Posted on 09/09/2003 1:43:15 PM PDT by PJ-Comix
Matt was trying to explain how it felt to put his left hand on the naked right breast of a high-priced hooker.
"Instantly, I felt life come into me," he told the television camera, and when he said "me" he clearly meant "a very specific part of me." Matt recalled deploying the counter-measures: He thought of Rosie O'Donnell and of baseball, which is no longer the American pastime but still stands unchallenged as a gender's pre-eminent distracting mental image. He envisioned hitting a home run but, dang it all, when he rounded third he pictured that naked, high-priced hooker waiting for him at home plate. Summing up his attempt to remain at ease, Matt adopted a forlorn visage and remarked: "It didn't work too well."
At this point, you probably have questions. Who is Matt? Why did he have his left hand on the naked right breast of a high-priced hooker? And, more to the point, Rosie O'Donnell? A crisis of that magnitude -- hand, naked breast, high-priced hooker -- demanded the mental imagery of at least Bea Arthur, and quite possibly all three Golden Girls.
The meeting of Matt's left hand and the high-priced hooker's naked right breast occurred during the premiere episode of The Joe Schmo Show, a new series that airs Tuesdays on the U.S. cable channel Spike TV, which brands itself as the First Network for Men. And may I just say: It's about bloody time. For too long now all those other several hundred channels have catered exclusively to women, denying the unfairer sex the opportunity to regard chesty ingenues and live sporting events and chesty ingenues competing in live sporting events. Now, mercifully, there is at last a manly oasis where manly men can watch manly programs that are about, I can only assume, manliness. (Note to editor: Please place preceding three sentences in a special font -- sarcastics.)
Joe Schmo is a parody of reality shows. This sounds simple, but it's made more complex by the fact that during the past couple of years, reality shows have themselves become parodies of reality shows, which means that Joe Schmo is in fact parodying parodies. Spike TV also airs a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation and I'd imagine that, were he called on to speculate, the android Data might warn that the parodying of parodies could prompt the television universe to collapse upon itself and cause a rupture in the space-time continuum, or at least the brain of a defenceless television critic. And then he'd probably go on about how he's fascinated by humanity and wishes to be more human and golly wouldn't it be interesting to have emotions and you'd have to kind of back slowly into the turbo lift, all the time thinking to yourself: "I should have just asked the freaking Klingon."
So here's the gimmick: The cast of The Joe Schmo Show is, with one exception, made up exclusively of actors. The exception is Matt Kennedy Gould, an amiable, twentywhatever law-school dropout from Pittsburgh who delivers pizza for a living and lives with his parents. Matt thinks he's on a show called Lap of Luxury, on which nine strangers must live together in an opulent mansion, with the victorious contestant winning US$100,000. But everyone else is actually playing a reality show stereotype: Among others, there's the gay guy, the conniving bitch, the virgin, the war veteran and the asshole, who is actually referred to on the show as The Asshole, a brash flaunting of profanity in prime time apparently being a hallmark of the First Network for Men.
The show is both repellent and fascinating, and there's every chance it's fascinating because it's so repellent. Matt is quite possibly the least annoying person ever to be cast on a reality series. He's a nice guy, principled, mannerly, a bit doughier than your typical reality-show mandroid. He's genuinely blown away by the presence of smoked salmon in the lunch buffet. When a fellow "contestant" brings up the topic of the show's jackpot, Matt immediately says he's not in it for the money. He then clarifies: "Getting that money will change my place in life. I've slacked off a lot and a lot of people my age are ahead of me, but ..."
Someone interjects: "So why ARE you here?"
Matt: "Because I have nothing else to do."
From that point on, anyone with even a reasonable facsimile of a heart is going to cringe as a massive, multi-million-dollar infrastructure is deployed for the sole purpose of exposing Matt to ridicule.
So on one hand, you feel just awful for the guy. The other hand, alas, is more likely than not to be wiping away tears of laughter. This is a very funny show. To their credit, the producers have not made it easy on themselves, nor their cast. The conventions of the reality genre are mocked so lustily that there are moments you simply cannot believe that Matt doesn't catch on.
There's the whole Hands on a High-Priced Hooker game, for one. That might have got some folks to suspecting -- although, as we learned, Matt's mind was otherwise occupied at the time. There's the Lord of the Manor Immunity Showdown, on which contestants compete for the right to wear the Pimped Out Immunity Robe. And let's not forget the Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremony, during which the show's host solemnly remarks of the evening's ousted contestant: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, (contestant's name), you're dead to us." At which point he hurls a commemorative plate bearing the contestant's image into a fireplace. Yes, these are what folks in the detective business like to call "clues."
I can't say with any certainty how it will get there, but I think I have a good sense where this program will end up. Given the premise of the series, it seems implausible that the producers would decide on a cash prize of only US$100,000, which is a pittance compared to the Survivor windfall. It's fake money, so why not say the winner gets a million bucks, or two million, or five? I'd wager the reason is that at the end, after the secret is revealed and the abject humiliation captured, they're going to give Matt the money.
And should Matt ever again find his left hand on the naked right breast of a high-priced hooker, and suddenly feel life come into him, he can simply think back on how he felt the minute he found out he was Joe Schmo. A naked Bea Arthur would be positively arousing by comparison
My favorite scene so far was the host giving out signed headshots of himself to the guests. Hilarious!
Your prediction in Post#41 about Hutch getting a lawyer and getting back on the show was sheer genius! How did you get so smart!?
Television has all but reached its lowest common denominator. When shall we expect the show dedicated strictly to passing gas and urine jokes?
It was turning out to be the weakest episode of the show, until Kip did that homo-role into the pool. OMG! That was so funny. And the girl's doing cannon balls into the pool didn't exactly suck.
I can't believe they kicked off the funniest guy on the show. But it looks like everyone is coming back next week for some event anyway.
Does anybody know how many episodes are left? I want to see a whole episode of them talking to Schmo out of character after the setup is revealed. I can't wait to see his face when he meets the (relatively) deep-voiced, hetero Kip.
And if I was a producer, I'd pull Schmo aside and let him know that he's got a decent shot at picking up Ashley. Its the least they can doo-doo for the guy.
Actually the dog crap part was the FUNNIEST thing I ever saw on TV! I was laughing so hard that tears rolled down my face and I fell off the couch. For those of you who didn't see tonight's show (re-run on Sunday), here is what happened:
They had a contest where if all of them ate some exotic food they would all win 42" TV sets. First it was Brian's turn. They bring him a covered plate and when they took the cover off, it was Armadillo tails which he ate while acting disgusted (btw, all the food was fake but looked real). Then Molly was served whale blubber. Then Kip was served sheep eyeballs. Then Hutch got roast wombat stomach. Then Ashley was served monkey testicles. All the while Matt is loudly encouraging them to eat the food quickly and wash it down with water.
Then it comes to Matt's turn. They bring him the covered plate and Ralph the host starts talking about some canine delicacy. Okay, I figured it would be roast leg of French Pooodle or Pit Bull snout. But when they took the cover off the plate it was as Ralph announced---DOG FECES! It was a pile of dog crap! At this point I lost it and totally cracked up. I haven't laughed so hard in years. Of course, Matt didn't eat it and he had to see a TV show "lawyer."
As Schmo said, "I, for one, can not believe they would ever let me eat dog crap." He knew they could never do that for legal reasons, thanks to those couple of classes he took at law school!
If you can't even fool the schmo, you've moved into the realm of the asinine.
His "I think I see corn." comment was classic however. As was Hutch's glued plate.
Check out Howard Stern's show on TV.
It comes close to that at times.
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