Cult! Fear and loathing in College Station (Texas A&M Cult Alert)

Media Credit: kevin buehler / The Daily Utah Chronicle My two colleagues and I were terrified as we stumbled upon the worshipping ground of the Texas A&M football faithful.

I tried to escape. Honest, I did. But believe me when I tell you, I didn't know what the hell was going on. What was happening around me was dumbfounding, disturbing, frightening.

I don't know what it was that compelled me to stay. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was my obscene sense of curiosity. Maybe it was the smell.

Whatever the reason, last Friday night I found myself, along with my co-workers Asad Kudiya and Kevin Buehler, in probably the most peculiar situation of my life.

Cannons were firing. People were chanting. They were gyrating in unison. My God, they were doing synchronized pushups!

This was called "The Yell," and I found myself unwittingly and unintentionally thrown into the middle of it. It was there that I began to discover just what College Station, Texas was all about-and I'm not exaggerating when I say it may have changed my life forever.

More than 30,000 Aggie fans crowded the streets outside the stadium just before midnight last Friday, as they do before every home game, ready to take part in this massive pre-game pep rally.

Now, I had always heard about cults. I had even seen a few documentaries on them on The Learning Channel. Heaven's Gate. Jim Jones and The People's Temple.

But never had I seen a cult up close and personal until we settled into our places in Kyle Field Friday night.

It started with the pushups. Then it was the "Fighting Aggie War Hymn," a tune repeated ad nauseam all night long, one that still rings in my head at this very hour.

Hullabaloo, Caneck, Caneck. Hullabaloo, Caneck, Caneck. All hail to dear old Texas A&M...

Then it got weird. A group of young men, wearing matching overalls, took center stage down on the sidelines as the raucous crowd suddenly hushed. The men began leading these Aggie faithful in chants, cheers and the reading of Masonic verses.

And everyone knew exactly what to do-and when to do it. They knew what every hand gesture meant. They knew every word of every chant and every song.

Everyone except us, of course. We, visitors from Utah, did not belong. We did not have the ceremony down by heart. But we did what we were told. What else could we do?

"I was confused...and scared," a genuinely shaken Asad told me afterward. "I felt like if I didn't do what they were doing, they were going to rape me."

We leaned over and bowed our heads with the rest of them. We repeated those infernal chants and sang the praises of the Aggie gods. We leaped up and threw our hands in the air, and praised the Good Laaaaawwwwd, as the four men down in front declared a Jihad on the Utah Ute football team.

The four Yell leaders wailed on the microphone and told the crowd to Riiiiiise Up! They made a strange, Hitler-looking gesture to the crowd, and all of a sudden the people around us threw their arms around us and we all began to sway from side to side, singing that war hymn...and it was then that I realized that everyone was speaking in tongues.

Hullabaloo, Caneck, Caneck. Hullabaloo, Caneck, Caneck. We're gonna beat you all to Chigaroogarem. Chigaroogarem. Rough, tough, real stuff, Texas A&M!

My memory is a little fuzzy, but if I remember correctly, everyone around us was wearing long, white cloaks and burning candles. And If I'm not mistaken, there was a virgin sacrifice as well.

Strange and terrible things began happening inside me. These people had been brainwashed, I was sure of it...but...I kind of liked it. I was oddly titillated by the whole experience, ashamed as I am to admit that.

I was conflicted. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I loved them and loathed them. I was repulsed, yet mysteriously drawn to their sick, twisted game, comforted by this theatre of mass worship, this cornucopia of rabid fan psychosis. It was like a KKK gathering on mushrooms.

Talk about worshipping false idols. This was just for the football team, for Pete's sake. The football team!

The U football team sometimes struggles to get 35,000 fans at the actual game-A&M got that many for the pep rally. On a late Friday night, no less. These kids should have been getting wasted, having sex and walking around town in a drunken stupor stealing stop signs and falling asleep in public fountains.

But no-at half past midnight, they were at the football stadium, worshipping Dennis Franchione while four boys in overalls did their best impression of an Episcopal sermon.

I mean, what can you say about a town that simultaneously symbolizes everything that is right about college football, and everything that's wrong about our nation's educational system?

But it wasn't just the football fans-the whole town of College Station was ass-backward.

The place was littered with the scary but aptly named Crickets on Steroids with Wings, which may or may not have been the apocalyptic, flesh-eating bugs prophesied in the Bible.

The night desk clerk at our hotel was named Lucifer. Everyone in town drove a maroon-colored pickup truck. The uniform code at every business establishment was an Aggies T-shirt. The school marching band looked uncannily like the Third Reich. We went to a bar where people actually played darts for hours and hours on end. Who does that?!

Small things, I know. But after our experience Friday night, every little thing made the town seem all the more strange.

When we left "The Yell" Friday night, none of us could speak. What the hell just happened, we all thought to ourselves. That wasn't just school spirit-it was something different altogether. Those people were just...different. If this wasn't a cult, I didn't know what was.

The experience of College Station was an odd one. To tell you the truth, I'm just glad I got out of there alive. Hopefully, the place didn't rub off on me.

1) A&M IS older. You can take that to mean whatever you want. Let it go.

2)EVERYONE at UT denies that A&M is a good school.

3)The Aggie War Hymn isn't something we "just thought up." It's been a while. Several times longer than I'll guess you are old.

4)I've been to fish camp. They do not brainwash you at fish camp to believe that all t-sips suck. They just assume that you know when you come. But yes, they do teach you all about traditions. Is there a problem with that, jackass?

First of all, there won't be a sip victory. Second of all, you left out the most important facts: the sips were on the field -- i.e. breaking the law, trespassing, etc., and were told to get off. Third, I can guarantee that if YOU go on the field, you will get beaten up -- rather badly, either by me or by others willing to protect our turf. If you don't enjoy pain, don't go on our field.

Okay, Okay, you are right. In a fight between the A&M Corps and UT Co-eds the Aggies will win every time. However, on the football field, baseball field, basketball court or academics the University of Texas will stomp the Aggies every time.

Okay, Okay, I will give one more thing to the Aggies. When a member of the Aggie Corps pulls a weapon on a member of the Rice Band and chases him around the field threatening to kill him the Aggies also win.

BTW-After the 1999 Bon Fire Tragedy it was the students and staff of the University of Texas at Austin who donated more blood than any other university including Texas A&M.

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