Lack of "Gaydar" makes it difficult to tell 'em straight

Pioneer Press ^ | 08/14/03 | Staff Writer

[bedolido]

Two guys walk into a bar. One has style, flair and good hair. The other is OK, average, not really worth a second look.

A woman nudges her friend and says, "Hey, check out the fox who just walked in."

The other friend looks and says, "You mean the gay guy?"

Yeah, well, while this might sound like a joke, but it's actually happened to me more than a few times. Along with my other dating difficulties, I have almost no gaydar, or gay radar, or queen meter, or sixth sense for friends of Dorothy. And if it couldn't get any worse, I now worry that the advent of the "metrosexual" and the newfound success of BravoTV's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and "Boy Meets Boy" will only weaken my antennae's reception further.

Don't get me wrong: I applaud the metrosexual's aesthetic and culinary advancements and the Fab 5's contributions in transforming straight stinkods to savvy studs. (Carson MAKES that show.) But I can barely tell the teams apart as it is, and now the uniforms are all color-coordinated. (This is not to say that ALL gay men are stylish and ALL straight men need help – I'm not aiming to make blanket statements about any group. But if Joan Rivers believes in the extra-chromosome theory, than that's good enough for me.)

To help sharpen my gaydar, I decided to ask a cross-section of my friends – some gay, some straight – to give me tips to improve the 'dar so that I might not further embarrass myself (and others) by shooting at the wrong targets. My friends are perceptive, intelligent, observant people. They also like to drink a lot and talk to strangers at bars. And, unfortunately, most were too busy last week to get back to me.

But one who did was my (straight) friend Jack. Jack said he had "no idea" how to determine someone's sexual preference, but I strongly dispute that because he is the same guy whom I turned to in a D.C. salsa club last winter to ask if he thought a man I had my eye on was gay. (I was looking for backup because the girlfriend we were with had told me the guy definitely was gay, and I disagreed.) Jack took one look and agreed with my girlfriend. I still held my ground — until Jack whispered in my ear that he had just seen the fellow smooch another gentleman. I guess some people just "know" these things.

My (gay) friend Ross, though, did offer some crucial advice for the rest of us: "If I were a straight girl, I'd keep an eye out for the following 'gay traits' (keeping in mind nothing's really that easy):

-- They aren't checking out the ladies. It seems obvious, but if you watch a straight horndog (especially if he's at a bar), his eyes are EVERYWHERE on every women in the place. Not that gay guys don't check out guys, but I'd like to think they're a bit more discreet. (Maybe not.)

-- They're a little bit more 'put together.' It can be the general dress sense, or just the sort of little extras, like a really nice watch or perfect hair or weirdly expensive shoes — the sort of thing that says, 'I put time and thought into how I look.'

-- They can actually have a normal conversation with a woman.

-- They smell good (or at least don't smell like b.o. – or Polo.)"

Ross, you are wise.

But I'm not sure if even this advice would have helped when I was out two weekends ago. I was at a club in Uptown, standing next to a gentlemen at the bar, waiting to order a drink. He started chatting me up, complimenting me on the color of my blouse and how well it went with my hair color and the rest of my physical "palette." I listened while surveying his looks from the shoulders up – bald (shaved on the sides), smart glasses, red button-up shirt, slender build. Gotta be gay. Later, I return to the same bar to get another cocktail. On the way back to my table, the guy stops me. By this time, he's gassed. With the music blaring, I could hear little of what he was saying, but it seemed to be an urgent message that required my frequent nods and his hand on my arm. I looked down and saw, below his red shirt, a pair of thin, ugly plaid shorts. My gaydar went into limbo.

Since then, I still haven't decided if that man was hitting on me or just wanting to talk. It's no matter. I've realized that while keeping a few tips might boost one's gaydar a bit, you can never be sure about anyone's preference until you know them as individuals, or they flat-out tell you. That's how it should be. (Although my crush on Franklin from "Boy Meets Boy" really can't be helped. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.)

[Lynn]

what a ridiculous article...

[irish guard]

The only Gaydar I would need is that if some guy ever grabbed me is to launch a right cross to his pretty face or a kick to his testicles.

[Cathryn Crawford]

You need to read this.

[Lil'freeper]

Clearly, my gaydar needs help. Is the author a male or a female?

[LanPB01]

What's really odd about this is that when I was an undergraduate, my floor in the dorm seemed to have an unusually large number of homosexuals on it. There was always talk of "Gaydar" back then.

[hattend]

You hardly need Gaydar anymore thanks to our cultural toilet. Most gays are in your face (pun intended) and very few are hiding their lifestyle.

[Bigg Red]

what a ridiculous article...

^^^

True. And if this woman is looking for quality men a bar is not the place to find one.

[Temple Drake]

a "normal" conversation with a woman? I DON'T think so. I worked for an arts organization once -- all the fags there did was make evil remarks about any woman who stepped out of the room.

[Agnes Heep]

Just look for the ones who are one hundred precent artificial in everything they say and do.

[Nonstatist]

This ditzoid has too much time on her hands. She needs to get a job.

[Gabz]

I don't know if it is a lack of 'gaydar,' the fact I really don't give a fig, or that none of my gay friends (male or female) flaunt it - but someone else has had to inform me about every one one of them.

[bedolido]

what a ridiculous article... ^^^ True. And if this woman is looking for quality men a bar is not the place to find one.

True again... they should look into the Episcopal church.

[rrrod]

this article is an insult to bars and saloons!

[talleyman]

Just ask if they like Barbra Streisand

[=Intervention=]

She makes the age-old mistake of assuming those who can hold a conversation and have some kind of intelligence must be gay. Maybe that's the problem with being relatively intelligent and straight, is that all the women think you're gay? Her gaydar needs some tuning alright.

[joesnuffy]

Don't get me wrong: I applaud the metrosexual's aesthetic and culinary advancements and the Fab 5's contributions in transforming straight stinkods to savvy studs.

I thank the good Lord.. I grew up in the country and married a country gal

[Gabz]

And if this woman is looking for quality men a bar is not the place to find one.

Not fair to use such a broad brush.

I met my husband in a bar - and a quality man is the perfect description of him.

[Chancellor Palpatine]

Don't forget mens room etiquette - you don't stand next to someone you don't know at the urinal unless you're at a ballgame, and when at a ballgame, you don't talk to anybody you don't know at a urinal unless you're drunk, and then, the only permissible subjects are the game, women you saw, or something about renting beer. You never mention the latest shoe sale - thats a dead giveaway.

[bedolido]

Don't forget mens room etiquette...

There trully is a such thing as mens room etiquette... it's always been an unspoken rule... but it does exist...good point!