourself, can you be unbiased when you write about the other candidates?"

Yes, When I believe that my opponents are wrong, I will point that out. But, by the same token, when I believe that my opponents are having carnal relations with livestock, I will point that out, too. "Fair and balanced," that is my legally trademarked motto.

So today I'm going to analyze the presidential campaign, which, in accordance with our constitution,is taking place exclusively at picnics in Iowa and New Hampshire. Voters are lured to these picnics by free food, unaware that presidential contenders are lurking in the bushes, dressed in plaid shirts so they will appear human. A voter will be about to chow down, only to find himself suddenly locked in the death-grip handshake of, say, US Rep. Dick "Dick" Gephardt, who commences to explain his views on pension reform. The voter nods thoughtfully, although what he's thinkin gis "When he lets go of my hand, I can eat my bratwurst."

"Dick" is one of approximately 78 leading Democratic contenders who've been going from picnic to picnic in a dense candidate clot. The only thing they all agree on is that they're WAYYYYY smarter than President Bush. They watch him on television, frowning the way he does when he's trying to say a big word like " appliance," and they think. " How come he's holding press conferences with Tony Blair, and I'm lurking in these bushes covered with bratwurst juice?"

[olliemb]

great sarcastic comments--easy on the eyes so early this Sunday morning.

[X-USAF]

Excuse me, but shouldn't they get out in front of the issues instead?

[woofer]

Excuse me, but shouldn't they get out in front of the issues instead?

As long as the issue is a speeding, runaway freight train, then YES!